Top Whore-Ers of the 2010's

2010
5. The Crazies
4. Insidious
3. Shutter Island
2. Let Me In
1. Black Swan

Great way to start off the decade! It's an easy choice for Black Swan, but Let Me In was beautiful and the other three were batshit nuts as well.

2011
5. Absentia
4. Final Destination 5
3. Scream 4
2. You're Next
1. The Skin I Live In

Finally I'm not choosing the popular choice! The Skin I Live In was brilliant and just gets more demented the more it unravels.

2012
5. Maniac
4. Excision
3. Sinister
2. Frankenweenie
1. Cabin in the Woods

Me putting an animated movie on just for having elements of horror should show you what I think of this year in a nutshell. It couldn't be anything but Cabin in the Woods though.

2013
5. Curse of Chucky
4. Carrie
3. Green Inferno
2. Oculus
1. The Conjuring

As much as they've played out The Conjuring/Nun/Annabelle/Daughter's Niece's sister of Annabelle franchise, The Conjuring was the perfect jump scare movie, a cinematic roller coaster that doesn't ease up.

2014
5. The Guest
4. Housebound
3. The Babadook
2. Starry Eyes
1. It Follows

Can I please just list my top 3 all as one movie? No. Okay then, It Follows wins by a hair. And HM to Zombeavers, shut up, it was hilarious.


2015
5. The Invitation
4. The Final Girls
3. The Blackoat's Daughter
2. Southbound
1. The Witch

Year of the slow burn right? I'd say everything but The Final Girls falls into that category. Despite the super natural elements, I felt that The Witch perfectly demonstrated the greatest and most prevalent form of evil that there is; fucking people.

2016
5. Split
4. Hush
3. Raw
2. Train to Busan
1. The Neon Demon

I kind of love that two of my top 5 are foreign films, and one barely includes any dialogue at all. Language diversity! You should know by now I love rabbit down the hole in the pursuit of success movies and couldn't ride with anything else but The Neon Demon.

2017
05. Anna and the Apocalypse
04. Shape of Water
03. It
02. Get Out
01. The Killing of A Sacred Deer

This was a terrific year! I'll probably expand this into a top 10 once I see a few more things on my watch list. Update on my #1! TKOASD rattled me to the bone unlike no other.

2018

5. Unsane
4. Incident in a Ghostland
3. Terrified
2. Sharp Objects
1. Hereditary

This was a pretty fair year overall, yes I am cheating by putting a mini-series @ number 2, but fuck it, watch that show and tell me it didn't fill you with more dread than just about anything that came out that year. Hereditary was a complete shit show from beginning to end (in the best way possible), and therefore gets my vote.

2019
5. The Perfection
4. Us
3. Ready or Not
2. The Lighthouse
1. Midsommar

I feel like this was the year for return masterpieces as 3 of these films were directed by directors that made recent previous lists. Tough call between my top 3 as one is one of the most fun of the decade and two are some of the most unforgettable. Midsommar grabbed me harder than any feature this year, and for that I tip my hat.

Top dogs *Non Horror*: 2010-2019

2010

3. Toy Story 3

2. The Social Network

1. Blue Valentine

2011

3. Drive

2. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

1. Moneyball

2012

3. Silver Linings Playbook/Zero Dark Thirty

2. Life of Pi

1. Django Unchained

2013

3. About Time

2. The Wolf of Wall Street

1. 12 Years A Slave

2014

3. Gone Girl

2. A Most Violent Year

1. Nightcrawler

2015

3. Room

2. Spotlight

1. Inside Out

2016

3. Arrival

2. La La Land

1. Moonlight

2017

3. Call Me by Your Name/Coco

2. Lady Bird

1. I, Tonya

2018

3. A Simple Favor

2. BlacKkKlansman

1. Eighth Grade

2019

3. Booksmart

2. Knives Out

1. Joker

Blue Valentine

A beautiful, heartbreaking film about the ending of a marriage with unforgettable performances by Ryan Gosling & Michelle Williams.

4/4

Primal

These days I'm convinced that climbing Mount Rushmore is accomplished with less trouble than making a horror movie that keeps my interest from beginning to end. Failing to provide the goods, is Primal, a horror movie which really should stayed in the stone age and never came to this one.

Primal is about six friends on a camping journey in the wildnerness. When one of them falls sick after skinny dipping with leeches, the other five panic as her condition goes from worst to monster-worthy. She begins her "illness" by bleeding and ends it when she's completely deformed and hungry for anything with a pulse. She attacks, which then brings up the question of whether or not the others can kill a friend or not. Most of them seem to get on board, but others (mainly the boyfriend), are a bit less for the idea.

Primal unfortunately provides very little of merit, but I guess one thing I would consider satisfactory is the makeup. The creatures actually look really swell and I was impressed that that the monster/cavemen creatures weren't styled as shabbily as most movies of the genre tend to look. Granted, this is probably one of the few things I enjoyed about this movie, but still, could be worse I guess.

Now for the dreadful; and there's a bundle of problems worthy of being mentioned. All of the characters are ridiculously unlikeable. They behave in such stupid and barbaric ways it's hard to imagine there's something less intelligent running around. All five of them could have been killed at once and it would have been easy to not give a shit at all. The movie just feels routine and bland at all, created without any sense of fun or fright. Add in a routine finale and a movie that leaves you with more questions than answers, and you have something that is as substantial as a movie that was made by cavemen for the cavemen.

1/4



A Nightmare on Elm Street

In general, I feel like people shit all over remakes just for the simple fact that they're remakes. If one is exactly the same as the original, it gets beat to death as being pointless and repetitive (The Omen). If one makes some pretty big changes or any differences in the story...then it just gets labeled as silly or overcomplicated (Halloween). When watching a remake, I try to put the original out of my mind when critiquing the newer version. Obviously, try is the big word, considering comparisons of the two are quite unavoidable, but I digress. I actually enjoyed this version of Nightmare on Elm Street mainly because it was as Goldilocks would say..."Just right" in the middle of the two worlds. It didn't strictly copy the original's format nor did it make 135038493489358934839 changes just to strive to be different.

Anyone who has ever seen any horror movie pretty much already knows the basic plotline of Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley) is burned to the ground by parents on Elm Street whose children were murdered by Freddy. He comes back (like they all do) and begins to murder all of the teenagers who live on Elm Street...in their dreams. Most noticeable of those teenagers being Kris (Katie Cassidy from Black Christmas) and Nancy (Rooney Mara from Girl with the Dragon Tattoo).

I was impressed by the little surprises in NOES (because I'm too lazy to keep writing out the full title). The main one, being the order of the characters' deaths. Without giving away too much, one character who we fully expect to be the lead and make it through the end...dies in their second scene, while another character who we imagined would be a co-star...turns out to be the hero/heroine of the movie after all. It's pretty refreshing when you can't guess a movie's death order right after viewing the characters for the first time. Easily some kudos to the writers is owed right there.

NOES actually manages to be quite scary at times as well. Some of the cat and mouse scenes with Freddy chasing around the teenagers in their dreams still feel as inventive and fun to watch as were the scenes in the original NOES. And also, the new version of NOES doesn't splatter gore across the screen at every given opportunity. Like an animal, NOES strives to achieve its' goal through the hunt as opposed to just focusing on the kill alone.

The acting is actually pretty impressive as well. Generally I don't expect many strong performances in these types of movies, but this one actually proves to be an exception. Or maybe my standards are just super low after watching billions of Syfy channel movies where the actors would be deemed as competent if they knew when to scream on cue. Ehh, either way...NOES isn't a total embarassment to watch in terms of performances, and the leads (mainly Rooney <3) do the original characters proud. NOES actually is a pretty solid remake on a flawless original in my opinion. Just please....DON'T MAKE ANY MORE SEQUELS TO THIS. That would be a bigger dreamkiller than Freddy for fuck's sake.

3/4

30 Days of Night: Dark Days

Picking off right off from where the original ended, the sequel Dark Days follows Stella's life after the 30 days of terror and bloodshed that occurred in Alaska. She seems hateful of everything without a pulse or a tan but doesn't really do anything about it (excluding a scene where she fries one or two of them in her presentation to shut up those who are skeptical). Luckily for her, three people and a vampire not dedicated to killing everything in sight want to eliminate as many vampires off the earth, especially their queen; Lilith.

The negatives: One big problem I had with this was the replacement actress of Stella. Kiele Sanchez isn't necessarily a bad performer in this movie, but the whole time I was just wondering, "Fuck, where the hell was Melissa George when this movie was going down?". She's just really bland as the lead. There's nothing captivating or even that relatable about her character hin this movie. All we know about her is that she's mad about vampires killing everyone she loves and that she misses her husband Eben; who melted away in her arms in the original. Logic is also missing in action as well. Early on, Stella fries a few vampires with these really powerful lights. Yet the four people (the vampire stays home) go into Stella's hiding place with guns. Why the fuck are they not just going in their with tons of lights? Or fire? And they choose the worst times to go hunt. There's at least 2-3 scenes where they're out and about at night. Isn't that the worst time to go out? And another thing...a few scenes indicate that the vampires have psychic abilities (how else would they know where the humans are at all times?), so why didn't this whole war just...end quicker? The ending is a big downer as well. You know exactly who is going to die and in what order. So when they do die in that mentioned order you just wonder...what took so long? The ending is really disappointing and predictable. It feels so rushed and bland. There's not even a big fight scene with Lilith and Stella, it's just a quick kill that's so vaguely similar to a scene in The Descent. And the last two minutes just doesn't make any sense at all. How can you bring back a husband that disintegrated in front of you? It's as if the first movie just didn't exist.

I know it sounds like the movie is totally without merit, but there are a few positives as well. Everyone but Kiele Sanchez is pretty solid in their roles, especially Rhys Coiro and Diora Baird as two of the other vampires. Even though Mia Kirshner doesn't get many lines as the queen Lilith, she even manages to convey a sense of dread, terror, and odd sexual appeal whenever she's on screen. Also, Dark Days did manage to make some wise choices as to what worked in the original. They kept the look of the vampires the same which was easily one of the creepiest parts of the original. And the death scenes are pretty neat. Easy to say that they didn't let down in the gore category as well. And even though the story won't be winning any oscars and you've probably seen a million movies with a similar idea, Dark Days at least moves along at a fairly brisk 92 minute length, which is much appreciated considering how boring movies tend to get after they hit the triple digit length.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days isn't a masterpiece by any means. It's nothing really special or memorable compared to the millions of horror movies that are similar and even released at the exact same time. But for filler fun, it gets the job even if the odds are that you won't remember it a day later. Just don't expect a ton of logic or a strong narrative. Otherwise you will be envious of those getting the blood sucked out of them on screen.

2/4

Chain Letter

Chain letters are bad. Chain letters can kill. If you don't forward one then you deserve to be murdered by a guy with chains considering you gave up your right to privacy by using all this technology shit. Yes, I'm not even kidding, this is the motto to Chain Letter, a tedious, waste of an opportunity with a strange as fuck message to boot.

Chain Letter starts off with some promise. Actually, the best scene happens first which actually was pretty smart in getting audiences interested before showing them about 2 awesome minutes before 94 awesome ones. A girl is dragged by her parents' cars because she is attatched to (you guessed it, CHAINS!), after a certain point...she is led into traffic. Coolness. :D

Chain Letter actually has an interesting premise. An annoying hassle that everyone generally ignores could lead to deciding if you will live or die. Kinda ironic in a way actually. The problem is that Chain Letter goes about with this idea all wrong. It doesn't make much sense at all. So *Spoiler Alert* you find out that the killer is a soldier that had bad experiences in the war as a result due to technology. Ummm, okay. Not only was it not a supernatural entity like I was hoping the movie would be about, but it's about some random fuck that you never even get to see anyways. His motives just become really unclear. You never find out what these particular teens did (besides all being boring as fuck, I can literally count the things I remember them saying on one hand) to deserve these chainful deaths. And another question, if everyone was to continue forwarding the letter, what would he do then? Go to a lazier community? And another thing, at one point, someone who actually forwarded the chain letter is attacked by the soldier from his roof. What da fuck? Was he waiting up there all day? Stupid.

As for the bloodshed (one of the few redeeming factors of this movie), I would be lying if I didn't say it was kinda awesome. Characters are ripped apart faster then you can say "Oh shitfuck". Every death is bloody, brutal, and in some cases...actually a bit surprising. My favorite would be the one mentioned earlier, and the guy in the gym. Those were the most brutal which automatically makes them love in my book. Unfortunately though, despite these gruesome and appealing scenes, Chain Letter is never really that scary. There's no substance to this. It's like taking 5 pounds of sugar, putting it on bread and calling it a movie. The entire thing is pretty much like this. Kill scene, talking, looking at computer, kill, kill, kill, END! There's never any tension or real build-up here. You don't even see the main character (who turns out to be the girl from the first), have a fight with the killer. He just gets her and...that's it.

As for the performances, overall they're actually not that bad. Not one link is terribly amazing, but some actually hold their own pretty well, especially Nikki Reed (whose still responsible for one of my favorite movies ever) and Michael J. Pagan.

So overall, Chain Letter isn't the epic failure it could have been, but it is pretty lackluster. Missed opportunities, lack of logic, and a lack of genuine thrills sink the boat despite some awesome killings, a decent premise, and some decent acting. Can't wait for the movie about the killer party invitation to be the sequel. Lezz go.

1/4

Paranormal Activity 2

I'll say it. Paranormal Activity is one of the most overrated franchises of the decade. I feel like so much of the praise that goes to these movies is based solely on the idea of it being "different" and lacking in just about any type of gore or blood. I'll take 90 minutes of people getting ripped apart any time over this new type of "documentary" type horror. Paranormal Activity 2 is dull as fuck.

I'm all for a good scary movie about ghosts that doesn't need to use gore to get the point across. Hell, "The Others" is one of my favorite horror movies of all time and I can't recall a single drop of blood being shed. The problem is that PA2 is all style, no substance. The novelty wears off thin and after a while you realize...this is all you're getting. Call me a hater, but once you've seen something move on camera...it gets old. Paranormal Activity 2 is literally nothing but slamming doors and camera shots of pure nothingness.

Besides the dull pace and lack of thrills, this movie is totally unbelievable in terms of performances and characters. All of the acting is totally ridiculous, hammy, and as a result...just makes the entire movie even harder to take seriously. And the characters are fucking retarded. I have no sympathy or interest in people themselves to become their ghosts' bitches without even doing shit in return. If shit breaks or is moved constantly in your house.....GET THE FUCK OUT. Stupid.

Paranormal Activity 2 is a tedious, poorly-acted and directed piece of pretentious trash. Nothing happens. Frights are M.I.A. People are dumb and totally get what's coming to them. The performances are lame. And the 100 minute length feels like it will take 100 years to end. Cheers to part three.

0/4

Get Him to the Greek

Movies that exist just to exist most generally suck. There needs to be a purpose in order for success to occur. A great theory of movies is that they should either entertain and/or inform the audience. And here lies the problem; Get Him to the Greek does neither.

Get Him to the Greek is an absolute fail of a movie. First off, it's way too fucking long. Seriously, this shit is 109 minutes and it easily could have been cut off into a half-hour skit on Comedy central. A really big shitty one for that matter. And you feel every second of it. EVERY. FUCKING. SECOND. It's boring. There's no story, substance, or point. Just excuses to put the main characters into contrived situations that are supposed to be hillarious.

It's also a complete fail in terms of comedy. Russell Brand is an absolutely obnoxious, unfunny, one trick pony of a comedian. He's about as subtle as a bullet to the head. Overracting to the point of a spoof is not amusing by any means, it's just ridiculous to watch. Jonah Hill doesn't fare much better. He's stronger as a side character. Unfortunately..he just isn't that funny. The only character that provides laughs in every scene they are in is Sergio, played by a criminally underused Diddy. Everyone else fails.

0/4

My Soul to Take

If I didn't just view (more than once, actually) and enjoy Scream 4, I would really start to question where Wes Craven's head is at. My Soul to Take is a terrible movie, not only a giant step down for horror movies, but a giant step down for Wes Craven as well. No one leaves unscathed from this piece of shit.

My Soul to Take starts off with a bit of promise, introducing the idea of a killer with multiple personality disorder who apparently...can put his spirit into anyone else after he is murdered. Yeah, I didn't say it was an original idea...just a neat one. From there, My Soul to Take begins to go down the drain.

One big problem (of the several going on) with MSTT is that it just doesn't make any sense at all. You never really find out why these teenagers are being killed, or how the killer even managed to get into someone else's body in the first place. What made this killer so special? What is the point of killing all of Bug's friends? Why did the killer have to wait 16 years to make his move? Do we really even care?

My Soul to Take just isn't scary at all. There's no sense of urgency or tension at all. About half the cast is killed about two scenes after you are introduced to them (which is good, considering that none of them with the possible exclusion of Zena Grey leave any impression and would be labeled as too amateurish for the Disney channel). After these murders (which aren't scary or frightening at all, just gross and stupid) occur, you're left with a lot of down time....where absolutely nothing happens.

Once you find out who the killer is, you're just left with a big, "That's it?". The motivation behind the killings isn't there, and neither is the logic behind how the killer's soul arrived into this person's body. This is an ending that was created just to have an ending. No fucking point.

 Seriously, this isn't even a movie at all. It's a 90 minute time killer with a few bloody kills thrown in the mix. My Soul to Take is a lazy, tedious, poorly written and acted piece of amateurish bullshit that never should have been made.

0/4

Piranha 3D

When I first saw the trailers for Piranha, I was actually pretty excited. I knew it would be dumb as fuck, but was hoping that it was going to have frights and humor as well. Unfortunately, I was wrong about this. Piranha really isn't that scary, nor is it really funny.

The biggest problem with Piranha is that it's just so half-assed in everything it does. The death scenes are graphic, but minus the big attack scene (which is probably one of my favorite death scenes in a horror movie since Ghost Ship), the demises of these characters just feels awfully tame. Once you've seen one person get eaten by a piranha (with some really cheesy special effects), you've seen them all.

There's very little humor in Piranha as well. I feel like there was some good comedic material behind the premise of piranhas devouring horny teenagers on Spring Break, but the movie is just too lazy to discover this material. Instead, you're left feeling really bored and underwhelmed especially in the level of comedy. Except for maybe Jerry O' Connell's death scene, that was kinda funny.

I was actually pretty surprised of how dull Piranha was. The first half is literally nothing but tits (though Kelly Brook is a babe, probably one of the things closest to being a highlight) and talking (with nothing really interesting being said). It's just total filler and a giant waste of half the movie. Piranha could have been a 20 minute Scifi channel movie based on how thin the narrative is played out.

Piranha is a big disappointment even for trashy horror movies. It's too stupid to really be funny, it's too dull to be scary, and there's just nothing memorable enough to even make this movie stand-out amongst all the other shitty movies in this genre. Just keep swimming, swimming...away from this bullshit.

1/4