Smiley

Technology will be the death of us all but so will generic movies that do nothing with that premise. 

1/4

Killer Joe

When you're strapped for cash and in desperate need for quick money, what's the simple solution to this problem? If your solution is hiring a hitman/cop to kill your mother for her $50,000 that she's worth, then you're in a similar boat as the premise of Killer Joe, the latest entry from the director of The Exorcist and Bug, both highly suspenseful and unforgettable thrillers.

Killer Joe stars Emile Hirsch as Chris, a local broke-ass who needs quick money in order to avoid the wrath of the local loan sharks. He finds a solution with Killer Joe (Matthew McConaughey) whose a cop and also ironically enough, a killer for pay. Chris's mother is worth $50,000 dollars which is just enough to get Chris out of hot water and also be split amongst Chris's father and new wife. So if the murder is successful, everyone gets bank. There is obviously complications, mainly involving Killer Joe's extreme interest in Chris's younger sister Dottie (Juno Temple), who happens to be a few screws loose.

Killer Joe's biggest strength lies in the performances. Emile Hirsch holds his own as the lead and Thomas Hayden Church manages to deliver some comic relief as his clueless father as well. But the entire show is stolen by McConaughey as Killer Joe. Every scene is dominated by his prescence, and every noteworthy scene is one involving him. This could have been quite the hammy and OTT portrayal in the wrong actor's hands, but McConaughey actually manages to keep his delivery quite subtle. He's chilling and menacing without even really having to try.

Killer Joe, unfortunately, does have some enormous problems though. The biggest one is the definitely the tone. It's obvious that the director was shooting for a quite dark, punishing, and grim tone but the execution is problematic. There seems to be a general opinion about being mean and how it's acceptable if it's enjoyable for those viewing it. And that's the problem with Killer Joe, it's nasty and demented, without being any fun. People are beaten to a pulp, killed, and in one especially nasty scene, forced to suck on chicken, but it just feels punishing to watch. It's kind of hard to tell if the director wanted the material to be funny or scary, but a lot of the time, with the exception of the humor provided by Church and the thrills by McConaughey, it just feels like it belongs in neither category. Watching people get the shit knocked out of them isn't really scary or funny. It's just punishing.

Editing is also something I feel Killer Joe could have used a bit more of. The first half of the movie is terribly slow, you keep waiting for something to happen that just won't come. It's build up for something that has potential to be stellar but just isn't. Kind of like a roller coaster with a giant hill that just keeps winding and winding and winding up. It could have used a bit more excitement in the first half because the last half just feels rushed as a result. Add on a completely puzzling ending that will leave more questions then answers, and you have a movie that feels deadly dull when you look back.

1/4

Brave

It's no secret that Pixar is easily one of the most popular and generally well-liked franchises of the 2000's, for good reason I might say. In this case though, with Brave, something feels oddly missing. While most other entries from Pixar captivated the brain, heart, and funny bone, Brave just feels unwilling to really capture any of the three.

Brave is about a girl named Merida (Kelly Macdonald) whose parents are the king and the queen. Merida is someone who wants to do her own thing in life but that goal couldn't be in any larger opposition than the one her mother plans for her. Her mother wants her to find a suitor to marry her so that Merida has someone to take the throne with. After meeting up with a witch in the hopes that something will change her mother's mind about the marriage, Merida finds herself in a drastic situation to save her mother from the unexpected transformation that she has taken on.

One of the strengths of Brave, as with all Disney movies, are the visuals. Absolutely stunning, Brave is a movie that you can definitely tell was created by someone who pays attention to the little details. It's really inspiring in terms from a visual perspective.

What Brave lacks though, is real power. For such a short movie (it clocks in a bit over 90 minutes), Brave has the tendency to drag, especially in the last 30 minutes or so. The pacing is definitely off, and I feel a big reason for this is the story, which doesn't really feel fleshed out enough to carry an audience from beginning to end without checking their watches once or twice. After reflecting on it, not much in Brave really happens, and unfortunately it's certainly not anything I would call hillarious or captivating. It's certainly not a bad movie, but it's disappointing because of how much better it could have and should have been. Brave could have had the strength of a superhero but instead it decides to just lay there and surrender.

2/4

Silent Night

The scene where the old lady ctfd after the killer hands her a few dollars is goals. The whole thing is glorified trash but at least everyone prances instead of wallows through it. 2/4

Ted

Considering Seth MacFarlane's criminally hillarious Family Guy is already pretty uncensored, I was pretty intrigued to see how he would fare with all boundaries being thrown out the window in a feature length movie with all censorship being sent to Hell. It stars Mark Wahlberg as John, an immature pothead with a talking teddy bear named Ted as a best friend a girlfriend named Lori (Mila Kunis) who wants John to grow up and leave his teddy behind. Obvious conflicts occur over what John wants to do for himself as opposed to what Lori wants John to do. Though the movie has the tendency to feel like a stretched 30 min skit and I don't feel that Wahlberg was necessarily the most...humorous as the lead, the material has an undeniable fuck you charm and humor that I enjoyed. Ted has a pretty good balance of nasty, smartass, and pop culture references to give something to people with all different types of sense of humor. Not a bad start for a feature length movie despite the tendency to feel as crammed as a turkey.

2/4

Click

          If you’re going to aim for the gross, at least make sure that it’s funny. If you’re going to go for the heart, at least make the effort feel natural. Failing at both goals will just come off as obnoxious, as presented in Click, a terribly unfunny and ridiculously sappy movie.

Click stars Adam Sandler as Michael, an overworked, overstressed architect who’s quite bored & unhappy with his life. He soon receives an opportunity to change it with a magical remote that has the ability to fast forward, stop, rewind, mute, and slow down the events of his life that he chooses to use them on. At first it seems to be going pretty well as he’s using the remote on trivial things such as muting his boss or using the remote to his favor during sex with his wife Donna (Kate Beckinsale from the Underwold series). After a while though, the remote has a mind of its’ own, coming into play way too often, resulting in Michael watching his own life feel like a matter of seconds as it goes before his very eyes.

                Click is awfully monotonous and flat which is quite surprising considering that though they are rarely amazing, Adam Sandler’s movies are at least somewhat interesting to watch. Click is as interesting as a remote control manual though. There’s nothing you don’t see coming from 10,000 light years away in this movie. Come to think of it, the more I think of it, the more it reminds me of Scrooge actually. With a non-human like factor coming into play to make someone who is unappreciative of their life realize that they shouldn’t be taking it for granted. Except for Scrooge being pretty awesome and Click failing to even hold a candle to it.

                What’s even more offensive about Click is how terribly unfunny the whole thing is. The first half is nothing but bodily functions and cheap sexual jokes that could be invented by any middle schooler, and the second half is just flat-out miserable when Click goes for the heart but just ends up giving you a migraine. It feels so phoned in and contrived that you can almost see the “Lifetime” logo appearing in the corner at some moments. If Click ever comes on your television then run for your remote and hope that it’s magical enough to vaporize the memory of Click from your brain.

0/4

The House Bunny

Anna Faris deserves a best blonde ever Oscar and I said what I said. 

3/4