Halloween Ends

 

I'm slightly tweaking a Real Housewives quote when I say about this movie, "It needs to go back to where it came from, which is nowhere in my life". There were some pretty good kills here and I wasn't wanting to die throughout watching it, but it just left me feeling more confused then anything. Some really bizarre narrative choices occur very early on that takes the story off the path it has been building for all of the new entries. Halloween Begins, Halloween Middles and Halloween Climaxes are all wondering who the fuck this chick is.

2/4

The Hunt

The people that were genuinely offended by this movie are the same fools that are iv'ing each other with disinfectants as we speak, this movie was a fucking riot.

3/4

Hustlers

Well this movie was...disappointing as Shit. After all the talk I heard about this being a female Goodfellas I was let down. It just feels like it never takes off or catches fire, similar to a stove where you hear the gas click but not the flame ignite. Maybe part of it was my ignorance on what actually happened, but I felt like the whole thing was just uninvolving as Shit. There was some humor that worked and I did think the cast had chemistry but no one immensely stood out (although I will say JLO's Criminal dance is award worthy albeit not Oscar worthy). In the end though, I'mma hustled baby

2/4

Hellbent

A pretty cast can't disguise a screenplay that is hellbent on avoiding suspense.

1/4

Horns

Its ambition can't be denied, but an overload of sublots and ridiculous ending drag it all to Hell.

2/4

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1

Mehh. I'm all for building suspense, but this movie just felt like fancy, pretty time-killer to the second part of Mockingjay.  My biggest issue is that nothing really seems to happen. Situations get set up, there's so much build-up but it leads to nothing. It's a roller coaster that takes you up the big hill and ends the ride just as the anticipation reaches its' highest. I did enjoy the change of theme here as I find it intriguing that more evil is off the battlefield.  And Jennifer Lawrence is always a treasure even when the script reduces her to crying and looking distraught.  But it all just feels like filler. You're not catching any fire this time, Katniss.

2/4

Heathers

Never has being sour looked so sweet. From the pitch-perfect screenplay to the daring performances, Heathers is a blast.

4/4

Her

What a beautiful piece of cinematic art, I knew 5 minutes into Her that I would love it. Everything about this movie feels like magic. Joaquin Phoenix is stellar as Theodore and couldn't be any more sympathetic or charming in his lonely ways. Scarlett Johanson is fantastic as Samantha, the voice of the operating system that Theodore falls in love with, she has such a charisma, charm, and relatibility a majority of the movie I almost forgot that she wasn't actually on screen. Amy Adams gives a much stronger performance and has a much more engaging character then her Hustle gig as Amy, Theodore's only in the flesh female friend that has more in common with her buddy then imagined. Everything about the movie makes you feel like you're in a dream from the fantastic cinematography to the perfect screenplay, Her is a moviegoer's long lost love that came back.

4/4

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Anyone going into this thinking, "Once is a blessing, twice is a curse" will be knocked back as The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is excellent. Things may be getting a bit shittier in Katniss' world but nothing has gone to Hell in the quality of this entry.

Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson), the winners of the previous Hunger Games, are in for far from a welcome home after their victory. In fact, due to Katniss' rebeliousness towards the government, defiance towards the rules, and her and Peeta's combined effort to commit suicide to end the last games, things are much more chaotic on the home land as the hope spread from these players' actions is being spread to the towns who feel they no longer have to live this way. Long story short, President Snow (Donald Sutherland) and the Hunger Games' creator; Plutarch Heavensbee (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) want her dead, they plan to achieve this by sending the two victors', and two victors from every other district to a semi-finals battle of the winners Hunger Games. But Katniss is far from going down without a fight, even when she comes to realize that the scariest things out there are everything outside of the Hunger Games.

Jennifer Lawrence once again is on fire as Katniss. She's brave, heroic, humorous, rootable, and she feels like a very authentic character, you'll go with her through anything. Donald Sutherland and Phillip Seymour Hoffman (a great new addition) shine as the villians, their menace and devious plans are far more chilling then the actual games. Also noteworthy new additions are Finnick (played by Sam Clafin with a devious, mysterious charm) and Johanna (played with agression, fun, and grit by Jena Melone) as fellow competitors who team up with Katniss and Peeta. I can't say I was terribly impressed with Josh Hutcherson as Peeta. I can't tell if it's the performance or the actual character but I find his part a terribly bland piece in a stock romance. I would say the romantic element of The Hunger Games is probably my least favorite part and probably the only reason why I would say the first in the series was a tad stronger considering it featured less of it.

Catching Fire has a similar set-up to the first. The first half is dedicated to getting things ready for the battle and the tension is amped up in this one due to the events in the first. The political, moral, and social evil in the first half is actually quite chilling as everyone seems to act without a mind of their own; almost groupspeak.

The set-up leads towards most viewers' favorite half of the movie; the actual games. And they definitely don't disappoint. These scenes are amazing, thrilling as the tension feels amped up this time. The scenes with the violent monkeys, tear gas, and spinning platform are every movie junkie's amped up fantasy.

And though I'm usually not a fan of cliffhanger endings, Catching Fire ends with a bang. Though you don't know where this bang will lead, you don't care as Catching Fire effectively takes the viewer from one journey to the next heart racing and pulse pounding.

Grade: 3/4

Hatchet III

It saddens me how ridiculously terrible continuations like Hatchet III make people forget about how awesome the original Hatchet was in every way. It was hillarious, the performances were full of fun, the characters actually had personalities, the gore looked great and it was actually quite jumpy as well. Movies like Hatchet III should be banned from anything having to do with such a high quality.

There's such little plot here it's impossible to stretch it out. Marybeth (Danielle Harris) thinks that she killed Victor Crowley, of course (due to some inane logic about Victor returning to his former self every night) he isn't dead, ripping through a new group of people in a matter of minutes, it's up to Marybeth to stop him and blah blah blah.

It's hard to say what's the biggest reason is why Hatchet III makes you wish the hatchet would go through your head instead of the characters on screen. Could it be the ridiculously terrible performances? (Even by straight to DVD standards...this shit is beyond belief. Could it be the laughable death scenes and awful makeup (see how Crowley looks in this entry for further proof)? Could it be that there isn't a single scare, laugh, or surprise from beginning to end? Regardless, the scariest part about Hatchet III is the poster where the tagline "This legend never dies".

The very thought of there being a 4th Hatchet entry is far more sinister and terrifying then anything Crowley will ever be able to do with his infamous weapon.

0/4

Hansel & Gretel

Hansel & Gretel is such an epic disaster that it makes the controversy of 2012 with the end of the world feel like child's play in comparison. And I can almost guarantee that this also caused more people to fall into depression as well.

The sheer visuals of HAG (for short) is easily one of the biggest turn-offs in the movie. You would swear someone created this movie with a crayon or a video game program. Everything looks ridiculously fake, this is easily some of the most laughable fake blood use in a recent horror movie and every monster was clearly meant to resemble a muppet. Scenes of the antagonists stirring up trouble and terror just come off as pure comedy due to the cheap looks and ridiculously awful makeup.

If there was one ounce of life within any of these performances within the 80 minute time frame (trust me, I counted), I sure as hell missed it. Both of the leads that play Hansel & Gretel feel terribly wooden and as lively as the monsters they're killing. Famke Janssen seems awfully embarassed in her scenes as well, can't say I blame her considering that the previously mentioned awful makeup and looks hit her character the hardest.

Maybe it was the characterization to blame for the actors' bland portrayals. There must have been some real black magic at work when writing this movie, no one is given anything interesting or exciting to do. The leads seem terribly bored with ridiculously cringeworthy dialogue, the villians lack menace, even the frightened townspeople don't sound frightened

Never in my life would I imagine complaining that an 80 minute movie is about 60 minutes way too long but for fuck's sake. About 10 minutes in you realize things are going downhill and what's worse is when they slide downhill from that downhill. There's no story here whatsoever, minus Hansel & Gretel killing witches in tedious action scenes there's nothing going on. No fun, no thrills, no surprises, no twists, no reason to give a shit. In a scene towards the ending a monster exclaimed, "I want your brains", which lead me to question if there were any used during the creation of this disaster.

Like a real fairytale, Hansel & Gretel makes you question if what you're taking in is real, but sadly for all the wrong reasons. Just like the candy house in the beginning of the movie (sadly, the only non-cringeworthy scene), Hansel & Gretel will make you sick.

0/4

A Haunted House

     When will people realize that after 10,000 attempts, spoofing Paranormal Activity will not be funny. Especially considering the majority of the entries in that series are already jokes themselves, jokes don't need jokes inspired by jokes. Next in the assembly line of terrible spoofs is A Haunted House, proof that if you set a release date in the beginning of the year, it's possible to send any type of garbage out for people to see. Marlon Wayans and Essence Atkins star as Malcolm and Keisha, the couple being overtaken by Paranormal Activity/The Devil Inside inspired events, but with the terrible plotting, embarassing and cringe-worthy performances and complete lack of humor, you'll be the one getting screwed over far more then any character in this disaster.

0/4

Hitchcock

   When I first heard of this movie, I imagined a good core of it would be based on the actual making of "Psycho", and the rest would be dedicated to Hitchcock's marriage, wandering eye, obsession with anything in a dress, etc. Sadly I was mistaken, as these details murdered the other ones in terms of what occupied the most time on screen.

Anthony Hopkins plays the title character, as he's striving to reach his next big hit, something different and fresh that will get people surprised in his work again. With his loyal wife Alma (Helen Mirren) by his side, Hitchcock strives to make Psycho, despite the several issues with the MPAA, the graphic content used in the film (most notably the shower scene and a risqué shot of a toilet...no I'm not kidding), and the issue of a wandering eye, with Hitchcock keeping a good look on his costars just a little too often, and his wife Alma involving herself in a relationship with a "friend" who wants to be more than friends.

Hitchcock's costumes and visuals deserve and some Academy recognition. Every scene is shot perfectly. The atmosphere is stunning, the looks of the characters really make you feel like you're watching an entirely different decade all together, and I loved the set pieces involved in the making of Psycho.

The performances are also impressive. Anthony Hopkins nails the obsession and determination that drove Hitchcock to this sheer greatness. Helen Mirren holds her own as well, as the wife with the bubbling resentment that eventually bubbles over in a perfectly delivered speech. Scarlett Johansson also gives a noteworthy performance as Psycho's lead actress, her performance is full of charm and radiance.

Sadly though, Hitchcock drags at times. Clearly the marriage between Hitchcock and Alma had issues, but I felt the film felt way too much time repeating these conflicts and arguments the two had. I would have much rather preferred watching more time in the movie being invested to the making of the movie that made Hitchcock the cinematic pimp he was known to be. Hitchcock needed to summon a bit more of the same attitude as Norman Bates but sadly the movie never delivers the crazy that you would want it to.

3/4

The Heat

 A great actor's charm can elevate average material. Such is the case with The Heat, a film that is carried by Bullock and McCarthy's raw talent. I feel that without the two leads, the movie would have felt like a gun to the head.

The Heat stars Sandra Bullock as Sarah Ashburn, a one woman working machine of a detective who just can't seem to play nice with others. But, in order to receive a promotion from her boss, she just might have to suck it up and be a team player to solve a new case with a deadly drug dealer and all of his connections. She doesn't realize how difficult this will be until she meets her partner; Shannon Mullins, played by Melissa McCarthy, who is pretty much the human equivalence of a a bulldock with her neverending love of profanity and violence to get the job done.

And if this sounds anything like Miss Congeniality 2 or any other recent cop comedy, it's probably because it is like many other recent cop comedies. You know how this will begin, with these two ready to kill each other. You know how this will be in the middle, with these two enduring through wacky situations that require them to bond. You know where the climax will go, with something job related threatening to tear the two apart and you know the ending will resolve in a big pile of goo. There's nothing you won't see coming here, which isn't unforgivable if it is done effectively, but I feel The Heat's screenplay lets it down.

The Heat's biggest issue is the lackluster and obvious script. I feel the dialogue comes off as terribly contrived and forced. There's too many scenes of just tedious profanity (and this is coming from someone that's enamored with profanity) and too many scenes of bland threats that shoot for humor but just come across as overachieving. I felt like at times this movie resembled an average sitcom that would probably start and stop within a two week period. There's just nothing terribly special here going on in terms of wit or humor.

Luckily though, The Heat's leads have a natural flair for humor. Sandra Bullock has played this role many times but luckily she has it down perfectly. Her character is reminiscent of many of Bullock's other roles but she plays the role with charm and humor. And when the script isn't overworking her character, McCarthy shines as the tough as nails but oddly loveable match to Bullock's tight demeanor. When the two leads are able to play themselves, they shine. But when The Heat's script turns these women's performances into caricatures, The Heat's flame burns out.

2/4



Hotel Transylvania

When your main characters are undead, your material should be full of life. Sadly, that is not the case here. Hotel Transylvania falls rather flat and the material never rises above average.

Hotel Transylvania stars Adam Sandler as Dracula, someone who is determined to create an environment where monsters can roam free and not have to worry about angry humans wanting their head on a platter. He creates a hotel for all of his kind to come party it up. This hotel also serves a double purposes as a barrier for his daughter to not be able to escape to the outside world, avoiding contact with humans at all costs. But when one mistakenly shows up at the hotel, she begins to fall in love, and Daddy's control starts to loosen up.

One of the biggest positives about Hotel Transylvania are the actors giving the voices to these characters. Supporting characters such as David Spade, CeeLo Green, Kevin James, and Molly Shannon are a blast, providing all the personality and fun really needed to make an animated character come to life. The animation is effective as well, I was impressed by how many details were given to the scenery and each individual monster. It's visual cotton candy.

Unfortunately, Hotel Transylvania's material could have been stronger. So many details come across as derivative in movies where the ideas were accomplished in a much stronger way. The humor at times comes across as a bit juvenile as well, there's only so many bodily function jokes you can do before shit gets tired. Hotel Transylvania is decent family filler that I feel would have worked a bit better as a 30 min television show. Stretching it out to 90 minutes is a bit of a pain in the neck.

2/4

The House Bunny

Anna Faris deserves a best blonde ever Oscar and I said what I said. 

3/4

High Tension





 It seems like foreign horror movies receive the reputation of either being absolutely gruesome, a million times better than American horror movies, or both of the two options. And I have to say, High Tension easily lives up to both of these standards. It’s bloody as hell but still quite effective at being very spine-chilling at the same time.

High Tension is about two semi-lesbianic (yes I’m aware that isn’t a word) friends named Marie and Alexa. While staying at Alexa’s parents’ house one weekend, a male intruder breaks into the house, murders all of Alexa’s family, and then kidnaps her, all of which was viewed by Marie who was hiding under the bed the entire time. Marie is determined to save her friend as she chases down the killer while viewing all the carnage and death he leaves behind him.

                High Tension pulls no punches when it comes to the blood. Every murder pretty much ends in an explosion of blood which is awesome, and from what I’ve read, a few scenes were edited down which actually makes me quite sad that we could have seen worse. But I digress, High Tension doesn’t back down when it comes to showing the gruesome shit on screen, there is very little left to the imagination. People are slashed, throats are slit, people are beheaded by furniture, kids are shot, heads are used as masturbatory aids, and you get the point. This is a huge positive though, gorehounds aren’t into using their imagination to picture what a death in a movie looks like, and they want to see it happen.

                Even though High Tension easily earns its’ R rating in the gore department, I actually would feel like the movie would feel quite menacing without it. The direction is quite clever actually, placing the viewer in the seat of Marie as she is following the killer and her kidnapped friend while he is doing all of this terrible shit to people. It actually makes the viewer feel like they’re in the back of a rollercoaster like Marie would feel in this movie and that’s something easily worthy of recognition. High Tension is solid at making the viewer feel like they are actually there watching everything occur in front of their own eyes.

                As for the controversial ending, I was actually pretty sold by it. Granted, it was completely ridiculous and was taking a similar path to many horror movies today, I still was a fan. This type of resolution is something that can really be sold if the actors are into it, and Cécile de France (the actress who plays Marie) sells the hell out of it.

          High Tension is a solid, thrilling, gruesome film from beginning to end, sold by the direction and strong performances along with a great pace that never lags. Sure it’s ridiculous as hell and if you pick it apart, it doesn’t really make a lick of sense. But that’s what the genre tends to entail, and for utter lunacy, High Tension is a great bet to put your money on.

3/4

House at the End of the Street

Still to this day wondering who the Fuck JLaw pissed off to get placed into this movie. That is one powerful person. 

0/4

The Hunger Games

For those who read my reviews, odds are that you're pretty familiar with the fact that I despise long movies in general, considering I don't think many of them are worth three fucks of their length. It's also a lesser known fact that I don't really care for action movies much either (I much prefer to see someone get their head chopped off then shot off anyday). So for one to make me as enamored as I am with The Hunger Games...that says something right there about the sheer amazing quality of it.

The premise of The Hunger Games is if you took the lovechild of The Most Dangerous Game and The Lottery and threw it on screen with a bit more of a magical element too it. Every year in the 12 districts of Panem, a boy and girl between the ages of 12-18 are selected to play the games. So 24 kids go in the arena, but only one will come out as the victor, pretty much being promised to be hailed as almost a celebrity of the bloodbath. Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence from Hunger Games and the last X-Men) volunteers herself after her younger sister is selected, taking her place and joining fellow contestant Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) as the two kids from their district. Once they have arrived at where the games will begin, they do training for every part of the event, from the looks, to what to say in the interviews, to how to gain sponsors in order to actually survive (fellow noticeable actors such as Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks, and Lenny Kravitz show up in this section). As the games begin, it's a vicious bloodbath that requires Katniss to bank on every skill she has utilized in life so far. Whether it be defending herself from the "Careers" (pretty much the kids who get off on this shit), or using her nuturing instincts to protect a fellow player named Rue (Amandla Stenberg).

The Hunger Games is exciting for all parts of the body that get some type of..fulfillment from movies. The first one being the heart. Though it's far from being anything related to a romantic comedy, The Hunger Games is actually pretty emotive overall. The scenes with Katniss and Peeta hit the right notes, those being ones that let you know there's a strong romance brewing but it doesn't bash you over the head with it as to lose focus from the movie's primary ideas. The death scenes are also quite heartbreaking as well, and for those who have read the book and/or seen the movie...I don't need to mention which one in particular will feel like a knife to the heart.

The brain is also a part of the body that gets some type of stimulation when viewing The Hunger Games because of the way that the society is presented. With the constant needs for high ratings, honoring a sacred tradition, and the shit that gets viewed by people all over the world, it actually makes you question if our own society is that different than the one presented in The Hunger Games. How valuable is a human life in our own society when the main complaint about the media is the lack of restraint that it upholds with its material?

And for everyone wanting a bit of thrills, The Hunger Games easily charges up the pulses of everyone in the theater. Jennifer Lawrence (who for the third time in a row is proving that she's amazing...and a BAMF) will easily be regarded as the next big hero of an action trilogy. Move over Harry Potter, Spider-Man, and anything related to a vampire...Katniss is taking over. The action scenes in this movie are brilliant. Exciting, nerve-wracking, and actually pretty graphic, though not too graphic though considering the PG-13 rating. The scenes alone with the beehive and the killer dogs are scenes that should grab anyone's attention. The Hunger Games will easily become the next big film phenomenon which is deservedly so considering how many right notes The Hunger Games will hit from beginning to end.

3/4



The Help

It's always a joy when a movie which you think you know everything about turns out to be totally different than what you expected. Don't get me wrong; The Help is obviously about injustices between races in a much earlier decade but the overall feeling is one I didn't expect. Not only is The Help heartbreaking and powerful, it's actually much more entertaining, hillarious, and witty than I ever expected, easily one of the best movies of 2011.

The Help stars Emma Stone, as Skeeter Phelan, a young writer determined to make an impression in the literary world. So she decides to write a novel from the viewpoint of the help, collecting her material from local servants Aibileen Clark and Minny Jackson (played by Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer), and exposing the evil of the people they work for led by Hilly Holbrook (Bryce Dallas Howard) as the town's main racist with plans of making all of the black servants be demoted to using separate bathrooms outside of their employers' homes.

The Help's performances are easily one of the strongest positives of the movie. Emma Stone as Skeeter is quite effective, summoning up a rare contrast of an innocent, yet powerful and agressive energy, and she works both of these traits so well. Octavia Spencer (who deservedly won the Oscar) and Viola Davis (who SHOULD have won the Oscar) are forces of nature here. They'll go from breaking your heart to making you laugh your ass off in a matter of seconds, and not once do you see actresses performing roles, you see people behaving as people. Bryce Dallas Howard is also deliciously evil and the town bitch, and Jessica Chastain (who was rightfully nominated for the Oscar) is terribly endearing as Celia Foote, the town housewife who doesn't treat the help like dirt...and as expected, is despised for her differences and kind outlooks.

The Help's tone achieves the perfect blends of different types of attitude here. Rarely would I consider a movie about exposing social injustices to be entertaining, but The Help actually managed to capture and hold my attention from beginning to end. And considering that this movie is almost 2.5 hours long, that is no easy task mind you. And as heartbreaking and effective as the movie can be with the emotional punches that it swings at you, The Help is actually quite spicy and at times, very hillarious as well. Not once do you feel like you're watching a soap opera/Lifetime special of prejudices. The screenplay would be what Goldilocks describes as "Just right". Just the right amount of drama, of comedy, and of all that good shit in the middle.

The Help is easily one of the best movies of 2011 bar none. It exposes social injustices in a way that will attract all types of audiences. Those who are looking to find out about how things were in the 1960's according to race, those who are just suckers for those Oscar bait types of movies, and those who want a good laugh and possibly a good cry (TRUST ME, there will be at least one scene that will come close to making you cry/actually making you cry). The Help is a masterpiece that should be seen by every type of moviegoer.

4/4