Martyrs

This movie should spit out a referral for therapy by its' gruesome finale.

3/4

Top Whore-Ers of the 2000's

Much better decade for the genre! So much so, that I am deciding to do a top 5 (or possibly more) depending on the year. Leggo




2000
5. Final Destination
4. Unbreakable
3. Ginger Snaps
2. The Gift
1. American Psycho


Not a bad start up for the decade! A pretty respectable top 5, Final Destination was the start of one of the hugest franchises of the decade, Unbreakable continued the streak of Shamaylan's success, Ginger Snaps has to be one of the best werewolf movies ever, and The Gift is such an underrated joy. But in the end, for sheep depravity and a balls to the walls performance by Christian Bale, I couldn't help but run with American Psycho.










2001
5. Jeepers Creepers
4. May
3. The Others
2. Donnie Darko
1. Frailty


This was such a great year, maybe I'm biased as Fuck and a lot of it was trash but this was the year my parents started letting me see a lot of these movies so screw it. Frailty was a no-brainer for me though, the twist alone gets me every time.








2002
5. Cabin Fever
4. Panic Room
3. Signs
2. The Ring
1. 28 Days Later


This was a stellar year as looking through, I could have easily tacked on another good 5 movies that I was proud to list. 28 Days Later gave invention and life back to a genre that is rather dead (major pun intended) so I can't not vote that one.










2003
5. Wrong Turn
4. Freddy Vs. Jason
3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
2. High Tension
1. House of 1000 Corpses


Another great year! I had such a blast seeing these and many more this year. House of 1000 Corpses was pure nightmare fuel from beginning to end and therefore was my horse to back.








2004
5. Secret Window
4. Saw
3. Open Water
2. Shaun of the Dead
1. Dawn of the Dead


I can't believe the original Saw is 16 fucking years old. Jesus. Another awesome year, but when I think of near perfect remakes, Dawn of the Dead immediately comes to mind.









2005
5. Wolf Creek
4. The Devil's Rejects
3. Hostel
2. War of the Worlds
1. The Descent


How can it not be The Descent? Claustrophobia, paranoia, physical danger, the movie really touched on more than one type of fear and it did it all with such brauva.








2006
5. The Hills Have Eyes
4. Saw III
3. Hatchet
2. Bug
1. Pan's Labyrinth


Probably such a cliched choice but I can't help, Pan's Labyrinth really won me over and similar to The Descent, really touched on several different types of features and did it with such a beauty.






2007
05. The Poughkeepsie Tapes
04. Sweeney Todd
03. Grindhouse
02. Trick R' Treat
01. REC


THIS IS THE YEAR! If I had to guide anyone to a variety of movies based on the year they came out, I'd happily and easily refer them here. There was even a good 5-6 options I left off that I was bummed about. Tough call, but REC
was a 75 min heart attack.



2008
5. The Ruins
4. Eden Lake
3. Midnight Meat Train
2. The Strangers
1. Lake Mungo


Maybe I was a bit spoiled by the previous year, but this one just felt....meh. Lake Mungo, on the contrary to Trick R' Treat, took a genre that I am NOT a huge fan of (the found footage/documentary genre) and really made it feel authentic and chilling all at once, and I'm not just talking about THAT scene




2009
5. Sorority Row
4. Splice
3. Orphan
2. Dead Snow
1. Drag Me To Hell


A pretty fair way to end the decade! A lot of remakes this year, most of which were hits others were....choices. Drag Me To Hell felt like a rollercoaster from beginning to end, inventive, fun, and proof that you can be a boss with a PG-13 rating.

Top dogs *Non horror* : 2000-2009

2000

3. Chicken Run

2. Best In Show

1. Requiem For A Dream 

2001

3. Ghost World

2. Monsters, Inc.

1. Moulin Rouge

2002

3. Gangs of New York

2. About Schmidt

1. Chicago

2003

3. Kill Bill

2. Finding Nemo

1. Thirteen

2004

3. Finding Neverland

2. Eternal Sunshine

1. Million Dollar Baby

2005

3. Brokeback Mountain

2. Crash

1. A History of Violence

2006

3. Notes on a Scandal

2. The Last King of Scotland

1. Little Miss Sunshine

2007

3. No Country for Old Men

2. Eastern Promises

1. Atonement

2008

3. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2. Wall*E

1. Milk

2009

3. Coraline/Precious

2. Up

1. Inglorious Basterds

The House Bunny

Anna Faris deserves a best blonde ever Oscar and I said what I said. 

3/4

The Children

It's not exactly a mystery that children are generally regarded as a big pain in the ass, but The Children depicts this in a whole different way that is rarely seen; children turning on their parents. The Children is an effective horror movie about what happens when your offspring want you to disappear...for real.

Two sets of parents bring their younger children, and one teenage daughter up to the mountains for Christmas vacation. The younger children soon develop flu/cold-like symptoms all at once, and once the sickness kicks in...they'll want a little bit more then chicken noodle soup, turning on their parents and planning their demises the entire way.

One of the best things about The Children is the subtleties. The Children isn't a horror movie with back to back gruesome death scenes (though there are a few of those spread throughout), but what's most frightening about The Children is just the simple idea of it. How would you deal with a child that wanted nothing more than to see your head on a platter? Would you be able to strike them down or would your parental instincts forbid this action in your head? The Children answers these questions and more about the nature of evil children in a very chilling manner.

The Children is a solid horror movie that will capture and keep your attention from beginning to end. Though the idea of evil children (The Omen, Orphan, Wicked Little Things) setting highly unlikely and sometimes preposterous traps (Final Destination) for others to fall victim to, The Children sprinkles some freshness in the plot from beginning to end to avoid a "been there, done that" type of feeling that tends to suck the fun and enjoyment out of most other recent horror movies. And it will make you think twice about procreation after viewing this. What's not to love?

3/4



Mirrors

I really wonder if a single coherent thought goes through people's heads when movies like Mirrors are created. Seriously. Not only it is totally dull, badly acted, written, and contains shitty effects...it doesn't make one bit of sense!

So in Mirrors, a security guard (Kiefer Sutherland) monitors a burned down building that still has a ton of mirrors present. Ok..... So I guess the demon follows him home or something and begins killing everyone around him in order to send the message that the demon wants the girl that it was orginally possessing. If the demon can jump from mirror to mirror, why can't it just go get the girl all by itself? I don't get it. But then again, neither did the director considering THE DEMON USES PUDDLES TO GET PEOPLE. I kid you not. It defies the movie's own stupid logic and goes through puddles. The best is the ending though. The security guard pretty much gets killed and is now stuck in the mirror world. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So if you go to the mirror world after you die, why couldn't someone before him warn him about this shit? The whole movie is so rickety.

The effects and lack of scares are another big problem. Every kill is so cheesy and lame you can smell the computer buttons being pushed a mile away. Nothing looks authentic at all, reducing any chance there is of scares being present. There's one cool death scene with Amy Smart from Rat Race and even that gets a bit...ridiculous. If you've watched one preview, you already know how it's gonna go down. And that part isn't even scary! Nothing in this movie is scary. It's pretty much about killer mirrors hahahahaha. It's just a boring movie with really not much to it. They try and throw in some shitty reasoning as to why the demon is going crazy but it's all just too dumb to really take seriously.

And Kiefer Sutherland is such a bore as the lead. When he's not screaming like he's singing opera he just looks bored out of his mind. Like he's wishing that the mirrors would come kill him sooner so he wouldn't have to be involved in this shit any longer. I feel your pain buddy. And so does anyone else that gets duped into watching this 90 minute toxic piece of trash.

0/4

Prom Night

A Shit show, completely devoid of anything fresh or even remotely scary, yet I can't help but love it for existing

1/4