Hansel & Gretel

Hansel & Gretel is such an epic disaster that it makes the controversy of 2012 with the end of the world feel like child's play in comparison. And I can almost guarantee that this also caused more people to fall into depression as well.

The sheer visuals of HAG (for short) is easily one of the biggest turn-offs in the movie. You would swear someone created this movie with a crayon or a video game program. Everything looks ridiculously fake, this is easily some of the most laughable fake blood use in a recent horror movie and every monster was clearly meant to resemble a muppet. Scenes of the antagonists stirring up trouble and terror just come off as pure comedy due to the cheap looks and ridiculously awful makeup.

If there was one ounce of life within any of these performances within the 80 minute time frame (trust me, I counted), I sure as hell missed it. Both of the leads that play Hansel & Gretel feel terribly wooden and as lively as the monsters they're killing. Famke Janssen seems awfully embarassed in her scenes as well, can't say I blame her considering that the previously mentioned awful makeup and looks hit her character the hardest.

Maybe it was the characterization to blame for the actors' bland portrayals. There must have been some real black magic at work when writing this movie, no one is given anything interesting or exciting to do. The leads seem terribly bored with ridiculously cringeworthy dialogue, the villians lack menace, even the frightened townspeople don't sound frightened

Never in my life would I imagine complaining that an 80 minute movie is about 60 minutes way too long but for fuck's sake. About 10 minutes in you realize things are going downhill and what's worse is when they slide downhill from that downhill. There's no story here whatsoever, minus Hansel & Gretel killing witches in tedious action scenes there's nothing going on. No fun, no thrills, no surprises, no twists, no reason to give a shit. In a scene towards the ending a monster exclaimed, "I want your brains", which lead me to question if there were any used during the creation of this disaster.

Like a real fairytale, Hansel & Gretel makes you question if what you're taking in is real, but sadly for all the wrong reasons. Just like the candy house in the beginning of the movie (sadly, the only non-cringeworthy scene), Hansel & Gretel will make you sick.

0/4