The Menu

 

This was so much fun and easily my favorite horror movie so far of 2022. Really well acted, funny, and it goes in a completely different direction then the previews indicate which it was beneficial considering how predictable that shit was going to be.

3/4 (Very close to a 4)

Men

 

Ugh. I really really really want to rank this higher. The leads are stellar here, Jessie Buckley as our heroine really wears her heart on her sleeve and her face. MVP is clearly Rory Kinnear who plays several different men throughout the movie, all sinister, all foreboding, all dynamic, all different.

But man, that fucking ending. Granted, it's from the director of Annihilation and Ex Machina so you definitely know it's going to be a movie where it's not all that meets the eye. But Damn, can something even hit the lash? Still a bit unsure of what it was trying to say if anything and by the end you feel unsatisfied and a bit tricked by what could have been a classic. Not just a classic letdown.

2/4

Martyrs

This movie should spit out a referral for therapy by its' gruesome finale.

3/4

Monster's Ball

Halle Berry gets straight up Phantom of the Opera in this at times and no one can tell me otherwise. But it's still a really beautiful movie about ugly situations and how we see the light through it all. 

3/4

Midsommar

Really feels like the type of movie you need to have a cigarette after. Feels like a nervous breakdown the entire time and Florence Pugh is a revelation here. 

4/4

Most Likely to Die

You know what is most likely to die? Any interest in this movie after 5 minutes.

0/4

A Most Violent Year

Similar to Whiplash, A Most Violent Year is a movie about the great American dream; to become successful, and the less then beautiful things we have to do to achieve it.

Oscar Isaac & Jessica Chastain were completely screwed out of Oscar nominations for this movie, they're spellbinding. Both actors ooze such a fire in their performances in a completely different way. The couple resembles a volcano; Isaac as the firm, steady base with the capability to explode but still a way to go before it, Chastain is the tip of the volcano, oozing such a flame you better stay away.

What's so great about the writing is how authentic it feels. Neither character is a bad person which makes their behavior feel more realistic, good people are capable of the worst things. Every scene keeps the viewer on the edge of their seat, like a horror movie, you're constantly expecting the worst to happen. 

From the beautiful imagery, to the top notch performances, to the terrific script, A Most Violent Year is a most stellar movie.

4/4

Maps to the Stars

This is one where I feel like it's zaniness and kookiness were its greatest strength and weakness. Julianne Moore is stellar as Havana, the lead actress whose realizing her 15 minutes of fame is almost up and she can't take it. Her performance is so full of desperation and lunacy she completely disappears in the role. Same with Mia Wasikowska, whose pretty much a ticking time bomb every second she's on screen, she's proof the biggest sense of fear is the kind that doesn't appear on the surface right away; it bubbles and bubbles until it bubbles over the edge. The men don't fare as well, I liked the actor who was deliciously obnoxious as a Justin Bieber asshole type, but John Cusack & Robert Pattinson just feel underwritten or like they should have been in a different movie. There's a lot of promise in the situations with Havana hallucinating about her dead mother, and Wasikowska's character being the black sheep of her family for mental reasons, but in the last half hour everything flies off the tracks and just gets too ridiculous for its' own good and flies off the map. Shame.  

2/4

A Million Ways to Die in the West

The funniest joke and most involving character both involve a retarded sheep. Enough said.

1/4

Maleficient

It looks great, and Angelina Jolie (who also looks great) are in on the fun, but characterization and clear motivation are as inactive and inert as Sleeping Beauty.

2/4

The Master

What an absolute mindfuck. A movie like The Master rarely comes along. I was reading a short article that mentions, "The movies that are the most entertaining are the ones with ideas that you entertain" or something along those lines and that made me think of this movie. Weeks later I still can't stop thinking about it.

The Master is such an absorbing spectacle it's really impossible to get it out of your head. The performances from the talented trio are pitch perfect. Joaquin Phoenix's character is Freddy, a veteran suffering from PTSD, alcoholism and a strange addiction to drinking poisonous alcohol, and having agressive sexual thoughts towards any female with a pulse.

He's out of control. That is, until he comes across a cult-like group who believes in The Cause. The enticing leader is Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman), a man who becomes a father figure to Freddy and is willing to guide him amongst the others to relieve his traumatic life experiences in order to push past them towards a better future. Lancaster's wife Peggy (Amy Adams) is less welcoming then her husband, as she knows the unstability and recklessness of this stranger that they have just welcomed in.

Joaquin Phoenix is a force of nature as Freddy. He's such a primitive character with all of his grunts and violent behaviors, but despite this characterization, he feels oddly sympathetic as well, like a lost animal that just doesn't know any better.

Philip Seymour Hoffman brings many layers and a ton of depth to his character who may or may not be full of Shit. Which doesn't really matter. You're so drawn to how convincing and fascinating Hoffman's performance is that you would sign up for whatever he sold you.

Though she definitely isn't as used as much as I would have liked her to have been, Amy Adams nails every single one of her scenes. She gives such a power and strength to Peggy you would swear she is The Master. Her scenes with Hoffman most notably one of her early scenes after a doubter of The Cause verbally challenges the group and a later scene regarding Freddy are easily some of the most unforgettable of the movie.

Another thing I loved about The Master was that there are no easy answers. I thought about the final scenes and drew about 5 different conclusions as to what The Master really resolves to and though there's scenes that make me believe each could be true, you never really know the true Black & White answer.

With it's powerful punch of stellar performances, intriguing and multi-layered characters and a plot that will leave you thinking and really evaluating the meaning behind Anderson's masterful direction, The Master is a masterpiece, pun intended.

4/4

Monsters University

   There's nothing more disappointing then a lackluster Disney Pixar movie. And sadly, despite some merits, Monsters University will leave you with a feeling, "Did this really need to be made?".

What's up? Monsters University is the prequel to Monsters Inc, it takes place during the days of Mike and Sullivan in college when they weren't the best of friends, in fact for a good duration of the movie they can't stand each other. There's also a dean of students out to get them, and a competition amongst other groups in the school in a Hunger Games like battle to determine who is the scariest group of monsters in school.

What's good? As always, Pixar delivers with the visuals in this film. Monsters University is just as physically attractive as the first entry, the colors are great, the movie is filled with tons of life and animation and I love the details given to each of the monsters. The creators even manage to make the universities look as realistic as possible, no easy feat when making a movie full of monsters.

I enjoyed the vocal performances as well. Billy Crystal & John Goodman have the same amount of life and energy as they did in Monsters Inc, they're having a blast and despite the actors not being seen together, they give their monsters a great sense of chemistry. Helen Mirren as their tight-ass dean also gives some good effort, delivering her lines with all the sinister pow you would need.

What the fuck? The biggest issue with Monsters University is that comparisons to Monsters Inc are inevitable, and in that case, Monsters University comes up short in every way. This entry feels about 10,000 times less creative, funny, and heartwarming then the first one. I just couldn't help but really question the need for a second entry, at times this really feels like it shouldn't have been released in theaters. There's just not a ton of reason why this needs to exist minus an opportunity at snagging some more cash.

Also unlike Monsters Inc, this entry clocks in at about 104 minutes and really doesn't seem like it should have been that long. There's just a sense of mediocrity throughout, I feel like the creators weren't trying as hard with this movie as they did with Monsters Inc.

Overall Monsters University is far from a bad movie, but considering the hype and the magic that was Monsters Inc, it really needed to be a lot stronger. Some beautiful animation and humorous scenes doesn't make up for an overall feeling of mediocrity and "I don't think this needed to be a sequel sequelitis" that many sequels/prequels fall under. Time to hit the books harder next time guys.

2/4

Movie 43

Lately I've been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that movie stars have a blast. They attend parties with tons of other stars at huge mansions with copious amounts of alcohol. And the ones that drink the most are then convinced into signing onto movies like Movie 43, a movie so goddawful you would swear you were dreaming.

What else would cause Halle Berry to show her face here? To have Hugh Jackman play a man with testicles attached to his neck? To have Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber play parents who sexually harrass their child? To have *insert name doing insert unfunny material from any given skit into this section*. It's embarassing when your funniest skit involves aforementioned parents coming onto child, the worst skit being the after credits act about Elizabeth Banks, Josh Duhamel, and his animated cat who is having sexual fantasies about him. You did not read that last sentence incorrectly.

There's no surprise here that a movie that uses ignorance in its' skits for humor comes off as so damn stupid and immature. I've seen many movies in my 20 years of life and I can't recall one right now that is more cringeworthy, pointless, or unfunny as Movie 43.

-10,000/4

Mama

Previews can be damn dirty liars in some cases. Mama is certainly one of them. The previews make it look like one of those good old-fashioned horror movies that rely on genuine scares as opposed to loud noises and bloody deaths to get the point across. And considering Guillermo del Toro's name was all over any advertisement associated with the movie, I was extra excited. That anticipation was shot directly to hell, as Mama unfortunately fails to provide scares and just comes off across as silly and unintentionally hillarious way too often.

Mama stars Jessica Chastain (The Help, Zero Dark Thirty) as Annabel, a punk rock musician whose boyfriend has now brought in his brother's children after years of them being missing. There's only one little problem; the children have been raised by an overprotective monster named Mama, who has sucked every ounce of human out of the girls, reducing them to monsters who growl, crawl, and eat bugs like fritos. Once Annabel begins to become closer to the children, Mama isn't having it, and you won't like Mama when she's angry.

Mama does have some redeeming features. Jessica Chastain is easily the best part of this movie. She's sympathetic and humorous as the lead getting screwed over by her boyfriend's overprotective tendencies of the girls. Her reactions alone to the girls' tendencies to well, act like animals...are easily the best parts of the movie. And I would say that despite most of it failing to provide thrills (which I will explain more in the next paragraph), there are some good scares in this movie and none of which have any gore in them. Which is always pretty impressive.

Now for the less solid parts of Mama, and I felt there were a few which stopped the movie from being stellar. My biggest issue with Mama lies in the plot and the writing. I felt like the story ran out of gas rather quickly. The central idea of a paranormal entity following around two girls like a paranoid, homicidal mother, feels like a 30 min episode of Twilight Zone/Tales from the Crypt. There's not enough material or places to go with the story, so turning it into a 90 minute movie feels like stretching a piece of gum to a different planet. There's too many scenes of the girls crawling around, playing with someone that isn't there, or looking over at someone just to give a quick look, that after a while it just becomes tiresome, and rather funny. There's only so many times you can watch two 9 year old children running around like dogs before it just feels like...well, children running around like dogs. And it doesn't help that the ending seems to take a turn for the worse. Things could have ended in a rather creepy way, making the audience feel that despite its' flaws, that this twisted horror fairy tale ended on the right note. But like it's antagonist, the movie just takes a jump off the cliff and never comes back.

2/4

Martha Marcy May Marlene

One of the most present fears in all of us is paranoia; that feeling that you're never safe and there's always someone around the corner. You can't escape it, you can't forget it, and there's no way possible to kill it, it just stays with you forever. Paranoia is the driving base behind Martha Marcy May Marlene, a powerful and thought provoking thriller about paranoia and how it affects everyone around you.

What is it about? Martha (Elizabeth Olsen, yes, she's related to Mary Kate & Ashley) escapes from an...unorthodox cult led by the sinister Patrick (John Hawkes) and all of his followers in NY. She calls her sister Lucy (Sarah Paulson), who she hasn't seen in two years, and tells her to come get her, and as a result, ends up in Conneticut with Lucy and her husband Ted (Hugh Dancy). She tells them she's been in a relationship the last two years, completely avoiding all of the truth about what really happened as a result, confusing Lucy and Ted with her bizzare behavior, offputting questions, and tendencies to get naked and walk in on them having sex. Little things like that. Soon after, Martha feels that the cult is coming to get her, and based on past memories...she knows they're not playing around.

The positives: Elizabeth Olsen's performance as Martha is absolutely immaculate. She's easily the most talented Olsen sister by miles, and performances like this should easily start to cement a groundbreaking career for her. Not once do you believe she's acting. Martha is a fucked up, paranoid, possibly crazy hot mess of a human being that Olsen portrays her as in a perfect way. She tries so hard to be normal but the brainwashing inflicted on her by the cult makes that goal next to impossible. Some of her scenes are just heartbreaking just in the looks that Olsen gives her sister and her husband.

Olsen isn't the only one to shine here. Sarah Paulson as Martha's sister is also terribly talented in this role as well, as the sister who might as well be on a different planet. She tries so hard to understand Martha's bizzare behavior but she can't, and that just kills her on the inside. John Hawkes as the cult's leader also leaves some impact, this dude is fucking creepy. Every second of him on camera is filled with tension and menace. He's a true villian and plays the role to perfection.

Though it's far from a horror movie, Martha Marcy May Marlene is quite the chilling movie as well. The structure of the movie jumps back and forward from her flashbacks of the cult to how bad she's fucked up in the present day. The cult scenes are extremely...creepy to say the least. Even the Manson family would be slowly backing towards the door based on some of the shit this family does. And though the ending and overall last half of the movie has stirred up quite a debate, I actually quite enjoyed it. It's not a movie that explicitly states what's going on. It's more so your perception of everything. Did Martha see that particular person or is it just something worked up in her imagination? Is there something to worry about or is Martha just fucking nuts? These are questions that will stay in your mind for long after the movie is over.

The bad: Though I have very little negatives about this movie, I do wish more time had been spent on the cult and how they originated/why they did the shit they did. You do get to see some of the "initiation" process of people into the cult and how they all get their "special night" with Patrick, but you never really know much else about them except for that they're open with sex/nudity and not afraid of a death (easily the movie's creepiest scene).

Martha Marcy May Marlene is quite the unforgettable movie about how fucked up things in life will impact our future. It makes you wonder how much paranoia plays into your mind and if the monster in your closet is a delusion or a tangible threat. It's very suspenseful and Olsen's performance is easily worthy of an Oscar nomination. So of course she won't get one. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid. :P

4/4





Melancholia

Depression is a big bitch. It takes over and weighs so much on people that at times it feels like the world is on their shoulders. And that is what Melancholia is about, a movie divided into two equal parts that both depict how depression can affect us in certain situations.

The first half of the movie is all about Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and her husband Michael (Alexander Skarsgard) at their wedding. Justine tries to her utmost abilities to be happy, but can't seem to overcome her crippling depression which renders her into doing quite...unorthodox things such as; urinating on the golf course, taking a bath, isolating herself like she has the plague, and screwing a new associate hired by her boss. Little things like that tend to screw up someone's wedding. This part also shows how everyone orbiting around Justine tries to deal with this possible catastrophe of a wedding. Her sister Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) tries to keep everything together despite feeling many emotions including anger and regret, yet sorrow and empathy towards her sister. Claire's husband John (Kiefer Sutherland) is pretty pissed off considering he paid for the wedding that is now being shot to hell by Justine and her mother Gaby (Charlotte Rampling) being giant sticks in the mud.

The second half of the movie switches things up all together. It focuses on Claire who is anxious, fearful, and clearly depressed about the possibility of a planet named Melancholia destroying the Earth in less than a few days. Her husband tries to reassure her that everything will be okay, but after a while, she even realizes that he has no clue what the hell he's talking about which shoots all chance of calming down straight to Hell. And unlike the first half of the movie where Justine is a depressed wreck, in this situation of waiting for the Earth to end (and being single thanks to her antics), Justine actually manages to keep a cool head on her shoulders strangely enough. She understands the gravity of the situation, but she just doesn't give a shit. In her mind, the Earth is something which isn't worth saving and is filled with evil. So why mourn?

The visuals in Melancholia are easily some of the best visuals I have seen in 2011. The opening, silent scenes depicting the destruction that will ensue with the end of the world are absolutely breathtaking. You just watch in amazement as something so horrible, yet so beautiful takes place before your eyes. It almost doesn't even feel real. And no shit, it's a movie. But still...you can't believe what you're seeing on the screen.

Performances are another area in which Melancholia shines. Kirsten Dunst easily delivers her best performance to date as Justine. Nothing seems contrived or overacted with her performance, homegirl is perfect as a depressed person. Though at times, her antics easily rub you the wrong way, Kirsten Dunst is so effective at portraying inner sorrow and despair that you almost feel bad for her, even when she's screwing everything up for everyone else around her. Charlotte Gainsbourg is easily another stand-out here. The Academy should award both of these women with a Oscar nomination this year. Charlotte's scenes alone with Claire losing her cool and breaking down on screen are some of the most depressing scenes I've seen in a movie in a while and easily should lock her in the "Best Supporting Actress" category. Which probably means she won't get nominated considering I want her and Kirsten to receive those nominations. Fuck.

Melancholia is a beautiful, insightful, and thought provoking movie about depression. The ideas displayed about Justine and Claire with their emotions and actions left me thinking about this movie long after it was over. Let me throw my two cents in about what I think the movie was about; I think the theme was that those who are more inclined to feel depression already feel like the world is ending, so when it did end, it was almost like a giant weight was released off their shoulders. Melancholy is something unavoidable despite your best efforts and can take over you at any time. Those who try to be happy will feel more affected by sadness then those who already live in their own state of doom and gloom. That crisis isn't as detrimental and destructive when you already feel like you're carrying the entire world on your shoulders. One felt that the world was ending in a figurative sense while the other felt it was ending in a literal sense. Isn't it depressing that we really will never know the correct meaning of what this movie meant to portray? Sad. Sad. Sad.

4/4

The Muppets

The plot: A puppet named Walter lives with his brother Gary (Jason Segel) in a place called Smalltown. They have both been fans of the Muppets since they were young and when Gary and his girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) plan to go to Los Angeles for their anniversary, they realize it is a great time to go see Muppet Theater. Once they get there though, things aren't looking too good as they realize that the only way the Muppets can get Muppet Theater back is if they all put on a big show to raise $10 million before Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) can destroy the theater for good.

The good: There's so many good things about The Muppets. One of the first I will mention is the music. I think it's safe to say you will easily leave this movie with at least one song stuck in your head until death. My personal favorites were "Life's a happy song", "Party of one", and a grand finale song of "Mahna Mahna" performed by the entire cast. The music is so catchy and fun, even the biggest anti-Muppet moviegoer will find it hard to resist the charm of the score.

Another surprising thing about The Muppets is the amount of wit and humor throughout, The Muppets is actually quite hillarious. There's a lot of sight gags with the Muppets that will keep the kids (and even adults) entertained but there's a lot of tongue in cheek humor that is quite refreshing to see in a children's movie. Characters will mention songs right after they're done singing them, they will cue for a "manical laughter", stop their conversations to let the audience know that was an important plot point and even mention the budget of the movie. There's a particularly humorous scene when Kermit is mentioning how he doesn't think the Muppets will get back together, leading one character to exclaim, "Well I guess this is gonna be a short movie". Witty stuff.

Jason Segel and Amy Adams were the perfect choices for the leads as well, I couldn't picture anyone else replacing either of them. What, with Jason Segel's love of singing and very adolescent-like nature and Amy Adams' ability to play the happiest mofo you will ever meet (see Enchanted for further proof if you don't believe me...this chick is happy). A lot of celebrities make cameos at the end which is pretty stellar to see as well. They actually put Jack Black in a role that I liked him in.....color me shocked. :O

The bad: As much as I love being a Debbie Downer...I actually can't think of a noticeable negative to say about this movie. Wow.

The gist: The Muppets is a delightful, irresistible, adorable movie for moviegoers of all ages. The music is catchy, the performances are wonderful, it does a classic group proud and will easily be welcomed back by any fan of The Muppets. It's just an awesome movie for the whole family to watch, and how many movies these days can say that? Not many. There's your answer. Done.

3/4

Mirrors

I really wonder if a single coherent thought goes through people's heads when movies like Mirrors are created. Seriously. Not only it is totally dull, badly acted, written, and contains shitty effects...it doesn't make one bit of sense!

So in Mirrors, a security guard (Kiefer Sutherland) monitors a burned down building that still has a ton of mirrors present. Ok..... So I guess the demon follows him home or something and begins killing everyone around him in order to send the message that the demon wants the girl that it was orginally possessing. If the demon can jump from mirror to mirror, why can't it just go get the girl all by itself? I don't get it. But then again, neither did the director considering THE DEMON USES PUDDLES TO GET PEOPLE. I kid you not. It defies the movie's own stupid logic and goes through puddles. The best is the ending though. The security guard pretty much gets killed and is now stuck in the mirror world. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So if you go to the mirror world after you die, why couldn't someone before him warn him about this shit? The whole movie is so rickety.

The effects and lack of scares are another big problem. Every kill is so cheesy and lame you can smell the computer buttons being pushed a mile away. Nothing looks authentic at all, reducing any chance there is of scares being present. There's one cool death scene with Amy Smart from Rat Race and even that gets a bit...ridiculous. If you've watched one preview, you already know how it's gonna go down. And that part isn't even scary! Nothing in this movie is scary. It's pretty much about killer mirrors hahahahaha. It's just a boring movie with really not much to it. They try and throw in some shitty reasoning as to why the demon is going crazy but it's all just too dumb to really take seriously.

And Kiefer Sutherland is such a bore as the lead. When he's not screaming like he's singing opera he just looks bored out of his mind. Like he's wishing that the mirrors would come kill him sooner so he wouldn't have to be involved in this shit any longer. I feel your pain buddy. And so does anyone else that gets duped into watching this 90 minute toxic piece of trash.

0/4

The Mist

Like most creature features, The Mist is a movie that demonstrates that there is something out there worse then a monster hellbent on destroying the world. People. People are a million times worse than any creature could ever be. The Mist is one of the most pessimistic and melancholy movies about the attitude of mankind with survival that I have seen in a while.

Fortunately, The Mist is also one of the best horror movies of 2007. First off, the performances are so much fun. Thomas Jane is perfect as the role of David, a dad that will get his badass on in order to protect those he loves. Marcia Gay Harden is the biggest highlight in the film though, a total showstealer as Mrs. Carmody, a religious fanatic that will sacrifice anyone at the drop of a hat in order to sustain her own life. Also worthy of mentioning is Frances Sternhagen as Irene, an old bitty that's still as wise and sharp as any of the younger victims.

The Mist is great at sustaining tension as well. The best moments in the movie are actually the ones in which very little is happening. Just viewing the hopless looks of terror on the characters' faces as they are aware of what's going on around them is more tense and dramatic then any scene where the monsters are on screen. Even scarier is what these people will do in order to survive. Sacrifice is as present as ever. Really shows how fucked up people are in general. Which is the scariest thing ever.

Unfortunately though, the CGI isn't as strong as the rest of the movie. When the creatures are on screen, many of them take away from the horror in the situations. The CGI is really cheap and lame, it's almost hard to take them seriously as there's really no element of fright with these monsters.

And last, but certainly not least...THE ENDING. Easily one of the biggest downers in recent movie history. I personally loved it. I get sick of seeing every movie end happily. This one sure as fuck doesn't.

The Mist is a solid horror movie that is worth viewing by any horror geek. Just don't expect the words happily ever after to come to mind by the time it's done.

3/4

May

People suck, so why not just tear off the best parts of them and create the perfect best friend? This is the general idea of the lead character May, played by Angela Bettis like a pro.

May actually has an interesting premise. Unlike most movies, she doesn't want to murder these people just for the sake of a bloodbath. She wants to murder them in order to create the perfect companion. Someone that won't freak out over little things like getting off on blood or someone that won't kick you out for a hooker with legs to kill for. Sounds fair enough right?

Despite the cool idea and some creepy scenes (pretty much every scene with that damn, fucking doll), May never really takes off in the way that it should and kinda wastes some of its' potential.

The problem that holds May back from being excellent, is that it just doesn't do enough. You know from the start that May is batshit crazy, so it gets irritating when the movie takes forever to actually...get her crazy. There's one too many scenes of May just doing absolutely nothing but staring....and doing absoutely nothing else. You know she's thinking no good, so why does the movie always seem to be one step behind?

May is a decent, well-acted, filler horror movie that doesn't deliver behind the cool storyline. It's a bit too slow and clunky to really take off and become a horror classic.

2/4