Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

I don't know why so many movies insist on rewriting History, making it even duller and more tedious than most of it already appears to be to most people, but low and behold...Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is up for the challenge, sucking on all levels and will easily be appearing on my worst movies of 2012 list at the end of the year.

In addition to being against slavery, and extremely into politics, Abraham Lincoln was also a...vampire hunter? Yeah, never was taught that in school. Benjamin Walker plays Abe Lincoln, the upcoming president who had a passion for killing vampires since the day his mother was murdered by one (it's always the Mother's fault). He finds a trainer in Henry (Dominic Cooper), another man who had his life changed by vampires, though unlike Abe....Henry's connection to the vampire world is a bit more personal. He also has some extra help from former slave; Will, his wife Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Weinstead), and his fellow employee Speedy (Jimmi Simpson), to work together to destroy the main vampires that run the town.

One of the biggest problems with Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, is that it's just a complete jackshit of all trades. The writing is lame and archaic, you could almost see the dust being blown off of some of these lines and watch the desperate attempts at humor hit the fan. It's not scary at all either, it's just loud with a bunch of obnoxious, second-rate Matrix special effects popping up on screen every time there's a sensation of an audience member slowly drifting into a coma. The harder you try, the bigger you will fall...and that is a lesson that Vampire Hunter learns the hard way, an 105 minute lesson learned for both everyone involved in the movie and everyone watching.  

Unfortunately, this isn't a movie that just drags down the writers, editors, visual artists, and the director....the actors go down with the Titanic is well. There isn't one performance highlight, as everyone acts with the passion and vigor of someone reading names out of the telephone book. It really does feel like a bland History re-enactment with some vampire shit in the middle to attract the younger viewers. Suffice it to say...attraction failed.

Abraham Lincoln is a poorly plotted, poorly acted, written, and directed mess of a movie that serves no purpose in existing. Not one ounce of humor, intrigue, excitement, or thrills is present in 1 minute of this disaster from beginning to end. It's a shame this movie isn't more like a vampire, being destroyed the moment it entered the light. Oh, and the vampires in this movie don't even burn when they come in the sun. You double fail, Abe Lincoln...get your shit straight.

0/4