American Psycho 2

I love Mila Kunis. That is the only positive thing I can say about this watered down version of the OG that should have been called American Psyche instead 

1/4

Antebellum

Riddle me this....

1) Why the Fuck does Jena Malone sound like Beverley Leslie in this?

2) Why does this movie feel like a waltz, a twerk and a line dance? So many genres 

3) Did they really think people weren't gonna roast that ending as an even sillier version of The -------?

2/4

 

Anything for Jackson

 

Slaps the dog shit out of what is imo become a dog shit genre of horror

3/4

A Dark Song

I just didn't give two Shits about anything going on here. The scene with the smoking man was 100/10 and if we could have stayed in that direction I could have at least gone with a 2/4. But nope, we sunk the ship further with that ending. 

1/4

A Simple Favor

Just as scrumdiddlyumptious as Gone Girl but better dressed and more lolzy.

3/4

A Most Violent Year

Similar to Whiplash, A Most Violent Year is a movie about the great American dream; to become successful, and the less then beautiful things we have to do to achieve it.

Oscar Isaac & Jessica Chastain were completely screwed out of Oscar nominations for this movie, they're spellbinding. Both actors ooze such a fire in their performances in a completely different way. The couple resembles a volcano; Isaac as the firm, steady base with the capability to explode but still a way to go before it, Chastain is the tip of the volcano, oozing such a flame you better stay away.

What's so great about the writing is how authentic it feels. Neither character is a bad person which makes their behavior feel more realistic, good people are capable of the worst things. Every scene keeps the viewer on the edge of their seat, like a horror movie, you're constantly expecting the worst to happen. 

From the beautiful imagery, to the top notch performances, to the terrific script, A Most Violent Year is a most stellar movie.

4/4

As Above, So Below

This one was another surprise for me, I was expecting a complete Shit-show from the previews/other reviews but I was pretty pleasantly surprised overall. The beginning is flimsy and solid characterization crashes and burns as quickly as the characters' plan to achieve success and fortune but what happens inside the catacombs is pretty intriguing. It looks absolutely stunning and I was at times reminded of The Descent (never a bad thing to be compared to) with how well certain scenes were filmed to make the viewer feel completely claustrophobic, isolated, and unknowing of what lurks around the corner. The ending could have packed a bit more punch as it feels rather hokey and last minute, but luckily the middle is watchable enough for me to walk away somewhat pleased.

3/4

Annabelle

By having lead performances as wooden and scares as cheap as the title character, Annabelle is an absolute dummy.

1/4

A Million Ways to Die in the West

The funniest joke and most involving character both involve a retarded sheep. Enough said.

1/4

A Simple Plan

If there's a moment of A Simple Plan where I wasn't holding my breath it sure the fuck didn't exist. A Simple Plan is an electrifying, unforgettable downward spiral of middle class Americans who have fallen into a situation that was too good to be true, for a reason.

Hank Mitchell (Bill Paxton), his brother Jacob (Billy Bob Thornton), and Jacob's best friend Lou (Brent Briscoe) come across a crashed plane which turns out to be the host of a corpse and over several million dollars in it. None of them are in the best financial status to be turning down that much money so they make the decision to split the money amongst themselves. Surely enough this decision turns out to bite all of them in the asses as greed, betrayal, deception take over ruining the relationships of all the characters involved.

A Simple Plan wouldn't have worked as well if the trio of leads didn't commit to such an intense degree. Bill Paxton is a force of nature as Hank, the character who easily makes the biggest moral downgrade of all the characters. It's fascinating watching his character fall down the rabbit hole of sin as money drives him to do things he would have never imagined doing.

As easily the least morally repugnant character of the group, Billy Bob Thornton shines as Hank's dim-witted but well meaning brother. There's such an innocence and sense of vulnerability in his performance it's almost depressing watching his character fall down the hole with the others at such a rapid speed.

My favorite performance though, was Bridget Fonda as Hank's wife. The scenes with her and Paxton work so well because there's such a fascinating dynamic between the two people. Though she's apprehensive at first, she turns out to be the mastermind behind Hank's moves, giving her character a deeper layer then the throwaway, worried wife.

Once you think you know where things are going in A Simple Plan they not only avoid going in that direction but they take off in the complete opposite direction at about 90 miles per hour. There's a scene about halfway through involving the three lead males and a blackmail plan that's brilliant. You think you see one character betraying another just to see him head in the opposite direction. It's a verbal cat and mouse and the viewer never knows how things will end up.

The script in A Simple Plan shines so brightly because it never feels inauthentic. Though violent, crazy, and destructive, A Simple Plan never feels ludicrous and it's a story that could happen to anyone. And that's the most frightening thing of all, that this could be a story of anyone who falls into an opportunity for a better life that's too perfect to imagine. That this life blinds your eyes to everything around you. That those who love and care for you are simply pawns in the way of your success. A Simple Plan is bone chilling and easily one of the best movies of the year.

4/4

August: Osage County

Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep's nominations were well deserved but they're shining in such a tedious, phony dud.

1/4

American Hustle

Just why??? I don't understand. This one had everything in its' favor. A stellar director, an attractive, well-liked and talented cast, hair and makeup which is already kind of a comedy as it is, and not to mention the trailers made it look like so much fun to watch. So why did I end up feeling like I was watching a cheap trick for almost 2.5 hours?

The overall idea here is that pretty much all of the main characters are awful people trying to outscrew each other. Irving (Christian Bale) & Sydney (Amy Adams) are a pair of con artists who came from nothing and rose to something by riding other people's checkbooks and work. After a certain scam, they are busted by Richie (Bradley Cooper), a detective who really doesn't have that many ethics considering how quickly he is turned to the dark side by the conniving pair. Their goal is to screw over Mayor Carmine (Jeremy Renner) in order to save all of their asses and make a quick buck. Oh and Irving is also married to Rosalyn (Jennifer Lawrence) who has the potential to blow the whole con job to Hell considering her massive gift of simultaneously doing and saying all the wrong things at once.

So where did all this potential for a blast go wrong? For starters, I feel like the cast was other underutilized or just didn't perform up to par. Jennifer Lawrence is great in her scenes, but considering her past work in Winter's Bone, Silver Linings Playbook, and even the Hunger Games series, this performance fades and she really isn't on camera enough to really shine (though I must say her angry cleaning scene is my favorite of the whole movie). Amy Adams probably gives the most "Oscar friendly" performance, but her character just feels so static and bland, the most interesting thing about Sydney is that she doesn't wear a dress that covers her up from beginning to end (which I must say Adams wears quite well).

The men fare even worse. I'm actually quite baffled by the Oscar nominations that the two received. Christian Bale's performance feels so terribly dry and tedious I was wondering if he was even acting in the same movie (or the "fun" that the movie was trying to achieve). There's no swagger or comedy about his performance or character he's just a straight up dud. Bradley Cooper also failed to stand-out, I easily found him to be the most forgettable of the four.

When I think about the movie's script and progression from beginning to end, I start reminiscing about those old "Choose Your Own Fate/Ending" stories and how I would always manage to hit a wall with every decision I made. This conflict I had with these books couldn't sum up American Hustle any better; it's a project of missed opportunities. All of these characters are either really dim-witted or kind of awful people yet there's no comedy or drama or even a surprise with how the movie progresses. It's a neverending road with no twists, turns, or hills. There were so many scenes I kept waiting for the rocket to take off such as the cameo by Robert De Niro and the foreshadowing of Rosalyn and her big mouth getting everyone in trouble yet the flame just died. "Empty, empty, empty" is a quote barked out by Rosalyn at one point in the movie. She couldn't have summarized her own movie any better. You just got hustled.

Rating: 1/4

Admission

I was completely on board to enjoying Admission, I was really hoping the formulaic previews weren't an accurate display of how Admission would play out. Sadly, I was wrong, Admission is even more predictable and sitcom-y then the previews indicated I was waiting for the laugh track to come on at any second.

I don't think Admission's disappointing streak can be blamed on the cast. Tina Fey's always on board for a good time, once again proving that in disappointing movies like this and Baby Mama, she can ALMOST elevate anything. She makes you root for her character even though you pretty much know how she will start up in the movie and where she will end off. Paul Rudd also fares well as her romantic interest, though he isn't given much to do, he does it well.

Tina Fey stars as Portia, a college admissions officer sent to a quite unusual school to look for recruitments. She meets up with Paul Rudd's character John who introduces her to an aspiring student who might possibly be the child she put up for adoption many years ago. The only issue is that he's unlike any other student on their acceptance list, getting him in seems almost impossible (but you know rules will be bent to get him in).

Every situation in Admission can be seen miles away. Though some of them are enjoyable (thanks mainly to the cast's charm) it's impossible to really enjoy it when you feel like you've seen it so many times. The last half definitely falls flat on its' face, as the comedic tones have been replaced by hum drum dramatic themes that never feel authentic. Admission is a by-the-books bore that could have been stronger if someone had taken a chance instead of phoning it in.

2/4

A Haunted House

     When will people realize that after 10,000 attempts, spoofing Paranormal Activity will not be funny. Especially considering the majority of the entries in that series are already jokes themselves, jokes don't need jokes inspired by jokes. Next in the assembly line of terrible spoofs is A Haunted House, proof that if you set a release date in the beginning of the year, it's possible to send any type of garbage out for people to see. Marlon Wayans and Essence Atkins star as Malcolm and Keisha, the couple being overtaken by Paranormal Activity/The Devil Inside inspired events, but with the terrible plotting, embarassing and cringe-worthy performances and complete lack of humor, you'll be the one getting screwed over far more then any character in this disaster.

0/4

A Series of Unfortunate Events

When I think of movies geared towards children, I think of optimism. Lighthearted movies (mainly animated), where you know everything will be just fine and that there really isn't any present danger to the main characters. Here to kick that idea in the groin is A Series of Unfortunate Events, a movie that makes the ending of Bambi look like casual fluff in comparison.

A Series of Unfortunate Events is about three children; Klaus, Violet, and Sunny (most recognizable being Emily Browning from The Uninvited as Violet) whose wealthy parents were recently killed in a fire due to unknown circumstances. They are then sent to live with a distant, strange relative by the name of Count Olaf (Jim Carrey), and least can be said is that he has other things planned for the children besides a trip to the zoo. In the event of all of their deaths, Count Olaf gets bank. He is determined to get the mentioned bank, no matter how many others need to be offed in the process. Happy kids' movie right?

A Series of Unfortunate Events shines in many categories, but one of the movie's biggest strengths is the appearance; absolutely astonishing. It's as if the movie was the distant stepcousin of a Tim Burton creation, minus the Johnny Depp part of course. Every scene is shot to perfection, the colors are brooding and menacing, the setpieces are astounding. The movie really does create a successful atmosphere of melancholy.

The performances from everyone are really stellar, but Jim Carrey surprisingly nails it, I would easily consider this one of his best performances. He displays an unsual amount of uneasiness and terror for a PG rated movie, yet he hams it up when needed in the scenes where he depicts Olaf as a caring relative that couldn't love the children more. It's Carrey's show here and he really keeps your attention in every scene that he is a part of.

Though it's certainly not something I would call terrifying, A Series of Unfortunate Events is actually quite creepy which is shocking considering the low parental rating of PG that it received. Count Olaf really is quite a menacing guy who will take down anyone in his path. Granted, you aren't able to see any of the murders, but still, I was pretty impressed by the effective thrills that this material provides. It's like the children's movie that is geared for everyone. I just really hope this isn't the type of movie that will inspire 10,000 sequels. Because that is the type of event that is quite unfortunate, and will make the orphan's journey feel like a walk in the park in comparison.

3/4



Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

I don't know why so many movies insist on rewriting History, making it even duller and more tedious than most of it already appears to be to most people, but low and behold...Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is up for the challenge, sucking on all levels and will easily be appearing on my worst movies of 2012 list at the end of the year.

In addition to being against slavery, and extremely into politics, Abraham Lincoln was also a...vampire hunter? Yeah, never was taught that in school. Benjamin Walker plays Abe Lincoln, the upcoming president who had a passion for killing vampires since the day his mother was murdered by one (it's always the Mother's fault). He finds a trainer in Henry (Dominic Cooper), another man who had his life changed by vampires, though unlike Abe....Henry's connection to the vampire world is a bit more personal. He also has some extra help from former slave; Will, his wife Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Weinstead), and his fellow employee Speedy (Jimmi Simpson), to work together to destroy the main vampires that run the town.

One of the biggest problems with Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, is that it's just a complete jackshit of all trades. The writing is lame and archaic, you could almost see the dust being blown off of some of these lines and watch the desperate attempts at humor hit the fan. It's not scary at all either, it's just loud with a bunch of obnoxious, second-rate Matrix special effects popping up on screen every time there's a sensation of an audience member slowly drifting into a coma. The harder you try, the bigger you will fall...and that is a lesson that Vampire Hunter learns the hard way, an 105 minute lesson learned for both everyone involved in the movie and everyone watching.  

Unfortunately, this isn't a movie that just drags down the writers, editors, visual artists, and the director....the actors go down with the Titanic is well. There isn't one performance highlight, as everyone acts with the passion and vigor of someone reading names out of the telephone book. It really does feel like a bland History re-enactment with some vampire shit in the middle to attract the younger viewers. Suffice it to say...attraction failed.

Abraham Lincoln is a poorly plotted, poorly acted, written, and directed mess of a movie that serves no purpose in existing. Not one ounce of humor, intrigue, excitement, or thrills is present in 1 minute of this disaster from beginning to end. It's a shame this movie isn't more like a vampire, being destroyed the moment it entered the light. Oh, and the vampires in this movie don't even burn when they come in the sun. You double fail, Abe Lincoln...get your shit straight.

0/4

Angel Heart

Giving people another reason to be afraid of anywhere located near New Orleans is Angel Heart, an effective and truly frightening horror movie that is easily one of my personal favorite movies of the 1980's.

Angel Heart stars Mickey Rourke (Sin City) as Harry Angel, a private investigator hired by Louis Cyphre (Robert De Niro) to find a man named Johnny Love who hit it big years before and managed to skip out on Louis...avoiding any type of payments that were owed to him. So pretty much, Harry is paid a large sum of money to track down this guy so that he can pay Louis back. Sounds pretty easy right? Well, there are a few complications. Excluding the fact that Johnny Love seems virtually impossible to find, there's also the miniscule little issue of every witness that Harry speaks to being murdered directly after they answer Harry's questions, making local police wonder if Harry himself is behind these crimes. Not to mention that Harry's search takes him to New Orleans, where everyone and their mother has a personal relationship with the devil himself and would cut a chicken's throat in a second for him (I'M NOT KIDDING...YIKES).

Though Mickey Rourke definitely holds his own here as Harry Angel and is definitely captivating as he takes the audience on his mental and physical journey to solve the mystery and locate Johnny Angel, it's Robert De Niro as Louis Cyphre who completely steals the show here. He's certainly a co-star compared to Rourke, but during his scenes onscreen...he dominates every bit of your attention, completely erasing the fact that he's not the absolute protagonist in this movie. Cosby kid; Lisa Bonet also holds her own here, as the oversexualized witness that may know more than she's letting on about Johnny Love.

One of the strengths in this movie is how it's chilling even when the audience is seeing nothing. Don't get me wrong, the murders of the witnesses which include death by being choked with a penis, having the heart ripped out, and having a gun shoved where the sun will never shine are certainly scenes that I wouldn't call excessively gruesome, but the movie doesn't rely on its' graphic demises to get across a strong sense of tension, despair, and pure terror. It relies on the premise & surroundings as well. This is one of those movies where every character could possibly be up to no good, and I would definitely say this movie will keep you guessing up until the end, or at least...close to the end.

As for the ending which I will certainly not reveal...I would say it was executed pretty smoothly. As expected, it does have a twist but it's twisty enough to satisfy those who want to be surprised...but not so convoluted as to where it's just twisty just for the sake of being twisty while not making a ton of sense, which a lot of horror movies are quite guilty of. Angel Heart will chill you down to the very bone.

3/4



A Nightmare on Elm Street

In general, I feel like people shit all over remakes just for the simple fact that they're remakes. If one is exactly the same as the original, it gets beat to death as being pointless and repetitive (The Omen). If one makes some pretty big changes or any differences in the story...then it just gets labeled as silly or overcomplicated (Halloween). When watching a remake, I try to put the original out of my mind when critiquing the newer version. Obviously, try is the big word, considering comparisons of the two are quite unavoidable, but I digress. I actually enjoyed this version of Nightmare on Elm Street mainly because it was as Goldilocks would say..."Just right" in the middle of the two worlds. It didn't strictly copy the original's format nor did it make 135038493489358934839 changes just to strive to be different.

Anyone who has ever seen any horror movie pretty much already knows the basic plotline of Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley) is burned to the ground by parents on Elm Street whose children were murdered by Freddy. He comes back (like they all do) and begins to murder all of the teenagers who live on Elm Street...in their dreams. Most noticeable of those teenagers being Kris (Katie Cassidy from Black Christmas) and Nancy (Rooney Mara from Girl with the Dragon Tattoo).

I was impressed by the little surprises in NOES (because I'm too lazy to keep writing out the full title). The main one, being the order of the characters' deaths. Without giving away too much, one character who we fully expect to be the lead and make it through the end...dies in their second scene, while another character who we imagined would be a co-star...turns out to be the hero/heroine of the movie after all. It's pretty refreshing when you can't guess a movie's death order right after viewing the characters for the first time. Easily some kudos to the writers is owed right there.

NOES actually manages to be quite scary at times as well. Some of the cat and mouse scenes with Freddy chasing around the teenagers in their dreams still feel as inventive and fun to watch as were the scenes in the original NOES. And also, the new version of NOES doesn't splatter gore across the screen at every given opportunity. Like an animal, NOES strives to achieve its' goal through the hunt as opposed to just focusing on the kill alone.

The acting is actually pretty impressive as well. Generally I don't expect many strong performances in these types of movies, but this one actually proves to be an exception. Or maybe my standards are just super low after watching billions of Syfy channel movies where the actors would be deemed as competent if they knew when to scream on cue. Ehh, either way...NOES isn't a total embarassment to watch in terms of performances, and the leads (mainly Rooney <3) do the original characters proud. NOES actually is a pretty solid remake on a flawless original in my opinion. Just please....DON'T MAKE ANY MORE SEQUELS TO THIS. That would be a bigger dreamkiller than Freddy for fuck's sake.

3/4

ATM

Some movies have such little thought put into the final product that they make you wonder if you're not just seeing a series of bloopers strung together. That is the case in ATM, a tedious, poorly acted, written, and directed horror movie that's about as scary as well actually going to an ATM. Basic plot is that three coworkers (the most notable being Josh from "Drake and Josh") get stuck in ANTM by a hooded figure that bashes anyone's brains out that gets in his way. They can't get out and it seems like he has no interest in getting in, so it becomes a terribly dull battle between the two sides. As if the concept of being stuck in an ATM wasn't silly enough (especially considering some of the past movies dealing with being stuck in such worse places; an elevator, the ocean, underground etc) the movie just feels completely clueless. Nothing remotely interesting or creepy happens at all. Add on three terrible performances, dialogue that feels as if it was made on the spot, and a ridiculously lackluster "twist" ending, and you have a giant fail of a movie that makes you wish you could get a refund of your time and/or money.

0/4