Fantasy Island

So, I mean we all knew this was gonna be a clusterfuck right? It delivers there at least. Whereas other terrible horror movies are awful while simultaneously taking themselves too seriously, this one at least has the sense to have the actors and screenplay dancing as the Titanic goes down. But in all seriousness, it's a mess. There's way too much going on, the jerky structure has the viewer leaping from one character's fantasy to the next before really getting a reason to care. Add on a conclusion that poorly blends hidden malice along with the supernatural, and you end up with an island that feels like a getaway from satisfaction. 

1/4

Friend Request

           Ugh. What did we do in a past life to receive such a constant shipping of stale, uninspired horror movies? Like a good amount of media in recent times, Friend Request markets itself as movie dipped in the horrors of social media. But unfortunately, the execution here feels so half-assed and distant it's as if we're reporting on a pool of a story by sticking our toes in. Or even walking by a deadly animal in the zoo and hoping it explains why it's so deadly. The recent film "Unfriended" also had themes of evils on social media coming to bite us in the spirit form, but at least that movie gave us something to chew on in terms of the way we can treat people when we are in front of a screen and how those actions can bite back, or in this case kill back. The most fucking frightening thing that happens here in the social media scenes is being unable to delete the "antagonist" after she commits suicide due to the way the "protagonist" and her friends treat her and begins to stalk them. And I use quotes around the words protagonist and antagonist for good reason; who the fuck are we supposed to be rooting for, or even against in this movie? Are we on the side of the bland villain, contradicting olden horror movie days when we were supposed to be against the big baddie? Are we on the side of the even blander protagonist and all of her friends? Who all happen to look about 15 years too old to register as young college students. That's the issue here, there's really no perspective or insight here into the horrors of which side we are on, which makes the even more stock loud noises, bangs, and poorly visualized evil faces as the antagonist comes after the protagonist and company more of a nuisance then anything. You know what's an even more daunting part of social media than friend requests? This movie's process of searching and searching for a point to it all and having your search engine say "Sorry not found".

1/4

Finding Dory

It was a lovely trip,  but after finding her, I question how necessary her journey was.

3/4

The Forest

Starts out strong but eventually the story loses its' trail and ends up circling the trees. 

2/4

The Final Girls

This one took me by surprise. The term "Jack of all trades" seems to used with mild distain but for a movie to achieve success in several different genres I think it something to be admired. What I love most about this movie is underneath all the killings & 80's comedy schtick is that this really is the story of a daughter getting over the loss of her mother. And it's great, Taissa Farmiga & Malin Akerman have such a natural chemistry it's heartbreaking when you realize the direction the movie is going in. And it's rare that a movie's two best scenes both involve strip teases for two very different reasons (seriously if your eyes aren't watery by the second one, you're a monster). Easily one of the most underrated horror movies of the year.

3/4

For a Good Time, Call...

At times, it's as messy as the phone sex line, but the lead actresses' natural charm makes it an overall sticky sweet affair.

3/4

Foxcatcher

It's a cold turkey of a movie that never gives you a reason to care despite the terrific trio.

2/4

Fifty Shades of Grey

Beat me. Considering the hot mess that the novel is, the movie really should have been a lot worse then it was.

One of the movie's biggest strengths in the early scenes is its sense of restraint. There's restraint watching Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) that's apparent through the performances and the script. The scenes of the characters using their words to entice the other are far more sexually appealing then later scenes when the clothes come off. 

I've read complaints that the actors lack chemistry but in a way I feel like that works here. These two characters are far from a match made in Heaven so the restraint feels genuine as you're watching two people lose control; whether it be in a physical way from her, or on a mental way from him.

It's a shame that once the action starts, the fun stops. I can't imagine anyone finding these sex scenes appealing as everything comes off so ridiculously forced and contrived you would swear you're watching a production as opposed to anything feeling genuine. The later scenes also struggle with really advancing the characters, as their developments seem to drive in circles, making the conflicts feel stilted and repetitive. Still, there is something about this franchise that leaves me wanting more.

2/4

From Dusk Till Dawn

It's a terribly selfish movie, looks like it was a blast to make but the audience is completely screwed out of the fun.

0/4

Fruitvale Station

Feels so meticulously authentic you feel like you're in the real Oscar Grant's shoes. And Michael Jordan, Octavia Spencer, and Melonie Diaz will break your heart. 

3/4

Frozen

Just when I was starting to worry about Disney's success and the overall quality of this year's animated features, along comes Frozen, a complete knock out from beginning to end.

Anna (Kristen Bell) and Elsa (Idina Menzel) are as close as two sisters can be. That is until Elsa's power to freeze everything accidentally hurts her sister. She locks herself away from her sister for years, only to be seen by her sister during Elsa's ceremony of becoming queen. After panicking and causing more destruction, Elsa takes off to the mountains, locking out everyone and inadvertently causes her town to become a permanent Winter wonderland. Anna is determined to reunite with her sister and get her to break the icy conditions with the help of Kristoff (Jonathan Groff), his reindeer, and a jolly snowman named Olaf (Josh Gad) whose biggest dream in life is to experience the Summertime.

The music in Frozen is so catchy and wonderful it's one of the few movies with a soundtrack I would listen to from beginning to end. Every character gets a chance to belt it out, some noteworthy voices include Kristen Bell's and Josh Gad's. But the real knockout performer is Idina Menzel as Elsa who really knocks it out of the park with "Let it Go", the movie's peak of songs. It really represents everything Frozen is about and it's the music the academy should be taking notes on.

I really enjoyed all of the characters and their dynamics as well. You've seen versions of these characters before but these feels especially unique and heartwearming. The dynamic between the two sisters and the love they share for each other is shown in similar but contrasting ways; one wants to push the other away for her safety, the other wants to reunite for her safety. There's some good messages about true love in here as well depicted with Anna's shortlived engagement with another prince (whose intentions turn to be less then noble). And though Olaf's character seems to be just comic relief based on the previews, his later scenes will melt your heart as well.

Frozen is a beauty from the inside out. The animation is so stunning and involving you feel like you're in the snow with the characters. The movie has great humor with Anna's quirkiness and awkward tendencies to say everything wrong. And Olaf's pluck and joy is pitch perfect comedic relief as well. Frozen even manages to warm the heart with the bond of sisterhood. This isn't a movie with a ton of villians to overcome; it's acceptance with the differences of those that you love. Frozen is magic.

Grade: 4/4

Fright Night 2: New Blood

I was hoping for trashy fun and all I got was a pain in the neck. Will Payne stars as Charley Brewster, an unlikable, obnoxious and bland lead that suspects his teacher Gerri Dandridge (Jaime Murray) is a vampire. Yes, this is one of those movies where no one believes the main character despite the obvious signs. This is one of those movies where the performances feel as if the actors were casted off the street, along with the writers, editors, and most certainly anyone involved in the makeup or visual effects. Bloodless indeed.

0/4

Flight

It's rare that a movie ends as strong as it begins, but Flight manages to soar at a constant level from beginning to end. It will make you think and resonate in your memory long after the credits roll. Flight is a masterpiece and is easily one of my favorite movies of 2012.

Denzel Washington stars as Whip Whitaker, a cocky, boozing, drugged out flight attendant who parties like a rockstar. It's rare that such a seemingly unlikeable persona is played with such charm but Denzel manages to nail it. His character should be unlikeable, but Denzel knows how to bring the relatibility.

Whip Whitaker shows up drunk and drugged out the morning of a flight. Due to technical complications with the plane, it crashes, in an especially terrifying and pulse-pounding. Everyone should be dead. But Whip's skill behind the cockpit saves all but six out of the 100 and something lives on the plane. Whitaker is looked at as a hero by most, but a villian by others. Someone has to pay for those deaths, and after a recent drug test, all of the fingers are pointed directly at Whip.

Every performance in Flight is absolute top notch. Washington knocks it out of the park as Whip. Kelly Reilly brings soul to Whip's addict of a girlfriend later on in the movie. Don Cheadle and John Goodman provide some comic relief to the story as Whip's lawyer and drug dealer. Even those that don't have many scenes such as Nadine Velazquez as one of Whip's earlier flings and Melissa Leo as the lead investigator in Whip's crash leave impressions.

Flight also manages to captivate your interest from beginning to end. It's not the shortest movie and I had my doubts about my interest starting to fade, but Flight never drags. Even when the movie isn't steering towards the ground (literally), there's enough going on to keep you going. Though the movie isn't really a thriller/horror like some of the earlier previews and descriptions seemed to lean towards, I still never felt Flight had a dull moment.

Flight will leave your mind active long after it's the credits roll. Was the accident Whip's fault due to his numerous harmful addictions? Was it just bad luck that he was tipsy when things decided to break down? Or was it just a really shitty coincidence? Flight explores all of these options and never really provides a direct answer, leading you to form your own theories about who or what is to blame for the accident. Flight smashes into the brain, heart, even the funny bone as well. Get on board and prepare for one hell of a ride.

4/4

Frankenweenie

I feel like I've read many comments about Tim Burton slipping over the last few years with his most recent projects. Frankenweenie is presented to give a big middle finger to all the disbelievers. This is easily Burton's best project in years and it's easily one of my favorite movies of 2012.

Victor Frankenstein is a young, lonely scientist whose only friend in the world is his dog Sparky. After an accident results in Sparky's death, Victor is heartbroken and lonelier then ever. That is, until a recent experiment from his science teacher demonstrates that sometimes there is a way to bring the dead back to life. Once Victor's attempt is successful, Sparky is back to life, and chaos ensues as a result of others in the town desiring to recreate the same experiment.

Frankenweenie is such a beautiful picture, it has elements that will make you feel like you're viewing a dream and a nightmare all at once. That's part of Tim Burton's skill, even in the doom and gloomy situations, there's still a beautiful element that makes the eye dance (see Sleepy Hollow for further questions). The stop motion animations looks incredible and it helps Frankenweenie create a world unlike many other animated films.

Frankenweenie also manages to bring the humor and emotion. Many scenes are laced with charm and laughs, from Victor's creepy friend, to the terror that results in the failed experiments in the climax, to the wide-eyed girl with her equally wide-eyed cat. But when it needs to be, Frankenweenie packs an emotional punch. Losing a loved one whether they were human or four-legged will always sting and the possibility of bringing them back is a common thought. Frankenweenie deals with this in the best way possible. Whoever thought a movie about the dead would pack so much of a brain, heart, funny bone, and soul?

4/4

Forget Me Not

If Forget Me Not was an essay, it would be one with some pretty good body paragraphs and a rather disappointing conclusion and flimsy beginning. Shame that it had so much potential but unfortunately Forget Me Not just doesn't really know how to start or end with power.

Forget Me Not is all about Sandy (Carly Schroeder from Mean Creek) and her friends enjoying their time on graduation weekend. They should be having a blast, but after an odd encounter with an unidentified girl while playing the game "Forget Me Not" (which pretty much just looks like Hide and Seek in a graveyard), things begin to go wrong. It's up to Sandy to find out why this is happening and how to stop it before her and all of her friends are completely forgotten.

My favorite thing about this movie is easily what happens after each person is killed; the memory of them is totally erased. It's a pretty inventive idea that actually hasn't been done to death which is a rarity in basic slashers such as this one. Not only is it creepy based merely on the idea of totally losing any type of memory of your friend after they're gone, but it also adds an extra layer of mystery about Sandy when her friends start disappearing. It makes you wonder if everything is at is seems or if there's something going on with her that's being saved for the grand conclusion.

For a low budget horror movie, the effects were pretty decent as well. I loved how the ghosts would show up on the scene and the most recently murdered friend would join them. So by the end of the movie, the main characters are being chased by their entire clan....who they pretty much have no memories of. Weird. The death scenes aren't out of this world amazing, but at least it's not like most other horror movies where everyone just gets stabbed or ripped apart; everyone dies in completely different ways, and I'd be lying if I said that the death scenes involving an open grave and a wood chipper didn't bring a smile to my face.

Now for the bad....the beginning scenes are absolutely painful to endure. I've never met anyone in my life that speaks as ridiculously asinine as the characters in this movie do. It's so ridiculously contrived you would swear that some parts of this movie were written by someone with the attitude of a 60 year-old on how the youngsters communicate. 4 minutes in, and I couldn't wait for the death scenes to start happening just to get the characters to stop talking. It's quite odd how the performances get stronger as the circumstances get less and less realistic. You would think acting like a partying teenager would be easier than acting like a teenager getting chased around by a recluse ghost who makes your entire memory fade away.

As for the ending, I was pretty disappointed as well. Towards the climax, several ideas popped into my head about what I thought/was hoping the big twist would be (because you know there's going to be one...come on). Sadly enough, none of these ideas happened on screen. The final scenes feel so choppy, rushed, forced, and nonsensical (even by this movie's logic...shit doesn't add up), you would almost swear that this was the ending to a completely different horror movie and not the one that started building promise after the initial painful and stiff opening scenes. Just do yourself a favor, turn off the movie around the point the remaining characters head to the convent/hospital and we can forget the rest of it ever happened. :)

2/4



Friday the 13th

I'm probably going to movie review hell for saying this but IDGAF....Friday the 13th was actually a pretty good remake. Sure it's nothing but Jason killing horny, drunken, druggie teenagers for 90 minutes, but it's not like the original was anything different so I won't knock this version down for dumbing down the original.

In this Friday the 13th, we actually get to watch Jason plow through two groups of teenager. In the first 30 minutes, Jason demolishes a group of teens (my favorite death was the one with the sleeping bag), and saves one of them named Whitney (Amanda Righetti), because of her strong resemblance to his mother. He keeps her as his pet in his dungeon/home? type of deal. Soon after, her brother Clay (Jared Padalecki) runs into a new group of teens while looking for Whitney. As expected, it's not long before this group is meeting their end at any sharp object within Jason's grasp.

People don't go to Friday the 13th for an intriguing plot, Oscar-worthy performances, or a grand twist they didn't see coming. They go to see tits, blood, and the occasional good one-liner thrown in between each kill. And overall, I would say that this one delivers each of those. There's tons of nudity and sex (Julliana Guill gets a large opportunity to show off her well...largeness). Willa Ford also gets a nice chance to show off her assets as well, despite being in the movie for as long as her singing career lasted. A lot of the kills are pretty neat as well. The death scenes involving a sleeping bag, a bow and arrow, and a machete through the head were easily the best. Hell, there's even a death at the end that I didn't really see coming. As for humor, I would say it has some of that as well, thanks mainly to the token stoner and black guy.

As for the negatives...my main one is that everything has the the tendency to be too dark and/or fast. Michael Bay and Marcus Nispel (who created the very music video-ish Texas Chainsaw Massacre) have the tendency to film everything like you're in a windtunnel. Tons of shit is flying in front of your face but you couldn't be any more clueless as to what's going on. Another is in the structure of the film. I much preferred the first group of people that dies in the first half hour to the second group that takes up the rest of the movie. It just seems a bit pointless and tedious to me to kill a whole group of teens after setting them up for it....only to do the exact same thing over again. Repetition in a 90 minute movie isn't cute.

Overall, Friday the 13th gets the job done. Skin is shown, skin is impaled, things are smoked, liquids are consumed, and brain cells are on vacation. Which is exactly what's expected when watching a movie like Friday the 13th. Let's just hope that this one is the last Jason remake and no one comes up with the bright idea of Saturday the 14th for a sequel.

3/4

Fright Night

There's generally two giant problems with remakes these days. They either stick so closely to the original format that there's really no point in seeing a remake for $20 when you can see the original for cheaper. OR! They try and make a bunch of changes to appear as original or inventive. Fright Night actually shoots for both. And it fails miserably at both.

One of the biggest problems with Fright Night, is that some of the touches in the original that made it so great are totally fucked to the ground here. First off, Peter Vincent (in an incredibly OTT performance by David Vincent)...is a Las Vegas magician. Why? I don't know. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. His character comes off as obnoxious when in the original...he was pretty fun to watch. Charley and Evil Ed's characters are fucked with as well. Charley's an asshole so you don't really give a shit what happens to him. Evil Ed is just obnoxious, you don't care when he gets killed, and all of the sadness in the original when Evil Ed is killed...is gone here. You can't wait for him to die. And as for Jerry...we'll get to him in a minute.

The performances are a huge problem as well. Anton Yelchin comes off as bland and one-note from beginning to end. Christopher Mintz-Plasse is criminally underused and is given very little to work with at all. The worst performance is easily Colin Farrell though as Jerry. All of the subtle sexuality and fear within Jerry's character is totally M.I.A here. Colin overracts to a ridiculous extent. His scenes don't come off as scary or sexy at all. Those who try hardest generally fall the hardest. And that's his problem. He forces terror and sexual appeal on the audience so much that his entire performance comes off as camp.

Laughs and thrills are generally missing as well. The writing comes off as amateurish and tedious. Nothing is funny or even clever at all. It's a very "been there, done that" type of movie. References to other movies are made that might have been funny about...10 years ago. Now it's just stale. For a movie about a vampire killing everyone in town, Fright Night comes off as awfully boring and unscary as well. Very little happens in the movie when you think about it. In fact, I would say about 90% of the movie is pretentious build-up to shit that just doesn't have any sort of fright in it. It's a sad day when you wished you had stayed home and did nothing over viewing such a terrible, worthless movie.

0/4

Final Destination 5

I found this format for the Final Destination series, so I'm stealing it for my review. :B

The movie's tone: For one, this movie is a lot more serious then past entries in the series (looking at you, part 4). When a character dies, it actually feels like a real person just met their demise on screen. Not a moving target like The Final Destination had the tendency to do with the doomed characters. Even though there is a pretty fair amount of humor throughout, I would say the movie is a bit darker then other entries like 3 and 4.

Acting: Like most horror movies, unfortunately I would say that the leads are outshined and out-acted (IDGAF that it's not a word) by their co-stars. No one is jaw-droppingly bad in this movie, but I felt like Nicholas D'Agosoto, Emma Bell, and Miles Fisher had the tendency to take their lines and act them out as if they were acting amongst chongas on a telenovela. It was just too OTT at times. It's unfortunate that some of the stronger performances were by people who were wiped out much sooner (mainly; David Koechner, Arlen Escarpeta, Jacqueline Maclnnes Wood, and Ellen Wroe).

Special effects: These did NOT disappoint at all. The highway accident was filmed to perfection. Every second is so tense and filmed in such a cool way. It really doesn't feel like you're watching a movie during this scene. It feels like you're watching a national disaster unfold in front of your very eyes. All of the deaths are graphic, bloody as fuck, and exactly what any gore fiend is looking for when they watch an entry in the Final Destination series.

The pace: If you're looking for 90 minutes of nonstop murder, I would say you're going to be a bit disappointed. There are many scenes of talking (considering the new rules that are being opened) between each death. Which I actually appreciated in a way. It made the death scenes resonate more and allowed the actors to do more with the material then just scream as something would eventually impale, break, burn, or decapitate them.

Ending: Now this was awesome. Along with the twist of killing someone else to save your own life, the ending also contains a neat surprise which you might not see coming. And even if you do, that won't stop it from impressing you eventually as it unfolds. 

3/4