Rango

If this is the future for animated movies, then I'm deeply concerned. Rango is totally flat and forgettable. It's bizzare and strange without any hint of comedy. It's about 100 minutes yet at times it feels like 100 hours. The story has been done a million times (outcast lies about doing something brave to get props from others) and it's done without any new twists or originality. Which is a shame considering the cast is quite talented and they do what they can in this movie. But not even actors like Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, and Timothy Olyphant can resuscitate a movie that never had a heart, brain, or a pulse to begin with.

2/4

The Mist

Like most creature features, The Mist is a movie that demonstrates that there is something out there worse then a monster hellbent on destroying the world. People. People are a million times worse than any creature could ever be. The Mist is one of the most pessimistic and melancholy movies about the attitude of mankind with survival that I have seen in a while.

Fortunately, The Mist is also one of the best horror movies of 2007. First off, the performances are so much fun. Thomas Jane is perfect as the role of David, a dad that will get his badass on in order to protect those he loves. Marcia Gay Harden is the biggest highlight in the film though, a total showstealer as Mrs. Carmody, a religious fanatic that will sacrifice anyone at the drop of a hat in order to sustain her own life. Also worthy of mentioning is Frances Sternhagen as Irene, an old bitty that's still as wise and sharp as any of the younger victims.

The Mist is great at sustaining tension as well. The best moments in the movie are actually the ones in which very little is happening. Just viewing the hopless looks of terror on the characters' faces as they are aware of what's going on around them is more tense and dramatic then any scene where the monsters are on screen. Even scarier is what these people will do in order to survive. Sacrifice is as present as ever. Really shows how fucked up people are in general. Which is the scariest thing ever.

Unfortunately though, the CGI isn't as strong as the rest of the movie. When the creatures are on screen, many of them take away from the horror in the situations. The CGI is really cheap and lame, it's almost hard to take them seriously as there's really no element of fright with these monsters.

And last, but certainly not least...THE ENDING. Easily one of the biggest downers in recent movie history. I personally loved it. I get sick of seeing every movie end happily. This one sure as fuck doesn't.

The Mist is a solid horror movie that is worth viewing by any horror geek. Just don't expect the words happily ever after to come to mind by the time it's done.

3/4

Final Destination 5

I found this format for the Final Destination series, so I'm stealing it for my review. :B

The movie's tone: For one, this movie is a lot more serious then past entries in the series (looking at you, part 4). When a character dies, it actually feels like a real person just met their demise on screen. Not a moving target like The Final Destination had the tendency to do with the doomed characters. Even though there is a pretty fair amount of humor throughout, I would say the movie is a bit darker then other entries like 3 and 4.

Acting: Like most horror movies, unfortunately I would say that the leads are outshined and out-acted (IDGAF that it's not a word) by their co-stars. No one is jaw-droppingly bad in this movie, but I felt like Nicholas D'Agosoto, Emma Bell, and Miles Fisher had the tendency to take their lines and act them out as if they were acting amongst chongas on a telenovela. It was just too OTT at times. It's unfortunate that some of the stronger performances were by people who were wiped out much sooner (mainly; David Koechner, Arlen Escarpeta, Jacqueline Maclnnes Wood, and Ellen Wroe).

Special effects: These did NOT disappoint at all. The highway accident was filmed to perfection. Every second is so tense and filmed in such a cool way. It really doesn't feel like you're watching a movie during this scene. It feels like you're watching a national disaster unfold in front of your very eyes. All of the deaths are graphic, bloody as fuck, and exactly what any gore fiend is looking for when they watch an entry in the Final Destination series.

The pace: If you're looking for 90 minutes of nonstop murder, I would say you're going to be a bit disappointed. There are many scenes of talking (considering the new rules that are being opened) between each death. Which I actually appreciated in a way. It made the death scenes resonate more and allowed the actors to do more with the material then just scream as something would eventually impale, break, burn, or decapitate them.

Ending: Now this was awesome. Along with the twist of killing someone else to save your own life, the ending also contains a neat surprise which you might not see coming. And even if you do, that won't stop it from impressing you eventually as it unfolds. 

3/4

Black Christmas

Continuing with the general theme of remaking every classic horror movie to hell and back, is Black Christmas, a forgettable, but not terribly shitty horror movie.

As for the plot, there's not a ton of shit going on here. Sorority sisters and their house mother are attacked by a man named Billy who had a really fucked up past (and kinda dumb backstory) in the house. He's pissed. And for reasons unknown to us...he's decided to take it out on all these girls. A problem I have with the story is the explanation behind Billy's kills. Besides being in the same house, you never really get why he's so deadset on killing all these people. This is kinda a spoiler, but I figured it's worth mentioning. Billy is killing everyone with his sister Agnes, and this part of the story makes no sense at all. Agnes was depicted as a normal child. She was attacked by Billy. She probably had feelings of resentment towards Billy (like anyone who was attacked and lost an eyeball during). So why is she helping him? Just kill him. That part was fuckdumb.

As a pure gore lover, I was quite pleased with Black Christmas. All of the kills are gross and bloody as fuck and I loved it. They really waste no time. The first victim is offed less than 5 minutes into the movie. ME LIKEY. :D

The acting...is probably a bit better than expected. Sure, most of the people that make it to the end/around the end screech and scream throughout the entire movie, and yeah...the person who probably gives the best performance is criminally underused and offed too quickly, but no one is terribly shitty in the movie. Just a bit OTT at times. Which is generally expected in movies like this.

Overall, Black Christmas is a decent, run of the mill horror flick. It moves pretty quickly and will satisfy anyone looking to see 90 minutes of pure guts. It's a bit forgettable compared to stronger horror movies and some of the performances are a bit irritating, but you take what you can get with movies like this.

3/4

Bridesmaids

Who is in it? Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, Melissa McCarthy, Wendi McLendon-Covey

What is it about? Annie (played by Kristen Wiig) is a giant ball of mid-life crisis having fuck-up. Guys treat her like shit. Her job sucks. She's jealous of others. You get the point. Her friend Lilian (Maya Rudolph) is getting married and wants her to be involved in the wedding. And from there, shit happens...obviously.

Long story short...this is probably my favorite movie of 2011 so far.

Everything works here. First off, they couldn't have picked a better cast. Kristen Wiig is amazing as Annie. Not one scene is inauthentic or dull with her. She delivers her lines with the utmost intensity and passion. You don't think for one second that she's acting. Her co-stars hold their own as well, especially Melissa McCarthy who almost steals every scene that she's in. The whole cast is full of right pretty much.

As for laughs, you won't find much better movies out there currently. Bridesmaids is hillarious from beginning to end. The scene with Annie trying to get her cop love interest to pull her over might be the funniest thing that I will watch in this disappointing, sad year for movies. The one-liners are incredible as well. Lines like, "Well you're a little cunt" will have you rolling in the aisles. Though a couple scenes could have been edited (like the food poisoning one), I really can't complain about much of the humor in this movie.

As for the length...I hate long movies and at times you feel Bridesmaids' 2+ hour length, it's not exruciating enough to take away the fun from the movie. A bit of editing would have helped in certain scenes towards the end, but at least there's a purpose as to why so much shit has to happen.

3/4

Get Him to the Greek

Movies that exist just to exist most generally suck. There needs to be a purpose in order for success to occur. A great theory of movies is that they should either entertain and/or inform the audience. And here lies the problem; Get Him to the Greek does neither.

Get Him to the Greek is an absolute fail of a movie. First off, it's way too fucking long. Seriously, this shit is 109 minutes and it easily could have been cut off into a half-hour skit on Comedy central. A really big shitty one for that matter. And you feel every second of it. EVERY. FUCKING. SECOND. It's boring. There's no story, substance, or point. Just excuses to put the main characters into contrived situations that are supposed to be hillarious.

It's also a complete fail in terms of comedy. Russell Brand is an absolutely obnoxious, unfunny, one trick pony of a comedian. He's about as subtle as a bullet to the head. Overracting to the point of a spoof is not amusing by any means, it's just ridiculous to watch. Jonah Hill doesn't fare much better. He's stronger as a side character. Unfortunately..he just isn't that funny. The only character that provides laughs in every scene they are in is Sergio, played by a criminally underused Diddy. Everyone else fails.

0/4

Priest

When I first saw the previews for Priest, I thought it was going to suck really hard. I didn't think it would have any redeeming factors and I thought that it was a bit of a rip-off of 10 other movies. After watching Priest, my original prediction was proved to be half-right which is a problem. Priest is pretty much a rip-off of about 10 other movies.

One good thing about Priest is that unlike a lot of other horror movies, it doesn't take itself that seriously. Despite seeming like a movie in which religion and a ton of religious confusing concepts are present in every scene, Priest is actually pretty straight-forward and easy to follow. Which made the A.D.D in me very happy. :) There's very little story in Priest, which is a bittersweet thing in a way.

As for the performances, well for the most part, the main actors (Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet, and Maggie Q) are given very little to do, which is unfortunate....considering I think 2/3 of these are actually quite talented. Paul Bettany grunts all his lines, Maggie Q says everything in the same, montone, worried tone, and Cam Gigandet....I don't even know.

In terms of the horror aspect of Priest, it disappoints most of the time. A scare or two is present, but for the most part Priest doesn't really build up thrills or genuine suspense at all. Everything pretty much just...happens, without really any build-up at all. It's not totally without scares, but it plays as more so of an action movie with a thrill or two as opposed to the horror movie that it is advertised as.

Now for my biggest problem of Priest....literally everything is taken from other movies. Priest is one of the most unoriginal movies I have seen in a while. A scene where the entire city is attacked by the "vampires" looks straight out of 30 Days of Night. The creatures themselves (which I wouldn't even call vampires) look like creations straight out of The Mummy. The evil priest/religious themes come straight from that stupid bullshit, The Rite. Even movies like Sleepy Hollow and Van Helsing come to mind when watching this. Priest commits a vital sin with not having an original idea in its mind.

2/4