Chain Letter

Chain letters are bad. Chain letters can kill. If you don't forward one then you deserve to be murdered by a guy with chains considering you gave up your right to privacy by using all this technology shit. Yes, I'm not even kidding, this is the motto to Chain Letter, a tedious, waste of an opportunity with a strange as fuck message to boot.

Chain Letter starts off with some promise. Actually, the best scene happens first which actually was pretty smart in getting audiences interested before showing them about 2 awesome minutes before 94 awesome ones. A girl is dragged by her parents' cars because she is attatched to (you guessed it, CHAINS!), after a certain point...she is led into traffic. Coolness. :D

Chain Letter actually has an interesting premise. An annoying hassle that everyone generally ignores could lead to deciding if you will live or die. Kinda ironic in a way actually. The problem is that Chain Letter goes about with this idea all wrong. It doesn't make much sense at all. So *Spoiler Alert* you find out that the killer is a soldier that had bad experiences in the war as a result due to technology. Ummm, okay. Not only was it not a supernatural entity like I was hoping the movie would be about, but it's about some random fuck that you never even get to see anyways. His motives just become really unclear. You never find out what these particular teens did (besides all being boring as fuck, I can literally count the things I remember them saying on one hand) to deserve these chainful deaths. And another question, if everyone was to continue forwarding the letter, what would he do then? Go to a lazier community? And another thing, at one point, someone who actually forwarded the chain letter is attacked by the soldier from his roof. What da fuck? Was he waiting up there all day? Stupid.

As for the bloodshed (one of the few redeeming factors of this movie), I would be lying if I didn't say it was kinda awesome. Characters are ripped apart faster then you can say "Oh shitfuck". Every death is bloody, brutal, and in some cases...actually a bit surprising. My favorite would be the one mentioned earlier, and the guy in the gym. Those were the most brutal which automatically makes them love in my book. Unfortunately though, despite these gruesome and appealing scenes, Chain Letter is never really that scary. There's no substance to this. It's like taking 5 pounds of sugar, putting it on bread and calling it a movie. The entire thing is pretty much like this. Kill scene, talking, looking at computer, kill, kill, kill, END! There's never any tension or real build-up here. You don't even see the main character (who turns out to be the girl from the first), have a fight with the killer. He just gets her and...that's it.

As for the performances, overall they're actually not that bad. Not one link is terribly amazing, but some actually hold their own pretty well, especially Nikki Reed (whose still responsible for one of my favorite movies ever) and Michael J. Pagan.

So overall, Chain Letter isn't the epic failure it could have been, but it is pretty lackluster. Missed opportunities, lack of logic, and a lack of genuine thrills sink the boat despite some awesome killings, a decent premise, and some decent acting. Can't wait for the movie about the killer party invitation to be the sequel. Lezz go.

1/4

Creature

I love cheesy horror movies. They're my guilty pleasure. Hatchet was cheesy as fuck but at least it was fun with competent performances and a ton of thrills and humor to get by. I think there can be a lot of fun with having a cheesy horror movie. Not here though, Creature is so fucking awful it's not even bad in a fun way. It takes a potentially cool situation and fucks it into the ground in the most tedious manner possible. It's like taking someone to an amusement park and stopping them with a hit to the head whenever they go on a ride. No fun.

Creature is an absolutely mind-numbing fuckfest of stupidity. The story can be summarized in less then one sentence. People get attacked by creature. Shit like this must have taken seconds, maybe minutes to come up with. Never has a 90 minute horror movie felt so goddamn agonizing.

It's really not scary or funny at all either. Shit on Scyfy channel has kept me more entertained in 10 minutes then Creature provides in the previously mentioned....ridiculously long 90 minutes. It's just awful. Not awful in the funny way where it's sort of amusing. Not awful in the way where it sucks but at least there's some good gore (just about every killing occurs offscreen...lame). Just awful. The writing is bland and the story is nonexistent.

And to make shitty matters even fuckier....they try to throw in some monkey-brained twists in the last half hour. I kid you not....a girl tries to fuck her friend's boyfriend, and then later goes on to giving her brother (who screws everyone over and turns out to have a Dad whose into sacrificing), a handjob. Yes. This is how deep we're gettting here, folks.



Creature is a ridiculously awful movie. Nothing redeeming at all and it will easily be one of the worst movies of 2011 no matter what is in store for films this year. Paying any amount to see this is like lighting your arm on fire when you're hot. Totally pointless, stupid, and in the end...you just feel burned.

0/4

Super 8

When I first saw the previews for Super 8, I was stoked to see it. I love movies about things from other planets so the possibility of an awesome sci-fi movie was fuckin awesome. Sadly to say...I was a bit disappointed by Super 8. I just felt like something was...missing.

The first problem I have with Super 8, is that it just lacks any type of originality. The monster (who you have to wait wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too long too see) looks like the Cloverfield monster's ugly brother. The whole "evil government and/or military is responsible" idea has been done in just about every movie with aliens and it gets really fucking lame after a while. We get it. Anarchy owns. The last five minutes (which I will get to more so in a few paragraphs) is ridiculously reminscient of E.T. Yeah. This shit copies E.T.

For a movie that seems to be action packed and full of scares...Super 8 is oddly dull. It takes a while for things to get going and when they do, they barely happen. Most of the action/deaths occur offscreen which gets extremely frustrating after watching about 30 minutes of nothing but talking in between. On the positives, the special effects are absolutely amazing. I just wish that they had shown them off more often. Super 8's pace often hurts mainly because you're waiting for a payoff that just really isn't that interesting in the long run.

Now, my biggest problem with Super 8....the fucking last 20 minutes. Literally, nothing works. There's no tension considering children are the main stars (and rarely is a child murdered or even really hurt in a movie). The way the actors find out about what the monster is and how it was created/brought to the U.S.A. is just dumb. It's a typical explanation of blaming the Government which has been done to death. And I don't even know what to say about how the children convince the monster to leave. THEY FUCKING TALK TO HIM LIKE HE'S ON GODDAMN DR. PHIL ABOUT HIS PROBLEMS. And no, I'm not making this shit up. And yes, it did need to be captalized.

Super 8 is just a movie of missed chances. The special effects that we see are beautiful and the performances are stellar, especially Elle Fanning, who pretty much makes everyone her bitch in terms of performance. But some awesome effects and performances can't save a lack of interest, originality, or an explanation and conclusion that Super 8 just fails to bring. It just fails to take off.

2/4

Paranormal Activity 2

I'll say it. Paranormal Activity is one of the most overrated franchises of the decade. I feel like so much of the praise that goes to these movies is based solely on the idea of it being "different" and lacking in just about any type of gore or blood. I'll take 90 minutes of people getting ripped apart any time over this new type of "documentary" type horror. Paranormal Activity 2 is dull as fuck.

I'm all for a good scary movie about ghosts that doesn't need to use gore to get the point across. Hell, "The Others" is one of my favorite horror movies of all time and I can't recall a single drop of blood being shed. The problem is that PA2 is all style, no substance. The novelty wears off thin and after a while you realize...this is all you're getting. Call me a hater, but once you've seen something move on camera...it gets old. Paranormal Activity 2 is literally nothing but slamming doors and camera shots of pure nothingness.

Besides the dull pace and lack of thrills, this movie is totally unbelievable in terms of performances and characters. All of the acting is totally ridiculous, hammy, and as a result...just makes the entire movie even harder to take seriously. And the characters are fucking retarded. I have no sympathy or interest in people themselves to become their ghosts' bitches without even doing shit in return. If shit breaks or is moved constantly in your house.....GET THE FUCK OUT. Stupid.

Paranormal Activity 2 is a tedious, poorly-acted and directed piece of pretentious trash. Nothing happens. Frights are M.I.A. People are dumb and totally get what's coming to them. The performances are lame. And the 100 minute length feels like it will take 100 years to end. Cheers to part three.

0/4

Fright Night

There's generally two giant problems with remakes these days. They either stick so closely to the original format that there's really no point in seeing a remake for $20 when you can see the original for cheaper. OR! They try and make a bunch of changes to appear as original or inventive. Fright Night actually shoots for both. And it fails miserably at both.

One of the biggest problems with Fright Night, is that some of the touches in the original that made it so great are totally fucked to the ground here. First off, Peter Vincent (in an incredibly OTT performance by David Vincent)...is a Las Vegas magician. Why? I don't know. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. His character comes off as obnoxious when in the original...he was pretty fun to watch. Charley and Evil Ed's characters are fucked with as well. Charley's an asshole so you don't really give a shit what happens to him. Evil Ed is just obnoxious, you don't care when he gets killed, and all of the sadness in the original when Evil Ed is killed...is gone here. You can't wait for him to die. And as for Jerry...we'll get to him in a minute.

The performances are a huge problem as well. Anton Yelchin comes off as bland and one-note from beginning to end. Christopher Mintz-Plasse is criminally underused and is given very little to work with at all. The worst performance is easily Colin Farrell though as Jerry. All of the subtle sexuality and fear within Jerry's character is totally M.I.A here. Colin overracts to a ridiculous extent. His scenes don't come off as scary or sexy at all. Those who try hardest generally fall the hardest. And that's his problem. He forces terror and sexual appeal on the audience so much that his entire performance comes off as camp.

Laughs and thrills are generally missing as well. The writing comes off as amateurish and tedious. Nothing is funny or even clever at all. It's a very "been there, done that" type of movie. References to other movies are made that might have been funny about...10 years ago. Now it's just stale. For a movie about a vampire killing everyone in town, Fright Night comes off as awfully boring and unscary as well. Very little happens in the movie when you think about it. In fact, I would say about 90% of the movie is pretentious build-up to shit that just doesn't have any sort of fright in it. It's a sad day when you wished you had stayed home and did nothing over viewing such a terrible, worthless movie.

0/4

Rango

If this is the future for animated movies, then I'm deeply concerned. Rango is totally flat and forgettable. It's bizzare and strange without any hint of comedy. It's about 100 minutes yet at times it feels like 100 hours. The story has been done a million times (outcast lies about doing something brave to get props from others) and it's done without any new twists or originality. Which is a shame considering the cast is quite talented and they do what they can in this movie. But not even actors like Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, and Timothy Olyphant can resuscitate a movie that never had a heart, brain, or a pulse to begin with.

2/4

The Mist

Like most creature features, The Mist is a movie that demonstrates that there is something out there worse then a monster hellbent on destroying the world. People. People are a million times worse than any creature could ever be. The Mist is one of the most pessimistic and melancholy movies about the attitude of mankind with survival that I have seen in a while.

Fortunately, The Mist is also one of the best horror movies of 2007. First off, the performances are so much fun. Thomas Jane is perfect as the role of David, a dad that will get his badass on in order to protect those he loves. Marcia Gay Harden is the biggest highlight in the film though, a total showstealer as Mrs. Carmody, a religious fanatic that will sacrifice anyone at the drop of a hat in order to sustain her own life. Also worthy of mentioning is Frances Sternhagen as Irene, an old bitty that's still as wise and sharp as any of the younger victims.

The Mist is great at sustaining tension as well. The best moments in the movie are actually the ones in which very little is happening. Just viewing the hopless looks of terror on the characters' faces as they are aware of what's going on around them is more tense and dramatic then any scene where the monsters are on screen. Even scarier is what these people will do in order to survive. Sacrifice is as present as ever. Really shows how fucked up people are in general. Which is the scariest thing ever.

Unfortunately though, the CGI isn't as strong as the rest of the movie. When the creatures are on screen, many of them take away from the horror in the situations. The CGI is really cheap and lame, it's almost hard to take them seriously as there's really no element of fright with these monsters.

And last, but certainly not least...THE ENDING. Easily one of the biggest downers in recent movie history. I personally loved it. I get sick of seeing every movie end happily. This one sure as fuck doesn't.

The Mist is a solid horror movie that is worth viewing by any horror geek. Just don't expect the words happily ever after to come to mind by the time it's done.

3/4