Stitches

It's odd; Stitches is an absolutely terrible movie from beginning to end, there's never a moment where the movie aspires to be anything higher then garbage. But, oddly enough, that's the only saving grace that it has going on, its' shittastic quality actually redeems it from being a total fail in my book. But in order to not seem completely mental for not despising a movie for being garbage, let me explain.

Ross Noble stars as the lead character, a bitter and miserable clown reduced to performing at children's birthday parties. After a particularly unpleasant encounter with a group of nasty children, Stitches is accidentally killed, and 6 years later (why 6 years is the magical amount of time, I really have no idea), he returns to get revenge on the kids who caused his death.

Stitches' overall performances and characterization are laughable. Every performance is completely bland and it's impossible to give a shit about any of these routine and bland characterizations they are given. I couldn't even remember any of these people's names nor did I really give a shit. But, to Stitches' credit, Ross Noble's performance is so ridiculously OTT he occasionally makes this crap worth it. If you're going to go down in a sinking ship, why not have a little fun with it?

The same could be applied to Stitches' attitude towards genuine suspense. There isn't anything remotely scary or suspenseful in Stitches, there's not one moment you don't see coming nor is there any tension. The pacing was clearly made for those who can't wait one goddamn second for something to splatter everywhere. BUT! I will admit that once in a while it goes so far out into outer space that you have to just admire it in a bizzare, fucked up way. Characters' heads are blown up like balloons, brains are harvested, people are managing to run around with their intestines hanging out. Gets points for being a guilty pleasure...at times.

Overall, Stitches is a mess. It isn't scary, the plot's paper thin, the performances are lame and the whole time you're anticipating the end. But, like the feeling after inhaling a ton of candy, you'll have a brief moment of feeling good about the decision you made, even though the end result will overall make you wanna vomit it all up. Stitches is sweet nausea.

1/4