Monsters University

   There's nothing more disappointing then a lackluster Disney Pixar movie. And sadly, despite some merits, Monsters University will leave you with a feeling, "Did this really need to be made?".

What's up? Monsters University is the prequel to Monsters Inc, it takes place during the days of Mike and Sullivan in college when they weren't the best of friends, in fact for a good duration of the movie they can't stand each other. There's also a dean of students out to get them, and a competition amongst other groups in the school in a Hunger Games like battle to determine who is the scariest group of monsters in school.

What's good? As always, Pixar delivers with the visuals in this film. Monsters University is just as physically attractive as the first entry, the colors are great, the movie is filled with tons of life and animation and I love the details given to each of the monsters. The creators even manage to make the universities look as realistic as possible, no easy feat when making a movie full of monsters.

I enjoyed the vocal performances as well. Billy Crystal & John Goodman have the same amount of life and energy as they did in Monsters Inc, they're having a blast and despite the actors not being seen together, they give their monsters a great sense of chemistry. Helen Mirren as their tight-ass dean also gives some good effort, delivering her lines with all the sinister pow you would need.

What the fuck? The biggest issue with Monsters University is that comparisons to Monsters Inc are inevitable, and in that case, Monsters University comes up short in every way. This entry feels about 10,000 times less creative, funny, and heartwarming then the first one. I just couldn't help but really question the need for a second entry, at times this really feels like it shouldn't have been released in theaters. There's just not a ton of reason why this needs to exist minus an opportunity at snagging some more cash.

Also unlike Monsters Inc, this entry clocks in at about 104 minutes and really doesn't seem like it should have been that long. There's just a sense of mediocrity throughout, I feel like the creators weren't trying as hard with this movie as they did with Monsters Inc.

Overall Monsters University is far from a bad movie, but considering the hype and the magic that was Monsters Inc, it really needed to be a lot stronger. Some beautiful animation and humorous scenes doesn't make up for an overall feeling of mediocrity and "I don't think this needed to be a sequel sequelitis" that many sequels/prequels fall under. Time to hit the books harder next time guys.

2/4

Last Exorcism Part II

         When watching Last Exorcism Part II, I came to the conclusion that Ashley Bell is quite the talented actress. Now if she could stop appearing in movies that feel like total punishment produced by Satan himself, more people might take note of her.

What's up? Ashley Bell continues her role as Nell, a scarred individual trying to recover from the first film's haunting (*andterriblyboringcoughcough*) events. The second she begins to start heading into a normal direction for her life, making friends, getting a job, and finding a possible love interest, everything turns to shit as the demon who possessed her the first time is far from done with her.

What's good? Ashley Bell is clearly the highlight of this movie. She's one of the few who commits to her role and actually makes her character likeable and rootable. It's not even close in quality to anyone reaching her success in this movie.

One other detail I appreciated was the slight twist of an ending. To say things end less then magical is an understatement. For once a PG-13 movie doesn't take the wimpy way out and end like a fairytale.

What the fuck?  For an 88 minute movie, The Last Exorcism will make you feel trapped. There's such little going on here this feels like a commercial about the detoxification of possession as opposed to an actual movie. You're begging for something to happen and nothing does until the last 15 minutes.

To say The Last Exorcism is slow is putting it nicely, you're watching Nell throughout, seeing opportunities for frights but the film never shoots for any of them. It wimps out when it really counts and you're left wondering what could have been.

Everyone orbiting around Nell is a big issue. None of the characters are given any type of dimension or personality it's virtually impossible to give a shit about any of them and I can't even remember what any of their names were. The performances feel terribly bland overall, it's the Nell show with 0% interest given to anyone playing a side character or antagonist to her.

Overall The Last Exorcism is a ridiculously dull and unnecessary sequel with no frights, fun, or humor. A good lead performance and an ending which does spark a bit of interest can't resurrect a movie that's just bland as sin.

1/4

Movie 43

Lately I've been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that movie stars have a blast. They attend parties with tons of other stars at huge mansions with copious amounts of alcohol. And the ones that drink the most are then convinced into signing onto movies like Movie 43, a movie so goddawful you would swear you were dreaming.

What else would cause Halle Berry to show her face here? To have Hugh Jackman play a man with testicles attached to his neck? To have Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber play parents who sexually harrass their child? To have *insert name doing insert unfunny material from any given skit into this section*. It's embarassing when your funniest skit involves aforementioned parents coming onto child, the worst skit being the after credits act about Elizabeth Banks, Josh Duhamel, and his animated cat who is having sexual fantasies about him. You did not read that last sentence incorrectly.

There's no surprise here that a movie that uses ignorance in its' skits for humor comes off as so damn stupid and immature. I've seen many movies in my 20 years of life and I can't recall one right now that is more cringeworthy, pointless, or unfunny as Movie 43.

-10,000/4

Hansel & Gretel

Hansel & Gretel is such an epic disaster that it makes the controversy of 2012 with the end of the world feel like child's play in comparison. And I can almost guarantee that this also caused more people to fall into depression as well.

The sheer visuals of HAG (for short) is easily one of the biggest turn-offs in the movie. You would swear someone created this movie with a crayon or a video game program. Everything looks ridiculously fake, this is easily some of the most laughable fake blood use in a recent horror movie and every monster was clearly meant to resemble a muppet. Scenes of the antagonists stirring up trouble and terror just come off as pure comedy due to the cheap looks and ridiculously awful makeup.

If there was one ounce of life within any of these performances within the 80 minute time frame (trust me, I counted), I sure as hell missed it. Both of the leads that play Hansel & Gretel feel terribly wooden and as lively as the monsters they're killing. Famke Janssen seems awfully embarassed in her scenes as well, can't say I blame her considering that the previously mentioned awful makeup and looks hit her character the hardest.

Maybe it was the characterization to blame for the actors' bland portrayals. There must have been some real black magic at work when writing this movie, no one is given anything interesting or exciting to do. The leads seem terribly bored with ridiculously cringeworthy dialogue, the villians lack menace, even the frightened townspeople don't sound frightened

Never in my life would I imagine complaining that an 80 minute movie is about 60 minutes way too long but for fuck's sake. About 10 minutes in you realize things are going downhill and what's worse is when they slide downhill from that downhill. There's no story here whatsoever, minus Hansel & Gretel killing witches in tedious action scenes there's nothing going on. No fun, no thrills, no surprises, no twists, no reason to give a shit. In a scene towards the ending a monster exclaimed, "I want your brains", which lead me to question if there were any used during the creation of this disaster.

Like a real fairytale, Hansel & Gretel makes you question if what you're taking in is real, but sadly for all the wrong reasons. Just like the candy house in the beginning of the movie (sadly, the only non-cringeworthy scene), Hansel & Gretel will make you sick.

0/4

Now You See Me


If I had a magic wand, I would zap the shit out of Now You See Me's editing, a flaw which really knocks down a movie I felt was pretty solid otherwise.

It certainly has the star power to achieve excellence. Jesse Eisenberg, Isla Fisher, Dave Franco, and Woody Harrelson star as the Four Horsemen, magicians with an unusual power to reward their audiences with boatloads of money. Mark Ruffalo leads the FBI investigation determined to expose the thieves with Morgan Freeman along for the ride providing hints as the movie goes further and further. Everyone's having a blast here and it shows.

The visuals here are top notch, though there's clearly no shadow of doubt that the stunts aren't authentic, you would certainly have a hard time believing that as the tricksters are working their magic (their first act is easily the most impressive). The look of Now You See Me alone is worth viewing.

Sadly, that magic and sparkle could have been applied to the editing and progression as the story wraps up. So much action, so much chasing, so much fighting, and yet the grand twist is wrapped up before you can say ta da, and there's an obligatory romantic subplot which easily could have disappeared all together. I can't see I saw the twist coming but half-assing the motivation of the mystery mastermind would have made the twist even stronger. If there would have been a bit more tightening in the editing and a bit of cutting out on everything else, Now You See me would have left a more magical impact then it does in the end.

2/4

The Purge

There's nothing worse then a movie with good potential and an interesting idea that just doesn't use the potential correctly. The Purge had a solid chance of being outstanding but instead, the movie shoots for lazy and ordinary, never reaching the potential of the interesting concept.

What if, for one day a year, all crime was legal? Would you participate? Based on the movie's events, 9 years from now, all crime will be legal for exactly 12 hours with no police or any interference in the way. Apparently doing this will knock down crime rates, poverty, and homelessness. Ethan Hawke plays James, an alarms system developer who makes his living based off other people's fear and desperation to survive. During this year's purge though, a homeless man is allowed inside by James' son, attracting a group of killers who will do whatever it takes to get their target back to them.

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One strength that The Purge has going for it, ironically enough, is that before the purge begins, the material is actually quite chilling. The opening scenes are brutally realistic and the choice of peaceful music adds a perfect contrast to making these scenes even more frightening. Watching the neighbors speak of this in anticipatement and sharpen their weapons for the night's events are scenes far stronger then anything that happens once the purge actually begins. If the movie had stayed this strong it really had a great shot at being stellar.

However, once the purge begins, shit hits the fan, and not just for all of the leads being attacked, the viewers aren't avoiding this either. The Purge begins to drag once the action takes place. At times, the movie starts venturing into a weird Hunger Games/The Strangers lovechild territory which really hurts its' chances of succeeding considering both of those movies were much stronger. It takes forever for The Purge to move from one idea to the other, it's a 90 minute movie that moves like a corpse without any surprises or thrills along the way.

One of the most disappointing things in The Purge is how many missed opportunities are present. There's an odd, and very unneeded subplot with Ethan Hawke's daughter and her boyfriend that is ended before it even has started. They go through so much shit to protect this homeless man and you never find out anything about him besides being homeless. And all of the action scenes feel like a ridiculously broken record. There's only so many times someone can almost be killed just to be saved with a second to spare by another family member that just popped into frame before the material just feels stale. And what's worse is none of the performers excluding Rhys Wakefield, as the leader of the killers with a joker like-smile and menace to match seem to really be giving it their all here. It's hard to give a shit about any of these paper thin characters.

The Purge had an interesting concept but instead of exploring this, we're treated to nonstop tedium and typical, bland action scenes. It had all the potential to be a stellar thriller about humans' animal-like instincts and love of violence but instead the whole thing comes crashing down as easily as the family's house.

2/4

Side Effects

Trying to explain Side Effects and all of the events that occur would be like trying to accurately describe a hallucination to someone. It's bizzare, at times it steers in about 10,000 directions, there's a twist every 5 minutes. You would swear you're watching the newest episode of The Twilight Zone in the last half. And that's a big part of its' strange as fuck appeal, Side Effects is a cinematic theme park.

Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) stars as Emily, a depressed young woman whose life was shattered when her husband Martin (Channing Tatum) was arrested after their wedding. He's now being released and based on her decision to drive her car into a brick wall, it's safe to say that she's not taking this well. Once admitted into a mental hospital, she meets Dr. Jonathan Banks (Jude Law), a psychiatrist who after discussing her situation with her former doctor played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, decides to give her a new type of drug called Ablixa. This pill gives off all the normal side effects of common medication; happiness, raise in energy, sex drive, and murder. Someone must be held responsible for the murder, and the rest of the movie delves into the case of who is to blame.

None of this would have worked if the cast wasn't fair game, luckily all are putting their best foot forward. Jude Law and Catherine Zeta-Jones excude a calm, confident demeanor as the doctors with everything to lose in the case. Channing Tatum is solid in his very, very limited role as Emily's concerned and clearly oblivious husband. Rooney Mara is a powerhouse as Emily, this is her movie. Every scene with her captivates your attention, you never know what's going on in her mind, to the credit of Mara, she always captures your intrigue and attention.

I was quite impressed by the look of Side Effects as well. Earlier, I compared Side Effects to an episode of The Twilight Zone, and I feel that could be attributed to the visual style. There's something very unreal about the way Side Effects was filmed, it almost feels like someone's trippy nightmare at times. It really adds to the tone and the mystery going on from beginning to end.

Many seem to have been disappointed with the way Side Effects ended, count me as a fan for this one. There's about 10,000 twists that you won't see coming, I feel that this is the type of movie you will get something different out of it the more times you watch it. I love how Steven Soderbergh decided to hell with just one surprise towards the end, instead you get 50.

Side Effects is a bizzare and surprising movie. It's one that is easily love it/hate it without much middle ground. If you choose to jump on board, you'll love the direction, the entertaining performances and the pace that definitely picks up and keeps momentum from beginning to end. I say go for it and embrace the cinematic high for all you can.

3/4