Silent Night

The scene where the old lady ctfd after the killer hands her a few dollars is goals. The whole thing is glorified trash but at least everyone prances instead of wallows through it. 2/4

Ted

Considering Seth MacFarlane's criminally hillarious Family Guy is already pretty uncensored, I was pretty intrigued to see how he would fare with all boundaries being thrown out the window in a feature length movie with all censorship being sent to Hell. It stars Mark Wahlberg as John, an immature pothead with a talking teddy bear named Ted as a best friend a girlfriend named Lori (Mila Kunis) who wants John to grow up and leave his teddy behind. Obvious conflicts occur over what John wants to do for himself as opposed to what Lori wants John to do. Though the movie has the tendency to feel like a stretched 30 min skit and I don't feel that Wahlberg was necessarily the most...humorous as the lead, the material has an undeniable fuck you charm and humor that I enjoyed. Ted has a pretty good balance of nasty, smartass, and pop culture references to give something to people with all different types of sense of humor. Not a bad start for a feature length movie despite the tendency to feel as crammed as a turkey.

2/4

Click

          If you’re going to aim for the gross, at least make sure that it’s funny. If you’re going to go for the heart, at least make the effort feel natural. Failing at both goals will just come off as obnoxious, as presented in Click, a terribly unfunny and ridiculously sappy movie.

Click stars Adam Sandler as Michael, an overworked, overstressed architect who’s quite bored & unhappy with his life. He soon receives an opportunity to change it with a magical remote that has the ability to fast forward, stop, rewind, mute, and slow down the events of his life that he chooses to use them on. At first it seems to be going pretty well as he’s using the remote on trivial things such as muting his boss or using the remote to his favor during sex with his wife Donna (Kate Beckinsale from the Underwold series). After a while though, the remote has a mind of its’ own, coming into play way too often, resulting in Michael watching his own life feel like a matter of seconds as it goes before his very eyes.

                Click is awfully monotonous and flat which is quite surprising considering that though they are rarely amazing, Adam Sandler’s movies are at least somewhat interesting to watch. Click is as interesting as a remote control manual though. There’s nothing you don’t see coming from 10,000 light years away in this movie. Come to think of it, the more I think of it, the more it reminds me of Scrooge actually. With a non-human like factor coming into play to make someone who is unappreciative of their life realize that they shouldn’t be taking it for granted. Except for Scrooge being pretty awesome and Click failing to even hold a candle to it.

                What’s even more offensive about Click is how terribly unfunny the whole thing is. The first half is nothing but bodily functions and cheap sexual jokes that could be invented by any middle schooler, and the second half is just flat-out miserable when Click goes for the heart but just ends up giving you a migraine. It feels so phoned in and contrived that you can almost see the “Lifetime” logo appearing in the corner at some moments. If Click ever comes on your television then run for your remote and hope that it’s magical enough to vaporize the memory of Click from your brain.

0/4

The House Bunny

Anna Faris deserves a best blonde ever Oscar and I said what I said. 

3/4