The Children

It's not exactly a mystery that children are generally regarded as a big pain in the ass, but The Children depicts this in a whole different way that is rarely seen; children turning on their parents. The Children is an effective horror movie about what happens when your offspring want you to disappear...for real.

Two sets of parents bring their younger children, and one teenage daughter up to the mountains for Christmas vacation. The younger children soon develop flu/cold-like symptoms all at once, and once the sickness kicks in...they'll want a little bit more then chicken noodle soup, turning on their parents and planning their demises the entire way.

One of the best things about The Children is the subtleties. The Children isn't a horror movie with back to back gruesome death scenes (though there are a few of those spread throughout), but what's most frightening about The Children is just the simple idea of it. How would you deal with a child that wanted nothing more than to see your head on a platter? Would you be able to strike them down or would your parental instincts forbid this action in your head? The Children answers these questions and more about the nature of evil children in a very chilling manner.

The Children is a solid horror movie that will capture and keep your attention from beginning to end. Though the idea of evil children (The Omen, Orphan, Wicked Little Things) setting highly unlikely and sometimes preposterous traps (Final Destination) for others to fall victim to, The Children sprinkles some freshness in the plot from beginning to end to avoid a "been there, done that" type of feeling that tends to suck the fun and enjoyment out of most other recent horror movies. And it will make you think twice about procreation after viewing this. What's not to love?

3/4



Jack and Jill

Probably one of the few movies I'd ever refer to as an abortion

0/4



Woman in Black

You know those PG-13 horror movies that give horror movies a bad name? The ones that take the 2-3 scenes that have the most amount of potential to be scary and end up using these on the entire preview. The ones that are so tame you think that they were written by Hannah Montana and her friends. The ones that not only avoid bloodshed but any types of thrills as well. I just summarized Woman in Black perfectly, a dull, tedious, worthless horror movie that never should have hit the screens.

Following his massive Harry Potter success, Daniel Radcliffe stars as Arthur Kipps, a lawyer who is sent to a strange village where he discovers that the locals are being terrorized by an ominous prescence. She does ghastly things, spooks the residents, makes their children commit suicide, hides the remote. You know, that type of deal. Will Arthur be able to solve the mystery behind this evil spirit? Why are the locals treating Arthur like such a leper? Why are they all afraid of him? What are they hiding about this evil woman?

To answer most of these questions, a big N/A can be put in the slot. You barely find out jackshit about the woman in black or how she's doing what she's doing. Apparently she lost her kid, and like all parents that lose their children, she is granted the amazing and worthwhile power of making all the kids off themselves. The coolest scene in the movie is the opening with a triple suicide. The rest of it is absolutely downhill from there.

For being a movie advertised as a ghost thriller, there's very little thrills and not even enough ghosts in this one. About 90% of the movie is Daniel Radcliffe walking around an empty house only to have things bang, clank, and smash around like a fucked up episode of Scooby Doo. The scariest scene after the beginning scene was when a faucet turned on loud and a crow flew through the window. I kid you not. The movie is that desperate for thrills.

There's such a bare amount of material in this movie that I don't even know how it didn't end up as a junky Twilight Zone episode or some shit. There's barely any dialogue for such long periods of time that it's unbearable. The story is no larger than a quantity of material that can be written on a post-it. The ending feels like the director shoved his hand in the trash can, sorted through the trash and resulted in choosing the most unsatisfying and disappointing final scenes possible. You can save $8 by just opening your window tonight. I gurantee that will provide you with more chills and entertainment than anything that Woman in Black can provide for you.

0/4

50/50

When it comes to what I would consider funny, cancer is certainly something I would put at the bottom of the list. It shouldn't be funny. It shouldn't be entertaining. But surprisingly enough, a movie about cancer actually manages to be entertaining and funny. 50/50 is easily one of my favorite movies of 2011.

The plot: Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) finds out he has cancer one day, affecting not only his own life, but the lives of everyone around him. Including his carefree party friend Kyle (Seth Rogen), his unorthodox and free-spirited therapist Katherine (Anna Kendrick), his cheating girlfriend Rachael (Bryce Dallas Howard) and his good-hearted, but paranoid and overbearing mother Diane (Anjelica Houston).

The good: The performances here all-around the board are amazing. I dare say that this is Joseph Gordon-Levitt's best performance to date and I would say the same about Seth Rogen as well. Not one person feels like they're acting in this movie at all, it really does seem like an authentic movie about how people react when they're staring cancer straight in the face, knowing that someday it will take their last breath out of them.

50/50 also has authenticity on its' side. Most directors would probably throw in some slapstick or cheesy humor to keep the mood light, but oddly enough, 50/50 doesn't need to do that to get humor from the material. It can be quite depressing and in a matter of moments, quite hillarious as well. 50/50 uses these less than fortunate situations about cancer and disease and actually is able to get some humor out of them without having to resort to cheap humor or any bullshit like that.

50/50 actually feels quite original as well. It keep me entertained and though many movies have dealt with diseases before, I was actually entertained and eager to see how this one would play out. Will Adam live or die? Will he stay with his adulterous girlfriend or the therapist whose strong interest to keep things professional will possibly damper their relationship? 50/50 gives you the answers to these situations in a way that you almost don't see coming.

The bad: I really don't have much to say about 50/50 that's bad, but I guess the movie could have been a tad shorter. Like, maybe 10-15 minutes shorter. And it wasn't even that big of a deal really.

50/50 is one of the best movies of 2011. It's authentic, it's heartwarming, it's realisitc, the performances are wonderful and powerful, it's funny, and it will keep you entertained from beginning to end. And how many movies about cancer can you say that for?

4/4

The Smurfs

Generally as you would know if you follow my blog, I try to do a paragraph/section dedicating it to all of the good things that I enjoyed about that particular movie, but fuck it. There are so many things wrong with The Smurfs that even finding 4-5 sentences of nice shit to say about it would be a chore that I am too lazy to attempt.

Just like about every other family movie out there with some odd/different character (s), The Smurfs' "plot" is that they somehow manage to fall out of their world and land in NYC, disturbing the lives of Patrick (Neil Patrick Harris) and his girlfriend Odile (Jayma Mays). And like all of these family movies, there's a bad guy that also manages to get out of this strange world, resulting in a cat and mouse chase between the two, the villian in this one being Gargamel (Hank Azaria). Same ol shit, different day.

There's such a little amount of story going on here that I can't even imagining this shit flying in a 30 minute episode of a Smurfs television show. It's so damn bare in terms of plot that it's like taking a shoelace and trying to lasso someone from China with it. It gets old quickly and I can't even imagine children above the age of 5 being entertained by this. Any type of humor, joy, or interest is sucked out as well. This movie feels like it was made on the thoughts of not wanting to make a movie at all. There's nothing present in The Smurfs that doesn't feel totally stock, standard, and devoid of any heart, intrigue, or humor. I feel like everyone involved in this movie was just as blue as the main characters. Then again, can you blame them?

1/4

Horrible Bosses

Why do so many movies resort to turning themselves into feature length sitcoms? Horrible Bosses is the latest movie to follow that trend, about three frustrated workers who all decide that the best way to deal with their terrible bosses (Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, Colin Farrell) is to murder them. They enlist in a local hitman named Mothafucka Jones (Jamie Foxx) to help them work up schemes which will all end up blowing up in their own faces. It has a good premise which has the potential to be hillarious, so it's unfortunate when Horrible Bosses just...isn't that. There's about a handful of hillarious scenes from beginning to end but the rest of the gags just fall flat or are just flat-out embarassing (just about any scene with Jennifer Aniston, what a waste of her talent). The plot doesn't go anywhere so it gets old quick, several talented actors are underused (Kevin Spacey & Colin Farrell), and the movie just wears out its' welcome long before the credits begin to roll. And that is something I would definitely never put on my resume. NEXT.

2/4

The Devil Inside

What is it about? In 1989, Maria Rossi (Suzan Crowley) murdered three people in the process of having an exorcism performed on her. She is then whisked off away to Rome by the Catholic Church in order to help her. Her daughter Isabella (Fernanda Andrade) wants to find out what happened to her, so she goes off to Rome with her director friend Michael (Ionut Grama). While there, they meet up with two local priests named David and Ben (Evan Helmuth and Simon Quarterman) who want to help them cure Maria's mother, but must do it without the church's consent considering how they are on exorcisms.

The good: The Devil Inside actually gets off to a good start. The opening scene of the aftermath of Maria's killing spree is quite chilling. You don't see how she killed the three people which lets your imagination run wild as to how she did it, adding some fright to the scene. I'm glad they didn't show these murders occur onscreen. It really does look like an official crime scene that you would see on the news. Chilling.

Suzan Crowley's short, but effective performance as Maria will leave a mark as well. Though she doesn't get a ton of screen time, she dominates the scenes that she is given. The creepiest scene in the movie is due to her performance when dealing with Isabella in the hospital.

The Devil Inside is quite a short movie actually. Running a time of 87 minutes is something I greatly appreciate. In fact, I would almost say that I wish it was a bit longer. Though I will save those complaints for the part of this review where I bitch my ass off about what sucked in this movie.

The bad: The performances are a big problem in this movie. Every single other performance besides Crowley's is absolutely flat. Scenery outshines and is more captivating then anything these actors are giving in this movie. The performances are half-assed and the screenplay is flat. You really don't give a shit if any of these people live or die.

Despite airing a lot of demonic scenes on the preview, The Devil Inside is actually quite slow. About 3-4 exorcism scenes occur, and granted I did appreciate those, the rest of the movie is ridiculously boring. Nothing happens except bland commentary on the camera as if this were an episode of Real World where the cast came back from the dead. It's not interesting in the least when someone isn't twisting their head around or chanting "Connect the cuts".

THAT FUCKING ENDING. OMFG. LAZIEST ENDING EVER. Sorry about that. But literally, I can almost guarantee that no other movie in 2012 will end worse than this one. It starts getting interesting as the climax raises but then it drops. It would be as if a rollercoaster would be winding up on the biggest hill possible only to reverse slowly and take the riders back to the exit. What a waste of a potentially good finale. It just...ends. Talk about dead.

The lowdown: The Devil Inside is a big disappointment. It has some cool scenes and has one good performance but that's not enough to overcome the lack of originality, interest, excitement and ESPECIALLY a good finale. This movie deals with the spirits ironically enough, that is how I would recommend you to watch this movie. With a good spirit or two that generally follows you around like a puppy after consuming as much alcohol as possible.

2/4