Top Whore-Ers of the 2010's

2010
5. The Crazies
4. Insidious
3. Shutter Island
2. Let Me In
1. Black Swan

Great way to start off the decade! It's an easy choice for Black Swan, but Let Me In was beautiful and the other three were batshit nuts as well.

2011
5. Absentia
4. Final Destination 5
3. Scream 4
2. You're Next
1. The Skin I Live In

Finally I'm not choosing the popular choice! The Skin I Live In was brilliant and just gets more demented the more it unravels.

2012
5. Maniac
4. Excision
3. Sinister
2. Frankenweenie
1. Cabin in the Woods

Me putting an animated movie on just for having elements of horror should show you what I think of this year in a nutshell. It couldn't be anything but Cabin in the Woods though.

2013
5. Curse of Chucky
4. Carrie
3. Green Inferno
2. Oculus
1. The Conjuring

As much as they've played out The Conjuring/Nun/Annabelle/Daughter's Niece's sister of Annabelle franchise, The Conjuring was the perfect jump scare movie, a cinematic roller coaster that doesn't ease up.

2014
5. The Guest
4. Housebound
3. The Babadook
2. Starry Eyes
1. It Follows

Can I please just list my top 3 all as one movie? No. Okay then, It Follows wins by a hair. And HM to Zombeavers, shut up, it was hilarious.


2015
5. The Invitation
4. The Final Girls
3. The Blackoat's Daughter
2. Southbound
1. The Witch

Year of the slow burn right? I'd say everything but The Final Girls falls into that category. Despite the super natural elements, I felt that The Witch perfectly demonstrated the greatest and most prevalent form of evil that there is; fucking people.

2016
5. Split
4. Hush
3. Raw
2. Train to Busan
1. The Neon Demon

I kind of love that two of my top 5 are foreign films, and one barely includes any dialogue at all. Language diversity! You should know by now I love rabbit down the hole in the pursuit of success movies and couldn't ride with anything else but The Neon Demon.

2017
05. Anna and the Apocalypse
04. Shape of Water
03. It
02. Get Out
01. The Killing of A Sacred Deer

This was a terrific year! I'll probably expand this into a top 10 once I see a few more things on my watch list. Update on my #1! TKOASD rattled me to the bone unlike no other.

2018

5. Unsane
4. Incident in a Ghostland
3. Terrified
2. Sharp Objects
1. Hereditary

This was a pretty fair year overall, yes I am cheating by putting a mini-series @ number 2, but fuck it, watch that show and tell me it didn't fill you with more dread than just about anything that came out that year. Hereditary was a complete shit show from beginning to end (in the best way possible), and therefore gets my vote.

2019
5. The Perfection
4. Us
3. Ready or Not
2. The Lighthouse
1. Midsommar

I feel like this was the year for return masterpieces as 3 of these films were directed by directors that made recent previous lists. Tough call between my top 3 as one is one of the most fun of the decade and two are some of the most unforgettable. Midsommar grabbed me harder than any feature this year, and for that I tip my hat.

Top dogs *Non Horror*: 2010-2019

2010

3. Toy Story 3

2. The Social Network

1. Blue Valentine

2011

3. Drive

2. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

1. Moneyball

2012

3. Silver Linings Playbook/Zero Dark Thirty

2. Life of Pi

1. Django Unchained

2013

3. About Time

2. The Wolf of Wall Street

1. 12 Years A Slave

2014

3. Gone Girl

2. A Most Violent Year

1. Nightcrawler

2015

3. Room

2. Spotlight

1. Inside Out

2016

3. Arrival

2. La La Land

1. Moonlight

2017

3. Call Me by Your Name/Coco

2. Lady Bird

1. I, Tonya

2018

3. A Simple Favor

2. BlacKkKlansman

1. Eighth Grade

2019

3. Booksmart

2. Knives Out

1. Joker

The Help

It's always a joy when a movie which you think you know everything about turns out to be totally different than what you expected. Don't get me wrong; The Help is obviously about injustices between races in a much earlier decade but the overall feeling is one I didn't expect. Not only is The Help heartbreaking and powerful, it's actually much more entertaining, hillarious, and witty than I ever expected, easily one of the best movies of 2011.

The Help stars Emma Stone, as Skeeter Phelan, a young writer determined to make an impression in the literary world. So she decides to write a novel from the viewpoint of the help, collecting her material from local servants Aibileen Clark and Minny Jackson (played by Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer), and exposing the evil of the people they work for led by Hilly Holbrook (Bryce Dallas Howard) as the town's main racist with plans of making all of the black servants be demoted to using separate bathrooms outside of their employers' homes.

The Help's performances are easily one of the strongest positives of the movie. Emma Stone as Skeeter is quite effective, summoning up a rare contrast of an innocent, yet powerful and agressive energy, and she works both of these traits so well. Octavia Spencer (who deservedly won the Oscar) and Viola Davis (who SHOULD have won the Oscar) are forces of nature here. They'll go from breaking your heart to making you laugh your ass off in a matter of seconds, and not once do you see actresses performing roles, you see people behaving as people. Bryce Dallas Howard is also deliciously evil and the town bitch, and Jessica Chastain (who was rightfully nominated for the Oscar) is terribly endearing as Celia Foote, the town housewife who doesn't treat the help like dirt...and as expected, is despised for her differences and kind outlooks.

The Help's tone achieves the perfect blends of different types of attitude here. Rarely would I consider a movie about exposing social injustices to be entertaining, but The Help actually managed to capture and hold my attention from beginning to end. And considering that this movie is almost 2.5 hours long, that is no easy task mind you. And as heartbreaking and effective as the movie can be with the emotional punches that it swings at you, The Help is actually quite spicy and at times, very hillarious as well. Not once do you feel like you're watching a soap opera/Lifetime special of prejudices. The screenplay would be what Goldilocks describes as "Just right". Just the right amount of drama, of comedy, and of all that good shit in the middle.

The Help is easily one of the best movies of 2011 bar none. It exposes social injustices in a way that will attract all types of audiences. Those who are looking to find out about how things were in the 1960's according to race, those who are just suckers for those Oscar bait types of movies, and those who want a good laugh and possibly a good cry (TRUST ME, there will be at least one scene that will come close to making you cry/actually making you cry). The Help is a masterpiece that should be seen by every type of moviegoer.

4/4



Jack and Jill

Probably one of the few movies I'd ever refer to as an abortion

0/4



50/50

When it comes to what I would consider funny, cancer is certainly something I would put at the bottom of the list. It shouldn't be funny. It shouldn't be entertaining. But surprisingly enough, a movie about cancer actually manages to be entertaining and funny. 50/50 is easily one of my favorite movies of 2011.

The plot: Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) finds out he has cancer one day, affecting not only his own life, but the lives of everyone around him. Including his carefree party friend Kyle (Seth Rogen), his unorthodox and free-spirited therapist Katherine (Anna Kendrick), his cheating girlfriend Rachael (Bryce Dallas Howard) and his good-hearted, but paranoid and overbearing mother Diane (Anjelica Houston).

The good: The performances here all-around the board are amazing. I dare say that this is Joseph Gordon-Levitt's best performance to date and I would say the same about Seth Rogen as well. Not one person feels like they're acting in this movie at all, it really does seem like an authentic movie about how people react when they're staring cancer straight in the face, knowing that someday it will take their last breath out of them.

50/50 also has authenticity on its' side. Most directors would probably throw in some slapstick or cheesy humor to keep the mood light, but oddly enough, 50/50 doesn't need to do that to get humor from the material. It can be quite depressing and in a matter of moments, quite hillarious as well. 50/50 uses these less than fortunate situations about cancer and disease and actually is able to get some humor out of them without having to resort to cheap humor or any bullshit like that.

50/50 actually feels quite original as well. It keep me entertained and though many movies have dealt with diseases before, I was actually entertained and eager to see how this one would play out. Will Adam live or die? Will he stay with his adulterous girlfriend or the therapist whose strong interest to keep things professional will possibly damper their relationship? 50/50 gives you the answers to these situations in a way that you almost don't see coming.

The bad: I really don't have much to say about 50/50 that's bad, but I guess the movie could have been a tad shorter. Like, maybe 10-15 minutes shorter. And it wasn't even that big of a deal really.

50/50 is one of the best movies of 2011. It's authentic, it's heartwarming, it's realisitc, the performances are wonderful and powerful, it's funny, and it will keep you entertained from beginning to end. And how many movies about cancer can you say that for?

4/4

The Smurfs

Generally as you would know if you follow my blog, I try to do a paragraph/section dedicating it to all of the good things that I enjoyed about that particular movie, but fuck it. There are so many things wrong with The Smurfs that even finding 4-5 sentences of nice shit to say about it would be a chore that I am too lazy to attempt.

Just like about every other family movie out there with some odd/different character (s), The Smurfs' "plot" is that they somehow manage to fall out of their world and land in NYC, disturbing the lives of Patrick (Neil Patrick Harris) and his girlfriend Odile (Jayma Mays). And like all of these family movies, there's a bad guy that also manages to get out of this strange world, resulting in a cat and mouse chase between the two, the villian in this one being Gargamel (Hank Azaria). Same ol shit, different day.

There's such a little amount of story going on here that I can't even imagining this shit flying in a 30 minute episode of a Smurfs television show. It's so damn bare in terms of plot that it's like taking a shoelace and trying to lasso someone from China with it. It gets old quickly and I can't even imagine children above the age of 5 being entertained by this. Any type of humor, joy, or interest is sucked out as well. This movie feels like it was made on the thoughts of not wanting to make a movie at all. There's nothing present in The Smurfs that doesn't feel totally stock, standard, and devoid of any heart, intrigue, or humor. I feel like everyone involved in this movie was just as blue as the main characters. Then again, can you blame them?

1/4

Horrible Bosses

Why do so many movies resort to turning themselves into feature length sitcoms? Horrible Bosses is the latest movie to follow that trend, about three frustrated workers who all decide that the best way to deal with their terrible bosses (Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, Colin Farrell) is to murder them. They enlist in a local hitman named Mothafucka Jones (Jamie Foxx) to help them work up schemes which will all end up blowing up in their own faces. It has a good premise which has the potential to be hillarious, so it's unfortunate when Horrible Bosses just...isn't that. There's about a handful of hillarious scenes from beginning to end but the rest of the gags just fall flat or are just flat-out embarassing (just about any scene with Jennifer Aniston, what a waste of her talent). The plot doesn't go anywhere so it gets old quick, several talented actors are underused (Kevin Spacey & Colin Farrell), and the movie just wears out its' welcome long before the credits begin to roll. And that is something I would definitely never put on my resume. NEXT.

2/4

Martha Marcy May Marlene

One of the most present fears in all of us is paranoia; that feeling that you're never safe and there's always someone around the corner. You can't escape it, you can't forget it, and there's no way possible to kill it, it just stays with you forever. Paranoia is the driving base behind Martha Marcy May Marlene, a powerful and thought provoking thriller about paranoia and how it affects everyone around you.

What is it about? Martha (Elizabeth Olsen, yes, she's related to Mary Kate & Ashley) escapes from an...unorthodox cult led by the sinister Patrick (John Hawkes) and all of his followers in NY. She calls her sister Lucy (Sarah Paulson), who she hasn't seen in two years, and tells her to come get her, and as a result, ends up in Conneticut with Lucy and her husband Ted (Hugh Dancy). She tells them she's been in a relationship the last two years, completely avoiding all of the truth about what really happened as a result, confusing Lucy and Ted with her bizzare behavior, offputting questions, and tendencies to get naked and walk in on them having sex. Little things like that. Soon after, Martha feels that the cult is coming to get her, and based on past memories...she knows they're not playing around.

The positives: Elizabeth Olsen's performance as Martha is absolutely immaculate. She's easily the most talented Olsen sister by miles, and performances like this should easily start to cement a groundbreaking career for her. Not once do you believe she's acting. Martha is a fucked up, paranoid, possibly crazy hot mess of a human being that Olsen portrays her as in a perfect way. She tries so hard to be normal but the brainwashing inflicted on her by the cult makes that goal next to impossible. Some of her scenes are just heartbreaking just in the looks that Olsen gives her sister and her husband.

Olsen isn't the only one to shine here. Sarah Paulson as Martha's sister is also terribly talented in this role as well, as the sister who might as well be on a different planet. She tries so hard to understand Martha's bizzare behavior but she can't, and that just kills her on the inside. John Hawkes as the cult's leader also leaves some impact, this dude is fucking creepy. Every second of him on camera is filled with tension and menace. He's a true villian and plays the role to perfection.

Though it's far from a horror movie, Martha Marcy May Marlene is quite the chilling movie as well. The structure of the movie jumps back and forward from her flashbacks of the cult to how bad she's fucked up in the present day. The cult scenes are extremely...creepy to say the least. Even the Manson family would be slowly backing towards the door based on some of the shit this family does. And though the ending and overall last half of the movie has stirred up quite a debate, I actually quite enjoyed it. It's not a movie that explicitly states what's going on. It's more so your perception of everything. Did Martha see that particular person or is it just something worked up in her imagination? Is there something to worry about or is Martha just fucking nuts? These are questions that will stay in your mind for long after the movie is over.

The bad: Though I have very little negatives about this movie, I do wish more time had been spent on the cult and how they originated/why they did the shit they did. You do get to see some of the "initiation" process of people into the cult and how they all get their "special night" with Patrick, but you never really know much else about them except for that they're open with sex/nudity and not afraid of a death (easily the movie's creepiest scene).

Martha Marcy May Marlene is quite the unforgettable movie about how fucked up things in life will impact our future. It makes you wonder how much paranoia plays into your mind and if the monster in your closet is a delusion or a tangible threat. It's very suspenseful and Olsen's performance is easily worthy of an Oscar nomination. So of course she won't get one. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid. :P

4/4





The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

As many movies over the years have shown us, adapting a novel into a movie can be quite the big bitch, but David Fincher was obviously up to the challenge, delivering The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, an effective, powerful, very haunting and well made movie, easily one of my favorites of 2011. :)

What is it about? Daniel Craig plays Mikael, a journalist who has recently landed in hot water over a story he published which turns out to be false. You can tell he's looking for an excuse to get away, which is exactly what he receives from Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer), when Henrik recruits Mikael into solving the mystery over the murder of Henrik's granddaughter over 40 years ago. This case involves talking to all of Henrik's shady ass family and going over documents that have been in existence for decades, which is obviously not a one man task. So, Henrik enlists in Lisbeth (Rooney Mara), a mysterious, badass computer hacker to help Mikael solve the case.

The positives: The performances are easily one of the highlights of TGWTDT. Daniel Craig (who I feel has delivered quite a few flat performances in terrible movies this year) easily redeems himself here, delivering his best performance in years as Mikael. The real star here, I feel is Rooney Mara as Lisbeth though. She's mesmerizing. From her haunting look, to her gestures, to the way she speaks, you won't be able to get this portrayal out of your mind anytime soon. This is the stuff that I feel should easily be getting her nominated for Oscars. The Mara sisters have proved to be a force to be reckoned with in terms of siblings with a shitload of talent.

The mystery aspect is another area I felt that Dragon Tattoo succeeded in as well. Though I've read a fair amount of reviews labeling the movie as dull, I actually thought it was pretty damn entertaining and suspenseful. The movie has a feeling of mystery and benevolence. You really don't know what any of the characters in Henrik's family are capable of, adding tension to every single one of Mikael's meetings with them. I personally didn't see the ending coming which is another thing I think was strong about this movie; it's not predictable unlike a lot of other thrillers out there right now.

The bad: Though I enjoyed the way they wrapped up the mystery with Henrik's granddaughter, I do feel that another part of the ending was severely lacking; the last 2-3 minutes. I felt that Lisbeth's character acted in a way that wasn't very true to how she had behaved for the last 2.5 hours & I felt like there was a bit of giving up in the last moment or two. The final scene could have been a bit stronger considering I would call the rest of the movie pretty damn strong, it's just that it didn't know how to wrap itself up.

Overall, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a very solid and engaging mystery. The performances are top notch, the writing is very natural and intriguing, the mystery behind the granddaughter's murder will keep you guessing from beginning to end, there's tension from beginning to end (excluding the mentioned 2-3 final minutes). Easily one of the best movies of 2011.

4/4

Hostel Part III

A smack on the ass to my hometown and the former entries of what WAS an awesome series. 

2/4

Straw Dogs

How do gender stereotypes affect men and women today? How important is it for a man to be the brave one and for the woman to be the damsel in distress? What makes us want to change ourselves in order to fit these stereotypes? These are questions that are the underlying ideas in Straw Dogs, an effective yet very scary and well made horror movie.

Straw Dogs stars Kate Bosworth (Blue Crush) and James Marsden (X-Men) as David and Amy, a married couple that moves back into Amy's old house in order to fix it up a bit. They decide to hire a few of the local hicks to help them, led by Amy's old boyfriend Charlie (Alexander Skarsgård from True Blood). At first, things start out okay until the hicks start doing things that most people frown upon; inviting themselves in the house, raiding the fridge, killing Amy's cat, raping Amy while David is away on a hunting adventure, you know...little annoyances like that. Amy tries to deal with these situations in a more agressive manner than David, leading her to believe that David is a big coward and that she pretty much has to be the man in the relationship. But later on in the movie, David will get his chance to wear the pants in the relationship as the local hicks invade David and Amy's house with the intent to hurt anyone in their way.

I think the perfect choices were made in casting Kate Bosworth and James Marsden as the lead roles. Kate Bosworth is pretty stellar as the wife with all of the cojones in the relationship and James Marsden is entirely believable as the husband who is pushed to his breaking point. Oh, and the hicks are pretty creepy as well, there's an air of menace surrounding them the entire movie which works for the characters they are portraying.

Though not a ton of action occurs in the first hour or so, there's a lot of set up which was necessary to understand what was going on in David's head when things hit their worst point; the expectations of his role as the man in the relationship and his need to protect himself and his wife from anything or anyone else. But once he gets the chance to prove this, Straw Dogs becomes a very thrilling horror movie. The ways that he knocks down the hicks are so fucking awesome and badass, props for using a bear trap in a different way than I have ever seen in any other movie. You know what's going to happen but it's a hell of a ride to watch as David and Amy play cat and mouse with the locals.

Straw Dogs works because it provides a source of tension long before the bloodshed (the awesome, awesome bloodshed) hits the screen. The performances are solid in setting up character arcs that will ultimately be defined and changed in later scenes and Straw Dogs has enough menace to keep audiences entertained from beginning to end even when nothing terribly exciting or gruesome is occurring on screen. It's a bit different than the average horror movie hitting theaters these days and it has a good message about gender definitions and how they can be displayed in just one course of action. Straw Dogs is a must see for those who like a bit of story with their displays of blood and violence.

3/4

Melancholia

Depression is a big bitch. It takes over and weighs so much on people that at times it feels like the world is on their shoulders. And that is what Melancholia is about, a movie divided into two equal parts that both depict how depression can affect us in certain situations.

The first half of the movie is all about Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and her husband Michael (Alexander Skarsgard) at their wedding. Justine tries to her utmost abilities to be happy, but can't seem to overcome her crippling depression which renders her into doing quite...unorthodox things such as; urinating on the golf course, taking a bath, isolating herself like she has the plague, and screwing a new associate hired by her boss. Little things like that tend to screw up someone's wedding. This part also shows how everyone orbiting around Justine tries to deal with this possible catastrophe of a wedding. Her sister Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) tries to keep everything together despite feeling many emotions including anger and regret, yet sorrow and empathy towards her sister. Claire's husband John (Kiefer Sutherland) is pretty pissed off considering he paid for the wedding that is now being shot to hell by Justine and her mother Gaby (Charlotte Rampling) being giant sticks in the mud.

The second half of the movie switches things up all together. It focuses on Claire who is anxious, fearful, and clearly depressed about the possibility of a planet named Melancholia destroying the Earth in less than a few days. Her husband tries to reassure her that everything will be okay, but after a while, she even realizes that he has no clue what the hell he's talking about which shoots all chance of calming down straight to Hell. And unlike the first half of the movie where Justine is a depressed wreck, in this situation of waiting for the Earth to end (and being single thanks to her antics), Justine actually manages to keep a cool head on her shoulders strangely enough. She understands the gravity of the situation, but she just doesn't give a shit. In her mind, the Earth is something which isn't worth saving and is filled with evil. So why mourn?

The visuals in Melancholia are easily some of the best visuals I have seen in 2011. The opening, silent scenes depicting the destruction that will ensue with the end of the world are absolutely breathtaking. You just watch in amazement as something so horrible, yet so beautiful takes place before your eyes. It almost doesn't even feel real. And no shit, it's a movie. But still...you can't believe what you're seeing on the screen.

Performances are another area in which Melancholia shines. Kirsten Dunst easily delivers her best performance to date as Justine. Nothing seems contrived or overacted with her performance, homegirl is perfect as a depressed person. Though at times, her antics easily rub you the wrong way, Kirsten Dunst is so effective at portraying inner sorrow and despair that you almost feel bad for her, even when she's screwing everything up for everyone else around her. Charlotte Gainsbourg is easily another stand-out here. The Academy should award both of these women with a Oscar nomination this year. Charlotte's scenes alone with Claire losing her cool and breaking down on screen are some of the most depressing scenes I've seen in a movie in a while and easily should lock her in the "Best Supporting Actress" category. Which probably means she won't get nominated considering I want her and Kirsten to receive those nominations. Fuck.

Melancholia is a beautiful, insightful, and thought provoking movie about depression. The ideas displayed about Justine and Claire with their emotions and actions left me thinking about this movie long after it was over. Let me throw my two cents in about what I think the movie was about; I think the theme was that those who are more inclined to feel depression already feel like the world is ending, so when it did end, it was almost like a giant weight was released off their shoulders. Melancholy is something unavoidable despite your best efforts and can take over you at any time. Those who try to be happy will feel more affected by sadness then those who already live in their own state of doom and gloom. That crisis isn't as detrimental and destructive when you already feel like you're carrying the entire world on your shoulders. One felt that the world was ending in a figurative sense while the other felt it was ending in a literal sense. Isn't it depressing that we really will never know the correct meaning of what this movie meant to portray? Sad. Sad. Sad.

4/4

Carnage

What happens when you take a jump rope and try and stretch it to another country? You're obviously not going to have enough material to fulfill your goal. And that is exactly what is wrong with Carnage, a movie which isn't a movie at all really. Carnage is about two sets of parents who are dealing with a physical fight that their children got into, resulting in one child named Ethan losing two teeth. Zachary's parents (Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz) and Ethan's parents (Jodie Foster and John C. Reilly) try and deal with their dispute in the most calm and mature fashion possible, but soon after, their claws come out.

Carnage just doesn't have enough going on to really be considered as a movie to me. It runs 75 minutes which is certainly a very short period of time, but there's not much going on at all minus the parents and their arguments, so at times, 75 minutes feels like 7,775 minutes. The performances are all pretty solid though, most noteworthy being Christoph Waltz as Zachary's father, who provides a well-needed source of comedic relief and sour indifference. But overall, Carnage just isn't funny or entertaining enough to be recommended by me. If you want to watch a short, but entertaining and hillarious story about people fighting, just turn on an episode of Jerry Springer and skip Carnage all together.

1/4

The Thing

What is it about? Mary Elizabeth Winstead (from Final Destination 3) plays paleontologist Kate Lloyd, who is recruited by a bunch of Norwegian scientists to help them dig up an unidentified specimen beneath the ice. Once they dig up the creature, it escapes and soon after, it is realized that this creature has the ability to morph into its prey soon after killing it. It now becomes a battle of who can be trusted or not considering the thing has the ability to morph into anyone, anywhere, at anytime.

The positives: For starters, I really enjoyed the performances in this one. It's not your typical horror movie where the best performances are the ones that can be described as the least awful, I actually believed everyone in this movie in the roles they were portraying. Mary Elizabeth Winstead continues to impress as well, I've never seen her in a movie where she underwhelmed, and here, she was perfect as the paleontologist made of intelligence and ability to be a big badass when the time comes. I also enjoyed several other performances, including Eric Christian Olsen (who is miles away from toxic movies like Dumb and Dumberer) as the assistant of the doctor who recruits Kate.

The Thing also managed to bring some suspense into the formula. Several scenes of the thing unleashing itself are quite disturbing and I actually wasn't sure about who it was taking over, so when it eventually came out (in an awesome way), I was a bit taken back which is something I think most horror movies are missing these days; an element of surprise. The idea of paranoia that is present throughout is also something which I find quite chilling. The idea of not being able to trust anyone even if it's your family or a friend is something I think everyone finds a bit ominous. This movie plays with that idea pretty well in my opinion.

The bad: I don't really have a ton of negatives about The Thing, but one area I felt The Thing was a bit lacking was in the special effects. At times, it had the looks and feel of a video game and well...I didn't pay $1.50 (Thank god for the dollar theater) to watch someone perform a video game on screen. Granted, watching an alien/spider hybrid jumping out of people isn't something I would call realistic, but still, I would like to see it done as realisticly as possible which is an area I feel that The Thing was lacking a bit at times.

Overall: The Thing is a pretty solid horror movie which I feel isn't a remake that destroys the original. The performances are pretty solid throughout, there's some suspense and surprise that will keep audiences entertained and I enjoyed the theme of paranoia and distrust that the alien made the characters go through as opposed to most movies where it's just, "Chase, Attack, Chase, Attack". It's a thing of a different horror movie class.

3/4

The Human Centipede 2

What is it about? As one killer in an infamous horror movie exclaimed, “Movies don’t create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative”. And that’s the basic premise of The Human Centipede II, which is about a man named Martin (Laurence R. Harvey) who is so infatuated with the original Human Centipede that he decides to create a centipede of his own, this time with twelve people instead of three.

Positives; Well, for one, Human Centipede II easily accomplishes what it sets out to do; shock the audience from beginning to end. Through its dark and dismal use of colors, unsettling and ominous performance lead, and a story that just moves from worse, to really awful, to well….even more awful. I can easily say that I was rattled while watching the HC2 from beginning to end. It just gets worse and worse as time moves on, becoming almost unwatchable by the time that Martin has created his masterpiece. So yes, in terms of pure horror, the Human Centipede 2 is a success.

They really couldn’t have picked a better actor to play Martin either. Seriously, this guy couldn’t get any creepier in terms of looks or actions. I wouldn’t be surprised if the actor in real life celebrated the premiere of this movie by lighting a nunnery on fire. HC2 is unsettling even when he isn’t working with his centipede. The scenes alone with his mother and therapist will give you goose bumps just because you don’t really know what he is going to do next. A fear of the unknown is very prevalent throughout this movie. Not a ton of other actors really get a chance to shine in this movie, though there is an amusing cameo from Ashlynn Yennie as an actress about to receive her most unsettling role yet; an actual participant in the centipede.

Negatives; Though I will definitely say that HC2 is a creepy, disturbing, disgusting, and unforgettable movie, at times I felt like I was watching the world’s grossest one-trick pony. From the opening scenes alone, you get that he is going to replicate the centipede and you comprehend that he is off his rocker. I felt like too many scenes just beat these points into the ground a bit more than needed. Maybe one or two scenes of him ominously looking around, planning his next move, or contently watching the original Human Centipede could have been cut out. And once he is done assembling his centipede, did we really need that many minutes of the centipede moving around with Martin staring at it with love in his eyes? We get it. Dude is in love with his work.

The bottom line; Overall, I would say that the Human Centipede II succeeds in what it sets out to do; shock and disturb the audience with a movie that will stay in your memory for a long ass time. Sure, it’s a bit repetitive and there really isn’t much else to it besides watching a mad man create the project of his dreams, but then again, that was pretty much the point; to demonstrate obsession and possible creation in its sickest and most demented form. And the worst part; it’s probably going to inspire someone out there to take this movie into their own hands. Yeah. Doesn’t that suck ass? Pun intended. 

2/4

Paranormal Activity 3

 Santa read my Christmas letter early this year, well, he read about 1% of it but still, he read it. Some of my biggest complaints about Paranormal Activity 1 and 2 were that the whole thing reeked of a bad YouTube video with amateur performances and a total lack of scares or excitement. Paranormal Activity 3 easily improves in categories, slamming the other two movies into the ground and easily earning the title of best Paranormal Activity movie of the three, for me.

What is this movie about? Paranormal Activity 3 starts off right before the first two movies begin. In 2005, Katie (Katie Featherston) gives her sister Kristi (Sprague Grayden) a box of old videotapes. A year later, someone has broken into Kristi’s house, stealing all of the tapes that Katie gave her sister. We then travel back to 1988, with the young Kristi (Jessica Tyler Brown ) and Katie (Chloe Csengery ) having their first ghostly experiences alongside their mother Julie (Lauren Bittner) and her boyfriend Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith).

The positives: As I mentioned before, Paranormal Activity 3 easily owns the other two movies in terms of scares. This is the first movie of the three where I didn’t feel like the only people who should be afraid of what’s occurring onscreen are those under ten; this one actually is pretty gnarly in terms of frights. One of the ways in which I feel the movie has improved in terms of frights is through the use of the cameras. In this movie, a camera is attached to a moving fan, so slowly but surely, it moves from room to room, making the viewer hold their breath the entire time as to what’s going to be onscreen in the next room. A scene using this trick, involving the babysitter, is so badass and creepy; this scene alone makes Paranormal Activity 3 superior to the other two movies in my opinion. And as for the ending…though I have to disagree with the slogan of, “It will change your life”, I have to admit it was pretty damn excruciating at times. You really don’t know what’s going to happen next and a fear of the unknown is one that a lot of people can admit to. Though, if you have seen the first two, you know what has to happen to a few of the characters, the way in which it occurs will make you jump. Or at least think twice before leaving all the lights on in your house….or visiting a relative. Just saying.

Excluding the scares, Paranormal Activity 3 is also improved because of the improved performances and writing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not expecting anyone in this movie to be receiving a knock on the door from Mr. Oscar anytime soon, but at least it’s not as cringe worthy as trying to watch the cast members in the first two pretend to act like humans. This one is actually pretty tolerable and I must say that the little girls who play Katie and Kristi do a damn fine job in this. I also liked how this movie played with a side of humor that the first two didn’t really explore at all. Paranormal Activity 3 is actually quite funny, most noteworthy being a scene with Dennis’s friend and a particularly risky game of Bloody Mary.

The negatives: Well, for one, if you’ve watched any of the trailers, you’re going to realize that a lot of scenes from them are not in the final movie. Which was kind of disappointing, especially considering some of the potential awesome thrills that could have been had from the Bloody Mary scenes and the scene where one of the girls (I think Kristi) jumped off the railing and ran up the stairs at a speed level that would make athletes eat their hearts out.

 And though the ending is pretty terrifying, I think it could have been planned out a bit better. I don’t want to spoil too much, but the reasoning behind the ghostly force being present isn’t exactly the most satisfactory or original *CoughTheLastExorcismCough*. It moves a bit further away from the paranormal and more into evil cults which well…isn’t what Paranormal Activity isn’t about at all, so it felt kind of strange why the ending needed to take this odd route to the finish line.

Overall though, I was quite pleased with Paranormal Activity 3. Unlike the first two in the series, I actually felt like I was watching a quality horror movie as opposed to a YouTube video where something “unexpectedly” jumps out just as the video is ending. The performances are pretty solid, the writing has improved and brought a more entertaining and fresh perspective to the series, and there’s actually a lot of frightening scenes here which I’m definitely all for. Just please don’t do a part four. I’m dead serious. If I even hear of a part four being made, the idea alone will send a chill down my spine that will make the last 15 minutes of this movie seem like child’s play in terms of pure horror.

3/4

Wrong Turn 4

I kind of wanna give it 2 stars for the lol ending but that would include me forgetting the 92 minutes prior to it

1/4

The Immortals

The plot: The Heraklion King of Crete, Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) starts a war with Olympus after the Gods answer his prayers. He also starts searching for the Epirus Bow, which he intends to use to release the Titans from Mount Tartarus and destroy all of the gods. The only people that have any chance of stopping him are a small group of individuals, mainly the virgin oracle priestess Phaedra (Frieda Pinto) and Theseus (Henry Cavill).

The good: This is a bit hard for me considering I find there to be very little redeeming about Immortals, but I will say the special effects and scenery are certainly worth of honorable mentions. Whoever worked on the effects deserves an Academy award nomination, the locations of the movie are beautiful and though the effects tend to wear out their welcome at the end (this will be mentioned more so in the other column), they are certainly the best thing about this movie. If you are someone who is into the CGI and all that stuff...this is the movie for you.

The bad: Immortals is full of bad. Bad meets bad who cheated on worse. First off, the performances are a big problem here. Henry Cavill is more rigid than the swords he yields as the lied Theseus. There is not one moment of passion or energy throughout any of his scenes. Stiff as a board, he might as well be reading out of a History textbook. And as gorgeous as Frieda Pinto is, her character is pretty pointless as well. She's given nothing to do sadly which I'll blame more on the bad writing than her. Everyone else is just ridiculously overdone here, especially Stephen Dorff as the "comic relief" and Mickey Rourke as the antagonist.

The writing is another huge issue, it's laughable. I've seen more realistic, plausible, and informative dialogue on Spongebob. The characters are paper thin and you don't really understand what's so special about any of them. Isn't Greek mythology all about the grandeur, power, strength, and courage of the people who are involved in the stories? You don't find out anything about any of them, so there's absolutely no reason to care about what's going on with them.

And to make matters worse, Immortals is just boring as hell. It's like a bad knockoff of 300 minus the fun and adding a ton of cheesy dialogue and uninteresting stories. Nothing intriguing happens from beginning to end and the fighting is almost painful to watch by the end. Once you've seen one person get their head bashed off/in, you've seen it all. Only one fight in the movie stood out to me (even though you can barely tell what's going on at times), and you have to wait over an hour and a half to get to it. Talk about payoff.

The gist: Immortals is just a big fail of an action movie about Greek mythology. It takes an interesting subject and sumo wrestles it into the ground, producing a tedious, wooden, poorly acted and written montonous disease that takes forever to end. Playing Halo for 2 hours straight will give you a better payoff than the Immortals; awesome special effects + the ability to be entertained- the need to watch ten dollars fly into the trash quicker than a rat.

1/4

The Muppets

The plot: A puppet named Walter lives with his brother Gary (Jason Segel) in a place called Smalltown. They have both been fans of the Muppets since they were young and when Gary and his girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) plan to go to Los Angeles for their anniversary, they realize it is a great time to go see Muppet Theater. Once they get there though, things aren't looking too good as they realize that the only way the Muppets can get Muppet Theater back is if they all put on a big show to raise $10 million before Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) can destroy the theater for good.

The good: There's so many good things about The Muppets. One of the first I will mention is the music. I think it's safe to say you will easily leave this movie with at least one song stuck in your head until death. My personal favorites were "Life's a happy song", "Party of one", and a grand finale song of "Mahna Mahna" performed by the entire cast. The music is so catchy and fun, even the biggest anti-Muppet moviegoer will find it hard to resist the charm of the score.

Another surprising thing about The Muppets is the amount of wit and humor throughout, The Muppets is actually quite hillarious. There's a lot of sight gags with the Muppets that will keep the kids (and even adults) entertained but there's a lot of tongue in cheek humor that is quite refreshing to see in a children's movie. Characters will mention songs right after they're done singing them, they will cue for a "manical laughter", stop their conversations to let the audience know that was an important plot point and even mention the budget of the movie. There's a particularly humorous scene when Kermit is mentioning how he doesn't think the Muppets will get back together, leading one character to exclaim, "Well I guess this is gonna be a short movie". Witty stuff.

Jason Segel and Amy Adams were the perfect choices for the leads as well, I couldn't picture anyone else replacing either of them. What, with Jason Segel's love of singing and very adolescent-like nature and Amy Adams' ability to play the happiest mofo you will ever meet (see Enchanted for further proof if you don't believe me...this chick is happy). A lot of celebrities make cameos at the end which is pretty stellar to see as well. They actually put Jack Black in a role that I liked him in.....color me shocked. :O

The bad: As much as I love being a Debbie Downer...I actually can't think of a noticeable negative to say about this movie. Wow.

The gist: The Muppets is a delightful, irresistible, adorable movie for moviegoers of all ages. The music is catchy, the performances are wonderful, it does a classic group proud and will easily be welcomed back by any fan of The Muppets. It's just an awesome movie for the whole family to watch, and how many movies these days can say that? Not many. There's your answer. Done.

3/4

Dream House

The plot: Will Atenton (Daniel Craig) moves into a new house with his wife; Libby (Rachel Weisz) and their two children; Dee Dee and Trish. Soon after moving in, their daughters begin to see a strange man lurking around, and after some research, Will finds out that the previous owners will all murdered by someone in their family; Peter Ward. Will begins to think that Peter Ward is back to get his family and the rest of the movie is about his discovery about Peter Ward and who the man lurking around is once and for all.

The good: There's very little redeeming here, so I'm going to have to start grasping at straws.....oh, Naomi Watts (who plays the Atenton's neighbor) and Rachel Weisz perform well here with the bare, minimal material they are given. Seriously...about 20 minutes total of speaking time for the both of them. Way to take the good things and squish them like a family of bugs.

The bad: Oh boy, where the hell do I start? Listing the number of things wrong with this movie is like listing how many rocks are currently residing in the United States. Well, for one...the preview is totally misleading. It makes Dream House look like a scary, entertaining horror movie. The joke is now on you if you believed that shit. Dream House is easily one of the dullest and least chilling horror movies of 2011. Not one scary thing happens and you're more likely to give yourself goosebumps by cleaning underneath your fridge.

Daniel Craig is also a big reason why I feel this movie drowns. He delivers such a bland and monotone performance. His voice never changes and there's never any sense of danger or peril in the way he behaves. Even in later (supposed to have been) emotional scenes where he finds out the true discovery of Peter Ward (which isn't surprising in the least if you have watched the trailers) lack any sort of emotion or passion at all. It's as if we're watching a movie about someone two days after they received a lobotomy.

And the twist? Well, I'll ruin it for the two people on Earth who haven't seen the trailer. HE IS PETER WARD and his family is all dead. Yeah, big surprise. Even if you haven't seen the trailers, the clues to this discovery are about as difficult to find as the clues in an episode of Scooby Doo. Plus, this twist has been done several other times in better movies with better finishes (The Uninvited, Shutter Island, The Others). At one point, someone even looks at "Will" and says, "He's back!". How is that not obvious? After he discovers this, there's another lame twist about who else has insidious intentions, but by that point you don't really give a shit considering the 90 minutes of soap opera disguised as a horror movie that you've been forced into watching.

Logic is another aspect of good filmmaking that takes a flying leap out the window here. If Peter Ward was innocent and they had no proof to lock him up, why was he there in the first place? What made them think he did it if there was no proof? Why didn't anyone else investigate the crime to see if he wasn't guilty? Why would people who were trained to work with crazy people allow someone to make up an entire other life with completely different names? Why did it take him 5 years to get out? Why didn't someone else tell him that he was Peter Ward? Seriously, the people in this movie act like such idiots just to get the plot to barely move from beginning to end.

The lowdown: Dream House is an absolutely terrible movie from start to finish. It's dull and thrilless, the main star is someone with the urgency of a potato, the twist is easy to figure out, and it's been done so many times that the neat twist started many years ago by The Sixth Sense has now been flattened to a pancake thanks to movies that take the formula of a ghost horror movie and flush it down the cinematic toilet. Next time anyone involved in this movie decides to make another horror movie of equal quality...just say the butler did it.

0/4