Hatchet III

It saddens me how ridiculously terrible continuations like Hatchet III make people forget about how awesome the original Hatchet was in every way. It was hillarious, the performances were full of fun, the characters actually had personalities, the gore looked great and it was actually quite jumpy as well. Movies like Hatchet III should be banned from anything having to do with such a high quality.

There's such little plot here it's impossible to stretch it out. Marybeth (Danielle Harris) thinks that she killed Victor Crowley, of course (due to some inane logic about Victor returning to his former self every night) he isn't dead, ripping through a new group of people in a matter of minutes, it's up to Marybeth to stop him and blah blah blah.

It's hard to say what's the biggest reason is why Hatchet III makes you wish the hatchet would go through your head instead of the characters on screen. Could it be the ridiculously terrible performances? (Even by straight to DVD standards...this shit is beyond belief. Could it be the laughable death scenes and awful makeup (see how Crowley looks in this entry for further proof)? Could it be that there isn't a single scare, laugh, or surprise from beginning to end? Regardless, the scariest part about Hatchet III is the poster where the tagline "This legend never dies".

The very thought of there being a 4th Hatchet entry is far more sinister and terrifying then anything Crowley will ever be able to do with his infamous weapon.

0/4

Stoker

Easily one of the biggest disappointments this year along with Great Gatsby and Oz, it's depressing how much better Stoker really should have been. The previews made it look so intriguing and sinister but in the end I felt like I had watched the slowest running episode of Scooby Doo in existence, that wears its' welcome out long before the grand finale.

Stoker's lack of excellence can't be blamed on the cast though; they're all top notch here. Nicole Kidman, Matthew Goode, and Mia Wasikowska are all giving it their A-game. The trio all know where the creepy is at. If the material they were given had matched the strength all of them are giving with these messed up, fucked up characters, Stoker would have been a knock-out.

One of the biggest problems with Stoker is that it's just lazy. Right off the bat after India Stoker's (Wasikowska) father dies and her uncle (Goode) mysteriously shows up, you know he's up to no good. You know that India's mother Evelyn (Kidman) has the hots for him. You know that by the way India stares at her uncle...that she will eventually have the hots for him. Stoker takes an idea about the deception in one's one family and just sits on it. All of these twists are obvious and you keep waiting for something else to arrive that never does.

Stoker is definitely eye candy, meticulous is easily the word I can think of when describing the visuals. But sadly, I feel that the visuals were emphasized to overcompensate for how empty the movie is (ironically this is the way I felt with Great Gatsby and Oz also). I mentioned before you keep waiting for an actual surprising twist to occur but the truth is, Stoker will leave you waiting for ANYTHING to happen. There's so many chances for a great thrill or exciting climax and you're left holding you're breath for no reason. Stoker is terribly dull.

Throughout the movie, Richard Stoker is mourned by all, but I feel the most deserved mourning should go out to everyone that makes it to the end of Stoker, a beautiful looking yet awfully ditzy disappointment.

1/4

Tyler Perry's Temptation

Temptation is a movie I question on how one would be able to consider it as a serious film. Between the laughable dialogue and over the top drama, unlikeable and ridiculously wooden characters, Temptation has such a ridiculous feel of camp I kept waiting for Madea to pop out and say "Just kidding guys".

What's up? The movie begins with a marriage counselor telling a patient her "sister's" big mistake that she made with a decision to put lust and excitment over true love and stability. Her "sister" is Judith (Jurnee Smollett) a dating therapist who is stuck in a rut. She's not on the career path she would like to be (who could blame her with Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Williams with her terrible French accent as coworkers) and her marriage to Brice (Lance Gross) seems to be stuck in a tedious rut. She soon gets a chance to spice things up with Harley (Robbie Jones), a coveted man who is everything that Brice is not. At first, Judith is appalled by Harley's blunt flirtations with her, but soon can't resist this mystery life, to the dismay of her loving husband and family. Judith soon learns that if something is too good to be true, there's probably good reason.

What's good? It's a shame that such talent is wasted in such a bizzare soap opera like Temptation because minus a few exceptions I felt the cast was pretty strong. Jurnee Smollett will catch and keep your interest as Judith even when she begins to turn to the dark side. Lance Gross does well as Brice as well, effectively gaining sympathy as Judith's betrayal brakes his heart. Robbie Jones does the bad boy role as well and I also enjoyed Brandy as a side character working at Brice's pharmacy, though I really do question what her character's purpose in being in the movie was in the first place.

What the fuck? I feel like Tyler Perry forgot to make any of his characters likeable in this movie. Judith cheats on her husband and breaks away from everything and everyone that she loves for a man she barely knows. Brice forgets about his wife and is written as someone who is to say the least...a bit vacant. And Harley is an asshole. Not to mention Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Williams' characters who honestly make the first three seem like saints. Who gives a shit what happens when everyone is so nasty?

Life and love can definitely be dramatic and trying times, but Temptation takes it to such an extreme level you would swear you were watching a spoof or a children's play. Nothing or no one feels authentic here, it feels like Perry might as well have put in subtitles at certain points, "LOVE CAN SUCK, AND MIGHT MAKE YOU CHEAT, WHICH WILL CLEARLY HURT BUT YOU'LL GET YOUR ASS BEAT" literally. I felt like at times I was watching a public service announcement about the consequences of being unfaithful. It feels silly, most notably being scenes involving the climax, and a an early scene with Judith trying to spice up the sex life in her marriage is flat out painful.

Overall Temptation is a painful, ridiclously overdone try on the difficulties of romance and the negatives of being unfaithful. It tries to eliver a message with all of the subtlety of a hammer while delivering laughable situations and ridiculously unlikeable characters that really make the movie drag. It's not a fun movie to watch, it's certainly not something I would take seriously and it's capable of being forgotten within a matter of days. The most meaningful confession you could hear by the finale is that this movie was created for the sole purpose of sucking up your money.

1/4

Safe Haven

 

I despised just about everything that happened during Safe Haven. It's so awful and wretched you would swear you were watching the devil's valentine's day card. It's so gooey it would melt through your hand.

What's up? Julliane Hough stars as Katie, a woman who has just fleed her abusive relationship, ending up in North Carolina. Things are looking down, but with the help of Alex (Josh Duhamel) and her new neighbor; Jo (Cobie Smulders from How I Met Your Mother) things are starting to look up, which is always a sign that something is bad is coming, such as Katie's boyfriend/husband whatever he was, who isn't done with her just yet.

What's good? I would be greatly lying if I really enjoyed much about Safe Haven at all, but there is a nice last minute twist involving Alex's wife that I actually thought was a bit surprising. If the movie had done more with the twist for the first 15,000 hours of the duration, I might have enjoyed it more. The scenes in North Carolina are beautiful as well, if the movie was 2 minutes long without any dialogue I would recommend it in a heartbeat.

What the fuck? This is one of those movies that is a complete disaster to me, but one of the biggest issues I had is the romance itself.

For one, there isn't a consistent flow to this movie at all. I feel like editing needed to be tightened here. This is one of those movies that makes characters change their actions and motivations within a matter of seconds. For example, when first arriving in North Carolina, Katie can barely stand even looking at Alex, but in the next scene she's making googly eyes at him as if they had been married forever? The leads display 0% chemistry and both share as much excitement in their personalities as a bag.

But then again, it's hard to display a convincing romance with dialogue like this. Safe Haven is one of those movies that throws every romantic cliche at the screen in the hopes that fans will eat it up. I was very unmoved to say the least, everything feels forced and unconvincing, almost like no one was trying to actually make a quality romance.

And for a movie with themes involving murder, spirits, abuse, and domestic violence, Safe Haven plays it as tame as possible it's quite bizzare imagining who this movie was intended for. Those in the single digit ages probably wouldn't be allowed to see it and anyone over 12 would be in a coma by the end. Safe Haven is 115 minutes long but the ideas can be wrapped up on a post it.

Overall Safe Haven just feels incredibly lazy. It does nothing with the story, nothing with the actors, it drags, it lags, the editing feels schizophrenic and the whole thing feels like it was being sold by a bad telemarketer. It's a common belief these days that romance is dead and movies like Safe Haven will never stand up to prove otherwise.

1/4

This is the End

This is The End isn't so much a movie much as it is a feature length skit, providing a chance for the actors to poke fun at themselves the entire time. Luckily, most of this works thanks to balls to the wall, outrageous and often hillarious material used.

What's up? James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Michael Cera, Danny McBride and Craig Robinson play themselves as victims during an apocalypse in Hollywood forced to fend for themselves against the natural disaster, creatures, and sometimes themselves.

What's good? This is the type of movie that would completely fail if the commitment level isn't at 110% due to the ridiculous material but luckily everyone's fair game and at equal expense for a laugh. You really get the sense that all of the actors had a blast making it and most of the time you feel like you're involved in the fun.

For a movie whose focus is mainly on the comedic aspect, This is the End features effects that look like they came from nothing less superior then a Speilberg effort. The look of the movie is outstanding, watching Hollywood break apart looks terribly realistic, and even the monsters and death scenes have an odd touch of authenticity.

This is The End also features some of the funniest scenes I've seen so far this year, mainly thanks to Danny McBride and Craig Robinson. The scenes alone of the decapitated neighbor and the masturbatory battle (I kid you not) are worth giving the movie a watch.

Also to This is the End's credit, just when I was feeling like things were going to fizzle out towards the end, it proved me wrong, proving that commitment was given from beginning to end, it's nearly impossible not to smile with the end musical number/cameo appearance.

What the fuck? I don't have a ton of issues with This is The End but I will say that I feel it could have been shorter. Right before you're reaching the grand finale, the humor starts to hit a drout and I feel some scenes could have been trimmed/cut out a bit.

Overall This is The End is a blast from beginning to end. Granted, a bit of tightening could have made it even stronger but still it's a movie that would never make you feel like the end of the world could feel like such a party.

3/4