Bride of Chucky

I've always been a big fan of the Child's Play series. I think all of them (with the exception of part 3) are tons of fun and they balance comedy and horror quite well. I was quite pleased with this one, as it easily rose above the last entry and was the beginning of one of my favorite recent additions to the Child's Play cast; Jennifer Tilly. I think she's tons of fun and a blast to watch in these movies as she really maintains the level of energy and camp that a movie about a 3 foot killer doll really requires.

Bride of Chucky picks up a few years after the third began, as Chucky reunites himself with an old flame named Tiffany. And through a miscommunication or two, Tiffany is killed and turned into a doll as well. Neither of them want to remain in doll form, and they have quite the potential opportunity to fix this through Jade and Jesse (Katherine Heigl from Knocked Up and Nick Stabile). They follow this couple, leaving a pile of bodies behind the couple at every step.

Bride of Chucky is cinematic eye candy and when done correctly, it can be quite satisfying. There's nothing Oscar worthy about anything in this movie at all, and everyone is aware of that, hence the success in the delivery. The performances are just the right amount overexaggeration, there's little jabs at other horror movies that will please the diehard blood fans, there's tons of bloody murders that occur quite frequently. All of the elements are here to make fans have a helluva of a great time.

3/4



Jeepers Creepers 2

"Once is a blessing, twice is a curse" is not only a very humorous, though often true saying for having more than one child, this can also be used for having more than one entry in a series. Jeepers Creepers 2 is a complete fail and it's still a mystery to this day as to why it was invented.

Jeepers Creepers 2 stars Ray Wise, as Jack Taggart, a father who is hellbent on getting revenge on "The Creeper" for taking away his son. Oh, and during all of this, a schoolbus full of teenage athletes, their coaches, and their bus driver are stuck in the middle of nowhere while The Creeper hunts them down. And I guess there's a psychic whose having visions about Darry from the first movie after he's been killed warning everyone to stay away from The Creeper. And no, I'm not making this shit up.

The only reason I'm not giving this movie an F is just based on the pure hillarity of the whole thing. The performances are terrible, the story is air thin, there's more scares in an episode of Rugrats, but it blows so hard it almost loops back around to being completely hillarious. Nothing can be taken seriously the entire time as the entire movie feels like a big blooper. I can't think of one scene that's even remotely chilling but I can name about 10 that made me laugh my ass off. It's just a shame no one informed the director on how comical Jeepers Creepers is from beginning to end.

1/4





House at the End of the Street

Still to this day wondering who the Fuck JLaw pissed off to get placed into this movie. That is one powerful person. 

0/4

When a Stranger Calls

Adding another notch onto the belt of unnecessary remakes is When A Stranger Calls, a complete waste of time that fails to provide any merit from beginning to end. If it ain't broke don't fix it is a pretty good rule to go by. Not if it's kinda loose, rip it apart and shred it, considering I didn't even find the original to be that amazing either.

When A Stranger Calls is a pretty basic story based on the classic urban legends about babysitters and the stalkers that pursue them. Hot young thing (Camilla Belle) is babysitting children and is stalked by a stranger who just happens to be making all of his calls from inside the same house where she's at. Providing character names for movies like this is quite pointless considering they might as well all have been named Jane Doe.

Keeping a movie at a PG-13 rating can sometimes be a challenge for movies to provide the horror without all the guts and gore that R-rated movies provide. But it has been done, Hell, just look at movies like The Others, The Ring, The Sixth Sense, The Skeleton Key, etc. So there's not really much justification for the complete lack of pulse in When A Stranger Calls. Not only do you not see any of the murders (you see a tiny bit of aftermath), but you don't see any sign that indicates this movie was supposed to be intended as a horror film. Hell, there was scarier shit in Scary Movie, and that at least had the decency to be funny as well. Nothing in When A Stranger Calls is remotely original, unpredictable, or chilling. It's as stale and terrifying as expired milk.

And here's another thing that pisses me off about movies like this. They completely blow from beginning to end without any entertainment or reason to keep going, but to make matters WORSE, they throw on some obligatory, thrown together ending to insinuate that a possible sequel could be on the way. And what a terrible signal that sends out.

0/4

Intruders

Intruders is a poorly delivered joke. And I mean that in the nicest way possible (though I certainly wouldn't call it a very good movie at all). I would compare the Intruders to a joke that starts out with a good premise, but by the time the person is done telling it...the joke has been running forever with such a poor delivery that it's impossible to have interest by the end. Intruders is like watching a good idea fall down the stairs and end up with a broken neck.

Intruders stars Clive Owen as John, a father whose daughter is having horrific nightmares about a faceless monster looking to steal her face. Simultaneously, in another country, a little boy is also having similar nightmares about this monster that's coming to get them. But what do the two children have in common? As the movie unfolds, the least that can be said, is that these two children have more similarities than they would have ever imagined, and that this monster named "Hollowface" is targeting them for a specific reason.

Like I said, Intruders had good potential. There's an intriguing premise behind this movie and I must admit fo a while, I was actually quite curious to see where it would go. Unfortunately, watching this movie for excitement and thrills is like running through mud to improve your speed. So many flat and lifeless scenes are thrown on in this movie, it seems more like your watching a Lifetime movie's deleted scenes as opposed to a real movie. There never seems to be any present terror here and the movie is unsuccessful at delivering any type of menace at all. Add on an uninspired and cliched ending, and performances that all feel like the actors were on complete auto-pilot the entire time, and you have a movie that warrants a giant alarm to go off before the opening credits roll.

1/4

The Skeleton Key

Really deserved a bigger following and that ending pulls 0 punches. 

3/4

Piranha 3DD

I get bored with shit easily so I'm going to temporarily start up a new format called P.I.G.S. Which stands for;

P. Plot

I. Introduction of opinions

G. Good stuff

S. Shitty stuff

Let's try this out! :)

P- It's been about a year since the piranhas invaded Lake Victoria and they're back for more flesh. Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) comes back for the Summer to check on the progress of her water park, which has now been turned into a tits, booze, and water infested playground by her stepdad (David Koechner). He comes up with the bright idea of draining the lake's water for the theme park, giving the piranhas a direct extension to a buffet of Maddy, her fellow employees, and all of the park's guests.

I- I'll just summarize it easily, I think Piranha 3DD is easily one of the worst movies of 2012. There's very little (if any) redeeming factors here. It's really like watching a 90 minute beer commercial if the chicks got naked and then murdered at the end of it. How the franchise has two movies to its' name is a mystery and if this franchise expands into a third movie, then piranhas should just be let loose into the theater to end moviegoers' misery.

G- Like I've mentioned before, the good is very small in this movie. I will say that minus signing up for this movie, Danielle Panabaker actually gets out of this movie the least unscathed, as she's probably the only performer that shouldn't be sent to the Razzies ASAP after finishing this movie. Hmm, it's also quite bloody as well. How the murders are done, I'll discuss in a different paragraph but hey....Kool-Aid/blood ftw. And I can't lie, hearing the line, "Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina", was a guilty, if very slight humorous moment of this movie. A scene with a surviving character from the original movie did provide some fun as well.

S- First off, the acting....oh God, where to begin. The performances range from God-awful to, "Your mother is screaming in her grave due to what you're doing", and sadly most of them fall in the latter category as opposed to the former. The death scenes are painfully fake as well, the piranhas look like action figures, you can smell the plastic off the fake limbs that are thrown everywhere, and like I said....Kool-Aid blood all-around. And the story is an exact copy of the original, which was already as substantial as a piece of thread. The movie tries to throw comedy and horror in the blender to mix and ends up about as appetizing as a protein shake. Do yourself a favor and avoid this movie like the main stars avoid clothing.

0.5

1/4