Top Whore-Ers of the 2010's

2010
5. The Crazies
4. Insidious
3. Shutter Island
2. Let Me In
1. Black Swan

Great way to start off the decade! It's an easy choice for Black Swan, but Let Me In was beautiful and the other three were batshit nuts as well.

2011
5. Absentia
4. Final Destination 5
3. Scream 4
2. You're Next
1. The Skin I Live In

Finally I'm not choosing the popular choice! The Skin I Live In was brilliant and just gets more demented the more it unravels.

2012
5. Maniac
4. Excision
3. Sinister
2. Frankenweenie
1. Cabin in the Woods

Me putting an animated movie on just for having elements of horror should show you what I think of this year in a nutshell. It couldn't be anything but Cabin in the Woods though.

2013
5. Curse of Chucky
4. Carrie
3. Green Inferno
2. Oculus
1. The Conjuring

As much as they've played out The Conjuring/Nun/Annabelle/Daughter's Niece's sister of Annabelle franchise, The Conjuring was the perfect jump scare movie, a cinematic roller coaster that doesn't ease up.

2014
5. The Guest
4. Housebound
3. The Babadook
2. Starry Eyes
1. It Follows

Can I please just list my top 3 all as one movie? No. Okay then, It Follows wins by a hair. And HM to Zombeavers, shut up, it was hilarious.


2015
5. The Invitation
4. The Final Girls
3. The Blackoat's Daughter
2. Southbound
1. The Witch

Year of the slow burn right? I'd say everything but The Final Girls falls into that category. Despite the super natural elements, I felt that The Witch perfectly demonstrated the greatest and most prevalent form of evil that there is; fucking people.

2016
5. Split
4. Hush
3. Raw
2. Train to Busan
1. The Neon Demon

I kind of love that two of my top 5 are foreign films, and one barely includes any dialogue at all. Language diversity! You should know by now I love rabbit down the hole in the pursuit of success movies and couldn't ride with anything else but The Neon Demon.

2017
05. Anna and the Apocalypse
04. Shape of Water
03. It
02. Get Out
01. The Killing of A Sacred Deer

This was a terrific year! I'll probably expand this into a top 10 once I see a few more things on my watch list. Update on my #1! TKOASD rattled me to the bone unlike no other.

2018

5. Unsane
4. Incident in a Ghostland
3. Terrified
2. Sharp Objects
1. Hereditary

This was a pretty fair year overall, yes I am cheating by putting a mini-series @ number 2, but fuck it, watch that show and tell me it didn't fill you with more dread than just about anything that came out that year. Hereditary was a complete shit show from beginning to end (in the best way possible), and therefore gets my vote.

2019
5. The Perfection
4. Us
3. Ready or Not
2. The Lighthouse
1. Midsommar

I feel like this was the year for return masterpieces as 3 of these films were directed by directors that made recent previous lists. Tough call between my top 3 as one is one of the most fun of the decade and two are some of the most unforgettable. Midsommar grabbed me harder than any feature this year, and for that I tip my hat.

We Are What We Are

This feels uninvolving and distant, a movie about cannibals shouldn't be this hard to sink your teeth into. 

2/4

Top dogs *Non Horror*: 2010-2019

2010

3. Toy Story 3

2. The Social Network

1. Blue Valentine

2011

3. Drive

2. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

1. Moneyball

2012

3. Silver Linings Playbook/Zero Dark Thirty

2. Life of Pi

1. Django Unchained

2013

3. About Time

2. The Wolf of Wall Street

1. 12 Years A Slave

2014

3. Gone Girl

2. A Most Violent Year

1. Nightcrawler

2015

3. Room

2. Spotlight

1. Inside Out

2016

3. Arrival

2. La La Land

1. Moonlight

2017

3. Call Me by Your Name/Coco

2. Lady Bird

1. I, Tonya

2018

3. A Simple Favor

2. BlacKkKlansman

1. Eighth Grade

2019

3. Booksmart

2. Knives Out

1. Joker

The Starving Games

The entries in the spoofing franchise have became so fucking lazy I'd be shocked if someone even woke up to direct it. That's the problem. There's no direction, no brains, and far from anything resembling humor in any of this Shit. It's such a shame that that back in 2000, Scary Movie started all these spoofs and that was actually funny! It's impossible to remember considering that movie is now suffocating under the mountain of trash that has been stuffed into a bin since 2001.

The main actress who plays Kantmiss (sadly one of the best jokes, I kid you not) isn't funny. No one's funny or in control of what they're doing. I kept looking above their heads for giant strings or someone's hand going right up their asses. What's worse is that it takes a good feature film length of 90 minutes and drags it so far from Hell that you can see stretch marks by the time it's over.

If movies continue at this level of quality (aka none at all) I vote we have a real Purge and wipe out anyone involved in the creation of these demonic entity movies that couldn't be any more allergic to real comedy.

0/4

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

In terms of taking a journey, Walter Mitty never steps off the front door. It's hard to admire growth or progression in a movie that feels like one terribly overstretched and gimmicky concept.

I never thought I would say this but I miss the OTT, child-like style of humor from Ben Stiller. Because the dry, morose style just doesn't work. Walter Mitty could have had a stellar approach with the comedic situations that a fish out of water goes through but it never takes any. The material is played so dully straight at times you're wondering if you're watching something that is supposed to even entertain you.

This is a type of movie that either succeeds or fails highly based upon the audience's reactions to the characters, this is one of the problems, everyone is completely one-dimensional. Stiller's character never grows or expands as a person, Kristen Wiig is highly underused as his crush, and one of his motivating factors to go on the quest to save the company. Adam Scott as Ted Hendricks, his overbearing boss is a straight-up caricature, and Sean Penn's role as the mysterious photographer giving Walter all of his inspirational photos is highly underused.

And if you're going to make a children's movie for two hours, for fuck's sake give us something meaningful to watch or something with a plot that can hold strong for two hours. At one point in the movie, Walter Mitty is speaking with a rep at Eharmony and states that he hasn't been anywhere or done anything. This to me, summarized my thoughts on the screenplay, as Walter travels from country to country without ever really moving anywhere in the story.

I will say that, that visually, this movie is spectacular. Whoever did the graphics deserved a standing ovation as being the only factor that kept me awake. Walter's trips to Iceland, the sea, even his fantasies of attacking and chasing his boss look incredible. If only the performances and what came out of their characters' mouths was on board with this fun, then we might have had a success.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is easy on the eyes but that's the only sense that remains unscathed. It never gets in your head, or heart, and after watching it, you never really felt as if you entered any of these parts in the character of Walter Mitty either. Some things are just better left a secret.

1/4 

August: Osage County

Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep's nominations were well deserved but they're shining in such a tedious, phony dud.

1/4

Short Term 12

An unforgettable and inspiring movie about youth in foster care lead by a firecracker performance from Brie Larson.

4/4

Fruitvale Station

Feels so meticulously authentic you feel like you're in the real Oscar Grant's shoes. And Michael Jordan, Octavia Spencer, and Melonie Diaz will break your heart. 

3/4

Saving Mr. Banks

Despite the sappy and tedious flashbacks, Saving Mr. Banks has an undeniable charm and Emma Thompson is a total pistol as Nancy Travers.

3/4

Oldboy

For a movie whose original was deemed as so controversial and outrageous, this version of Oldboy just has no kick or bite to it. The previews mislead me thinking it would take risks and include surprises instead what we're watching feels sub-standard and watered down.

The problems start out in the beginning. Josh Brolin's character; Joe, is instantly unlikeable, it's hard to give two shits about anything that happens so the following scenes of isolation and quarantine just tend to drag considering they're happening to someone that they should be happening to.

Once he gets out things don't improve. I was shocked at how tedious and poorly visualized the action scenes were. Half of the time you can't tell what is going on and when you are able to see it....you wish you wouldn't have; straight-up Mortal Kombat shit graphics.

I mentioned that Brolin's character is unlikeable and this seems to be the guideline for the rest of the characters; make you care as little about them as possible. Marie played by Elizabeth Olsen is just there for a love interest for the lead without being given any personality or impact into the plot herself. Even Samuel Jackson's antagonist character comes off as incredibly silly and not the least bit threatening. It's a fucked up day when you can make Samuel Jackson lame but damn it, that is one of the few challenges that Oldboy rises up to defeat and conquer.

1/4

Her

What a beautiful piece of cinematic art, I knew 5 minutes into Her that I would love it. Everything about this movie feels like magic. Joaquin Phoenix is stellar as Theodore and couldn't be any more sympathetic or charming in his lonely ways. Scarlett Johanson is fantastic as Samantha, the voice of the operating system that Theodore falls in love with, she has such a charisma, charm, and relatibility a majority of the movie I almost forgot that she wasn't actually on screen. Amy Adams gives a much stronger performance and has a much more engaging character then her Hustle gig as Amy, Theodore's only in the flesh female friend that has more in common with her buddy then imagined. Everything about the movie makes you feel like you're in a dream from the fantastic cinematography to the perfect screenplay, Her is a moviegoer's long lost love that came back.

4/4

The Wolf of Wall Street

This movie is such an in your face, kick to the crotch type of show I was worried it would come off as obnoxious, instead, it's a total blast. There's so much energy from the direction to the screenplay to the performances you would swear every employee was injected with Heroin and Red Bull before shooting. I was more then enticed for the three hour length and Leonardo DiCaprio shines in the outrageous physical comedy and the outrageous physical and mental distruction. This Wolf packs a huge bite.

4/4

The Spectacular Now

It could have been such awful teen-bopper bullshit but The Spectacular Now feels so special it should be studied for everyone trying to make a romance about two teenagers from opposite sides falling in love. It has drama without being overdramatic, it has comedy without the crudeness. Miles Teller and Shailene Woodley couldn't have more chemistry even if they were married in real life. No caricatures or bullshit here. The popular guy isn't empty-headed, the girl whose different isn't a complete lost cause, even the popular girl isn't vapid (Brie Larson whose also stellar in her scenes). Very impressive indeed.

3/4

Lone Survivor

If there is a movie whose marketing I wanna kick more then Lone Survivor's then it's simply a crime against humanity. Though Lone Survivor gets the job done, the trailer, poster, and advertisements displaying Mark Wahlberg as the "Lone Survivor" really kill a lot of the suspense as to who will make it to the end. It also makes the scenes of Wahlberg fighting alone feel weightless and stuffed. But luckily, Lone Survivor has its' heart and soul from beginning to end. And though you know exactly what will happen to his fallen comrades on the mission (Ben Foster, Emile Hirsch, and Taylor Kitsch), it doesn't make what you're watching break your heart any less.

3/4

Blue Jasmine

If there's a way to be a fantastic hot mess, it's Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine, a firecracker of a movie that never stops sizzling with humor and wit.

Cate Blanchett is Jasmine, a woman whose life has fallen to pieces since she lost her money, her status, and her husband (Alec Baldwin) and he also committed suicide to add insult to injury. Her mental status is reduced to talking to herself amongst strangers. She needs help. This help comes in the form of Ginger (Sally Hawkins), her middle class sister that Jasmine used to look down on. To say that their lifestyles clash would be an understatement.

Cate Blanchett couldn't have given a better performance as far as I'm concerned. The level of committment here is insane. Jasmine has about 10,000 different personalities and moods and Blanchett nails every single one of them. This is the performance of a well deserved soon-to-be Oscar winner. Sally Hawkins also holds her own as Jasmine's sympathetic and eager to help punching bag.

The writing in Blue Jasmine is top notch. Witty, insightful, quote-worthy and hillarious, Blue Jasmine had me laughing from scene to scene. Never did insanity look like such a blast.

4/4

Enough Said

Enough Said is a rom-com that easily could have failed but to its' credit the writing and performances are so irresistible disliking this movie is like disliking kittens. Julia Louis-Dreyfus and James Gandolfini couldn't shine more as Eva and Albert, two lonely and seemingly hard to love divorcees who wind up meeting and falling in love. Only one problem; Albert's ex-wife; Marianne (Catherine Keener) turns out to become Eva's new bff. You know where it's going but the material just feels so authentic and warm it's worth it. Sometimes you can just enjoy the trip even though you know where it will end up.

3/4

American Hustle

Just why??? I don't understand. This one had everything in its' favor. A stellar director, an attractive, well-liked and talented cast, hair and makeup which is already kind of a comedy as it is, and not to mention the trailers made it look like so much fun to watch. So why did I end up feeling like I was watching a cheap trick for almost 2.5 hours?

The overall idea here is that pretty much all of the main characters are awful people trying to outscrew each other. Irving (Christian Bale) & Sydney (Amy Adams) are a pair of con artists who came from nothing and rose to something by riding other people's checkbooks and work. After a certain scam, they are busted by Richie (Bradley Cooper), a detective who really doesn't have that many ethics considering how quickly he is turned to the dark side by the conniving pair. Their goal is to screw over Mayor Carmine (Jeremy Renner) in order to save all of their asses and make a quick buck. Oh and Irving is also married to Rosalyn (Jennifer Lawrence) who has the potential to blow the whole con job to Hell considering her massive gift of simultaneously doing and saying all the wrong things at once.

So where did all this potential for a blast go wrong? For starters, I feel like the cast was other underutilized or just didn't perform up to par. Jennifer Lawrence is great in her scenes, but considering her past work in Winter's Bone, Silver Linings Playbook, and even the Hunger Games series, this performance fades and she really isn't on camera enough to really shine (though I must say her angry cleaning scene is my favorite of the whole movie). Amy Adams probably gives the most "Oscar friendly" performance, but her character just feels so static and bland, the most interesting thing about Sydney is that she doesn't wear a dress that covers her up from beginning to end (which I must say Adams wears quite well).

The men fare even worse. I'm actually quite baffled by the Oscar nominations that the two received. Christian Bale's performance feels so terribly dry and tedious I was wondering if he was even acting in the same movie (or the "fun" that the movie was trying to achieve). There's no swagger or comedy about his performance or character he's just a straight up dud. Bradley Cooper also failed to stand-out, I easily found him to be the most forgettable of the four.

When I think about the movie's script and progression from beginning to end, I start reminiscing about those old "Choose Your Own Fate/Ending" stories and how I would always manage to hit a wall with every decision I made. This conflict I had with these books couldn't sum up American Hustle any better; it's a project of missed opportunities. All of these characters are either really dim-witted or kind of awful people yet there's no comedy or drama or even a surprise with how the movie progresses. It's a neverending road with no twists, turns, or hills. There were so many scenes I kept waiting for the rocket to take off such as the cameo by Robert De Niro and the foreshadowing of Rosalyn and her big mouth getting everyone in trouble yet the flame just died. "Empty, empty, empty" is a quote barked out by Rosalyn at one point in the movie. She couldn't have summarized her own movie any better. You just got hustled.

Rating: 1/4

Frozen

Just when I was starting to worry about Disney's success and the overall quality of this year's animated features, along comes Frozen, a complete knock out from beginning to end.

Anna (Kristen Bell) and Elsa (Idina Menzel) are as close as two sisters can be. That is until Elsa's power to freeze everything accidentally hurts her sister. She locks herself away from her sister for years, only to be seen by her sister during Elsa's ceremony of becoming queen. After panicking and causing more destruction, Elsa takes off to the mountains, locking out everyone and inadvertently causes her town to become a permanent Winter wonderland. Anna is determined to reunite with her sister and get her to break the icy conditions with the help of Kristoff (Jonathan Groff), his reindeer, and a jolly snowman named Olaf (Josh Gad) whose biggest dream in life is to experience the Summertime.

The music in Frozen is so catchy and wonderful it's one of the few movies with a soundtrack I would listen to from beginning to end. Every character gets a chance to belt it out, some noteworthy voices include Kristen Bell's and Josh Gad's. But the real knockout performer is Idina Menzel as Elsa who really knocks it out of the park with "Let it Go", the movie's peak of songs. It really represents everything Frozen is about and it's the music the academy should be taking notes on.

I really enjoyed all of the characters and their dynamics as well. You've seen versions of these characters before but these feels especially unique and heartwearming. The dynamic between the two sisters and the love they share for each other is shown in similar but contrasting ways; one wants to push the other away for her safety, the other wants to reunite for her safety. There's some good messages about true love in here as well depicted with Anna's shortlived engagement with another prince (whose intentions turn to be less then noble). And though Olaf's character seems to be just comic relief based on the previews, his later scenes will melt your heart as well.

Frozen is a beauty from the inside out. The animation is so stunning and involving you feel like you're in the snow with the characters. The movie has great humor with Anna's quirkiness and awkward tendencies to say everything wrong. And Olaf's pluck and joy is pitch perfect comedic relief as well. Frozen even manages to warm the heart with the bond of sisterhood. This isn't a movie with a ton of villians to overcome; it's acceptance with the differences of those that you love. Frozen is magic.

Grade: 4/4

We're the Millers

I wanted to enjoy We're the Millers a lot more then I actually did. There's great effort put here and you can tell the actors had a blast making it as the four playing the family gave it their A game, but sadly We're the Millers falls short due to inconsistent humor and a choppy tone.

David (Jason Sudeikis) is an amateur drug dealer going nowhere. He soon gets a chance from his boss to make bank. All he has to do is sneak across the country and transport back across a ton of weed. In order to avoid suspicion, he forms a "family" to join him, including the sassy stripper; Rose (Jennifer Aniston), sarcastic and homeless; Casey (Emma Roberts), and the shy virgin; Kenny (Will Poulter).

The four give it a valiant effort, but sadly the material they're given to work with isn't up to game. I found the humor to be quite luke-warm overall. Certain scenes are quite hillarious (the charades scene and weed baby battle) but a lot of others just don't measure up, especially when We're the Millers shoots for the shock/gross value (the wife-swapping & crooked cop scenes). They just don't work and it's a shame considering that We're the Millers can be quite hillarious when the humor hits the right note.

The tone is another big problem with We're the Millers. For about 85% percent of the movie, the characters overall couldn't care less about each other and can't seem to stand each other. But as most comedies with sitcom-ish tones go (seriously, all this one needed was a laugh track), it wraps up everything in a nice little package two seconds later but I never bought it. There wasn't a smooth enough transition or middle period as things start getting a bit warmer in attitude. This is one of the many comedies where the strength lies in the harder edged material.

We're the Millers wasn't a terrible movie. The performances are fun to watch and there are quite a few funny moments but sadly there isn't enough of them as We're the Millers doesn't feel like a feature length movie such as an overextended sitcom that tries to do to much at once. This can be admirable in some cases but in this case, We're the Millers just feels like a bumpy ride.

Grade: 2/4

Philomena

Judi Dench is so wonderful as Philomena that not receiving an Oscar nomination for her work would be as big of a screw job as the one her character receives. Dench plays Philomena, a good-natured, Catholic woman with so many questions about the son that was taken away from her by the Catholic church. She's spent 50 years wanting to reunite with her son, and when she meets a journalist named Martin (Steve Coogan) she just might get her chance to get her answers to who her son really is.

One of my favorite things about Philomena is the dynamic between Judi Dench and Steve Coogan's characters. Their dynamic is so perfect, natural, and charming you would swear the two characters (or even the two actors) have known each other forever, I certainly could have watched them forever. It's such a yin yang dynamic with Philomena's purity versus Martin's sarcasm and sting yet the two blend in a way you wouldn't see coming. They couldn't be more different yet their journey to the answers couldn't be more enjoyable. Dench is as stellar as being sweet as Coogan is as being sour.

Philomena's journey is so heartbreaking and involving you'll follow the two characters' path like a roller coaster. What they find out will punch the viewer in the gut yet also will hit your funny bone along the way. Philomena involves all senses in the journey due to the warmth, humor, and sheer fascination I had in her story. Philomena is a knock-out.

Grade: 4/4