Straw Dogs

How do gender stereotypes affect men and women today? How important is it for a man to be the brave one and for the woman to be the damsel in distress? What makes us want to change ourselves in order to fit these stereotypes? These are questions that are the underlying ideas in Straw Dogs, an effective yet very scary and well made horror movie.

Straw Dogs stars Kate Bosworth (Blue Crush) and James Marsden (X-Men) as David and Amy, a married couple that moves back into Amy's old house in order to fix it up a bit. They decide to hire a few of the local hicks to help them, led by Amy's old boyfriend Charlie (Alexander Skarsgård from True Blood). At first, things start out okay until the hicks start doing things that most people frown upon; inviting themselves in the house, raiding the fridge, killing Amy's cat, raping Amy while David is away on a hunting adventure, you know...little annoyances like that. Amy tries to deal with these situations in a more agressive manner than David, leading her to believe that David is a big coward and that she pretty much has to be the man in the relationship. But later on in the movie, David will get his chance to wear the pants in the relationship as the local hicks invade David and Amy's house with the intent to hurt anyone in their way.

I think the perfect choices were made in casting Kate Bosworth and James Marsden as the lead roles. Kate Bosworth is pretty stellar as the wife with all of the cojones in the relationship and James Marsden is entirely believable as the husband who is pushed to his breaking point. Oh, and the hicks are pretty creepy as well, there's an air of menace surrounding them the entire movie which works for the characters they are portraying.

Though not a ton of action occurs in the first hour or so, there's a lot of set up which was necessary to understand what was going on in David's head when things hit their worst point; the expectations of his role as the man in the relationship and his need to protect himself and his wife from anything or anyone else. But once he gets the chance to prove this, Straw Dogs becomes a very thrilling horror movie. The ways that he knocks down the hicks are so fucking awesome and badass, props for using a bear trap in a different way than I have ever seen in any other movie. You know what's going to happen but it's a hell of a ride to watch as David and Amy play cat and mouse with the locals.

Straw Dogs works because it provides a source of tension long before the bloodshed (the awesome, awesome bloodshed) hits the screen. The performances are solid in setting up character arcs that will ultimately be defined and changed in later scenes and Straw Dogs has enough menace to keep audiences entertained from beginning to end even when nothing terribly exciting or gruesome is occurring on screen. It's a bit different than the average horror movie hitting theaters these days and it has a good message about gender definitions and how they can be displayed in just one course of action. Straw Dogs is a must see for those who like a bit of story with their displays of blood and violence.

3/4

Melancholia

Depression is a big bitch. It takes over and weighs so much on people that at times it feels like the world is on their shoulders. And that is what Melancholia is about, a movie divided into two equal parts that both depict how depression can affect us in certain situations.

The first half of the movie is all about Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and her husband Michael (Alexander Skarsgard) at their wedding. Justine tries to her utmost abilities to be happy, but can't seem to overcome her crippling depression which renders her into doing quite...unorthodox things such as; urinating on the golf course, taking a bath, isolating herself like she has the plague, and screwing a new associate hired by her boss. Little things like that tend to screw up someone's wedding. This part also shows how everyone orbiting around Justine tries to deal with this possible catastrophe of a wedding. Her sister Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) tries to keep everything together despite feeling many emotions including anger and regret, yet sorrow and empathy towards her sister. Claire's husband John (Kiefer Sutherland) is pretty pissed off considering he paid for the wedding that is now being shot to hell by Justine and her mother Gaby (Charlotte Rampling) being giant sticks in the mud.

The second half of the movie switches things up all together. It focuses on Claire who is anxious, fearful, and clearly depressed about the possibility of a planet named Melancholia destroying the Earth in less than a few days. Her husband tries to reassure her that everything will be okay, but after a while, she even realizes that he has no clue what the hell he's talking about which shoots all chance of calming down straight to Hell. And unlike the first half of the movie where Justine is a depressed wreck, in this situation of waiting for the Earth to end (and being single thanks to her antics), Justine actually manages to keep a cool head on her shoulders strangely enough. She understands the gravity of the situation, but she just doesn't give a shit. In her mind, the Earth is something which isn't worth saving and is filled with evil. So why mourn?

The visuals in Melancholia are easily some of the best visuals I have seen in 2011. The opening, silent scenes depicting the destruction that will ensue with the end of the world are absolutely breathtaking. You just watch in amazement as something so horrible, yet so beautiful takes place before your eyes. It almost doesn't even feel real. And no shit, it's a movie. But still...you can't believe what you're seeing on the screen.

Performances are another area in which Melancholia shines. Kirsten Dunst easily delivers her best performance to date as Justine. Nothing seems contrived or overacted with her performance, homegirl is perfect as a depressed person. Though at times, her antics easily rub you the wrong way, Kirsten Dunst is so effective at portraying inner sorrow and despair that you almost feel bad for her, even when she's screwing everything up for everyone else around her. Charlotte Gainsbourg is easily another stand-out here. The Academy should award both of these women with a Oscar nomination this year. Charlotte's scenes alone with Claire losing her cool and breaking down on screen are some of the most depressing scenes I've seen in a movie in a while and easily should lock her in the "Best Supporting Actress" category. Which probably means she won't get nominated considering I want her and Kirsten to receive those nominations. Fuck.

Melancholia is a beautiful, insightful, and thought provoking movie about depression. The ideas displayed about Justine and Claire with their emotions and actions left me thinking about this movie long after it was over. Let me throw my two cents in about what I think the movie was about; I think the theme was that those who are more inclined to feel depression already feel like the world is ending, so when it did end, it was almost like a giant weight was released off their shoulders. Melancholy is something unavoidable despite your best efforts and can take over you at any time. Those who try to be happy will feel more affected by sadness then those who already live in their own state of doom and gloom. That crisis isn't as detrimental and destructive when you already feel like you're carrying the entire world on your shoulders. One felt that the world was ending in a figurative sense while the other felt it was ending in a literal sense. Isn't it depressing that we really will never know the correct meaning of what this movie meant to portray? Sad. Sad. Sad.

4/4

Carnage

What happens when you take a jump rope and try and stretch it to another country? You're obviously not going to have enough material to fulfill your goal. And that is exactly what is wrong with Carnage, a movie which isn't a movie at all really. Carnage is about two sets of parents who are dealing with a physical fight that their children got into, resulting in one child named Ethan losing two teeth. Zachary's parents (Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz) and Ethan's parents (Jodie Foster and John C. Reilly) try and deal with their dispute in the most calm and mature fashion possible, but soon after, their claws come out.

Carnage just doesn't have enough going on to really be considered as a movie to me. It runs 75 minutes which is certainly a very short period of time, but there's not much going on at all minus the parents and their arguments, so at times, 75 minutes feels like 7,775 minutes. The performances are all pretty solid though, most noteworthy being Christoph Waltz as Zachary's father, who provides a well-needed source of comedic relief and sour indifference. But overall, Carnage just isn't funny or entertaining enough to be recommended by me. If you want to watch a short, but entertaining and hillarious story about people fighting, just turn on an episode of Jerry Springer and skip Carnage all together.

1/4

The Thing

What is it about? Mary Elizabeth Winstead (from Final Destination 3) plays paleontologist Kate Lloyd, who is recruited by a bunch of Norwegian scientists to help them dig up an unidentified specimen beneath the ice. Once they dig up the creature, it escapes and soon after, it is realized that this creature has the ability to morph into its prey soon after killing it. It now becomes a battle of who can be trusted or not considering the thing has the ability to morph into anyone, anywhere, at anytime.

The positives: For starters, I really enjoyed the performances in this one. It's not your typical horror movie where the best performances are the ones that can be described as the least awful, I actually believed everyone in this movie in the roles they were portraying. Mary Elizabeth Winstead continues to impress as well, I've never seen her in a movie where she underwhelmed, and here, she was perfect as the paleontologist made of intelligence and ability to be a big badass when the time comes. I also enjoyed several other performances, including Eric Christian Olsen (who is miles away from toxic movies like Dumb and Dumberer) as the assistant of the doctor who recruits Kate.

The Thing also managed to bring some suspense into the formula. Several scenes of the thing unleashing itself are quite disturbing and I actually wasn't sure about who it was taking over, so when it eventually came out (in an awesome way), I was a bit taken back which is something I think most horror movies are missing these days; an element of surprise. The idea of paranoia that is present throughout is also something which I find quite chilling. The idea of not being able to trust anyone even if it's your family or a friend is something I think everyone finds a bit ominous. This movie plays with that idea pretty well in my opinion.

The bad: I don't really have a ton of negatives about The Thing, but one area I felt The Thing was a bit lacking was in the special effects. At times, it had the looks and feel of a video game and well...I didn't pay $1.50 (Thank god for the dollar theater) to watch someone perform a video game on screen. Granted, watching an alien/spider hybrid jumping out of people isn't something I would call realistic, but still, I would like to see it done as realisticly as possible which is an area I feel that The Thing was lacking a bit at times.

Overall: The Thing is a pretty solid horror movie which I feel isn't a remake that destroys the original. The performances are pretty solid throughout, there's some suspense and surprise that will keep audiences entertained and I enjoyed the theme of paranoia and distrust that the alien made the characters go through as opposed to most movies where it's just, "Chase, Attack, Chase, Attack". It's a thing of a different horror movie class.

3/4

The Human Centipede 2

What is it about? As one killer in an infamous horror movie exclaimed, “Movies don’t create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative”. And that’s the basic premise of The Human Centipede II, which is about a man named Martin (Laurence R. Harvey) who is so infatuated with the original Human Centipede that he decides to create a centipede of his own, this time with twelve people instead of three.

Positives; Well, for one, Human Centipede II easily accomplishes what it sets out to do; shock the audience from beginning to end. Through its dark and dismal use of colors, unsettling and ominous performance lead, and a story that just moves from worse, to really awful, to well….even more awful. I can easily say that I was rattled while watching the HC2 from beginning to end. It just gets worse and worse as time moves on, becoming almost unwatchable by the time that Martin has created his masterpiece. So yes, in terms of pure horror, the Human Centipede 2 is a success.

They really couldn’t have picked a better actor to play Martin either. Seriously, this guy couldn’t get any creepier in terms of looks or actions. I wouldn’t be surprised if the actor in real life celebrated the premiere of this movie by lighting a nunnery on fire. HC2 is unsettling even when he isn’t working with his centipede. The scenes alone with his mother and therapist will give you goose bumps just because you don’t really know what he is going to do next. A fear of the unknown is very prevalent throughout this movie. Not a ton of other actors really get a chance to shine in this movie, though there is an amusing cameo from Ashlynn Yennie as an actress about to receive her most unsettling role yet; an actual participant in the centipede.

Negatives; Though I will definitely say that HC2 is a creepy, disturbing, disgusting, and unforgettable movie, at times I felt like I was watching the world’s grossest one-trick pony. From the opening scenes alone, you get that he is going to replicate the centipede and you comprehend that he is off his rocker. I felt like too many scenes just beat these points into the ground a bit more than needed. Maybe one or two scenes of him ominously looking around, planning his next move, or contently watching the original Human Centipede could have been cut out. And once he is done assembling his centipede, did we really need that many minutes of the centipede moving around with Martin staring at it with love in his eyes? We get it. Dude is in love with his work.

The bottom line; Overall, I would say that the Human Centipede II succeeds in what it sets out to do; shock and disturb the audience with a movie that will stay in your memory for a long ass time. Sure, it’s a bit repetitive and there really isn’t much else to it besides watching a mad man create the project of his dreams, but then again, that was pretty much the point; to demonstrate obsession and possible creation in its sickest and most demented form. And the worst part; it’s probably going to inspire someone out there to take this movie into their own hands. Yeah. Doesn’t that suck ass? Pun intended. 

2/4

Paranormal Activity 3

 Santa read my Christmas letter early this year, well, he read about 1% of it but still, he read it. Some of my biggest complaints about Paranormal Activity 1 and 2 were that the whole thing reeked of a bad YouTube video with amateur performances and a total lack of scares or excitement. Paranormal Activity 3 easily improves in categories, slamming the other two movies into the ground and easily earning the title of best Paranormal Activity movie of the three, for me.

What is this movie about? Paranormal Activity 3 starts off right before the first two movies begin. In 2005, Katie (Katie Featherston) gives her sister Kristi (Sprague Grayden) a box of old videotapes. A year later, someone has broken into Kristi’s house, stealing all of the tapes that Katie gave her sister. We then travel back to 1988, with the young Kristi (Jessica Tyler Brown ) and Katie (Chloe Csengery ) having their first ghostly experiences alongside their mother Julie (Lauren Bittner) and her boyfriend Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith).

The positives: As I mentioned before, Paranormal Activity 3 easily owns the other two movies in terms of scares. This is the first movie of the three where I didn’t feel like the only people who should be afraid of what’s occurring onscreen are those under ten; this one actually is pretty gnarly in terms of frights. One of the ways in which I feel the movie has improved in terms of frights is through the use of the cameras. In this movie, a camera is attached to a moving fan, so slowly but surely, it moves from room to room, making the viewer hold their breath the entire time as to what’s going to be onscreen in the next room. A scene using this trick, involving the babysitter, is so badass and creepy; this scene alone makes Paranormal Activity 3 superior to the other two movies in my opinion. And as for the ending…though I have to disagree with the slogan of, “It will change your life”, I have to admit it was pretty damn excruciating at times. You really don’t know what’s going to happen next and a fear of the unknown is one that a lot of people can admit to. Though, if you have seen the first two, you know what has to happen to a few of the characters, the way in which it occurs will make you jump. Or at least think twice before leaving all the lights on in your house….or visiting a relative. Just saying.

Excluding the scares, Paranormal Activity 3 is also improved because of the improved performances and writing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not expecting anyone in this movie to be receiving a knock on the door from Mr. Oscar anytime soon, but at least it’s not as cringe worthy as trying to watch the cast members in the first two pretend to act like humans. This one is actually pretty tolerable and I must say that the little girls who play Katie and Kristi do a damn fine job in this. I also liked how this movie played with a side of humor that the first two didn’t really explore at all. Paranormal Activity 3 is actually quite funny, most noteworthy being a scene with Dennis’s friend and a particularly risky game of Bloody Mary.

The negatives: Well, for one, if you’ve watched any of the trailers, you’re going to realize that a lot of scenes from them are not in the final movie. Which was kind of disappointing, especially considering some of the potential awesome thrills that could have been had from the Bloody Mary scenes and the scene where one of the girls (I think Kristi) jumped off the railing and ran up the stairs at a speed level that would make athletes eat their hearts out.

 And though the ending is pretty terrifying, I think it could have been planned out a bit better. I don’t want to spoil too much, but the reasoning behind the ghostly force being present isn’t exactly the most satisfactory or original *CoughTheLastExorcismCough*. It moves a bit further away from the paranormal and more into evil cults which well…isn’t what Paranormal Activity isn’t about at all, so it felt kind of strange why the ending needed to take this odd route to the finish line.

Overall though, I was quite pleased with Paranormal Activity 3. Unlike the first two in the series, I actually felt like I was watching a quality horror movie as opposed to a YouTube video where something “unexpectedly” jumps out just as the video is ending. The performances are pretty solid, the writing has improved and brought a more entertaining and fresh perspective to the series, and there’s actually a lot of frightening scenes here which I’m definitely all for. Just please don’t do a part four. I’m dead serious. If I even hear of a part four being made, the idea alone will send a chill down my spine that will make the last 15 minutes of this movie seem like child’s play in terms of pure horror.

3/4

Wrong Turn 4

I kind of wanna give it 2 stars for the lol ending but that would include me forgetting the 92 minutes prior to it

1/4

The Immortals

The plot: The Heraklion King of Crete, Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) starts a war with Olympus after the Gods answer his prayers. He also starts searching for the Epirus Bow, which he intends to use to release the Titans from Mount Tartarus and destroy all of the gods. The only people that have any chance of stopping him are a small group of individuals, mainly the virgin oracle priestess Phaedra (Frieda Pinto) and Theseus (Henry Cavill).

The good: This is a bit hard for me considering I find there to be very little redeeming about Immortals, but I will say the special effects and scenery are certainly worth of honorable mentions. Whoever worked on the effects deserves an Academy award nomination, the locations of the movie are beautiful and though the effects tend to wear out their welcome at the end (this will be mentioned more so in the other column), they are certainly the best thing about this movie. If you are someone who is into the CGI and all that stuff...this is the movie for you.

The bad: Immortals is full of bad. Bad meets bad who cheated on worse. First off, the performances are a big problem here. Henry Cavill is more rigid than the swords he yields as the lied Theseus. There is not one moment of passion or energy throughout any of his scenes. Stiff as a board, he might as well be reading out of a History textbook. And as gorgeous as Frieda Pinto is, her character is pretty pointless as well. She's given nothing to do sadly which I'll blame more on the bad writing than her. Everyone else is just ridiculously overdone here, especially Stephen Dorff as the "comic relief" and Mickey Rourke as the antagonist.

The writing is another huge issue, it's laughable. I've seen more realistic, plausible, and informative dialogue on Spongebob. The characters are paper thin and you don't really understand what's so special about any of them. Isn't Greek mythology all about the grandeur, power, strength, and courage of the people who are involved in the stories? You don't find out anything about any of them, so there's absolutely no reason to care about what's going on with them.

And to make matters worse, Immortals is just boring as hell. It's like a bad knockoff of 300 minus the fun and adding a ton of cheesy dialogue and uninteresting stories. Nothing intriguing happens from beginning to end and the fighting is almost painful to watch by the end. Once you've seen one person get their head bashed off/in, you've seen it all. Only one fight in the movie stood out to me (even though you can barely tell what's going on at times), and you have to wait over an hour and a half to get to it. Talk about payoff.

The gist: Immortals is just a big fail of an action movie about Greek mythology. It takes an interesting subject and sumo wrestles it into the ground, producing a tedious, wooden, poorly acted and written montonous disease that takes forever to end. Playing Halo for 2 hours straight will give you a better payoff than the Immortals; awesome special effects + the ability to be entertained- the need to watch ten dollars fly into the trash quicker than a rat.

1/4

The Muppets

The plot: A puppet named Walter lives with his brother Gary (Jason Segel) in a place called Smalltown. They have both been fans of the Muppets since they were young and when Gary and his girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) plan to go to Los Angeles for their anniversary, they realize it is a great time to go see Muppet Theater. Once they get there though, things aren't looking too good as they realize that the only way the Muppets can get Muppet Theater back is if they all put on a big show to raise $10 million before Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) can destroy the theater for good.

The good: There's so many good things about The Muppets. One of the first I will mention is the music. I think it's safe to say you will easily leave this movie with at least one song stuck in your head until death. My personal favorites were "Life's a happy song", "Party of one", and a grand finale song of "Mahna Mahna" performed by the entire cast. The music is so catchy and fun, even the biggest anti-Muppet moviegoer will find it hard to resist the charm of the score.

Another surprising thing about The Muppets is the amount of wit and humor throughout, The Muppets is actually quite hillarious. There's a lot of sight gags with the Muppets that will keep the kids (and even adults) entertained but there's a lot of tongue in cheek humor that is quite refreshing to see in a children's movie. Characters will mention songs right after they're done singing them, they will cue for a "manical laughter", stop their conversations to let the audience know that was an important plot point and even mention the budget of the movie. There's a particularly humorous scene when Kermit is mentioning how he doesn't think the Muppets will get back together, leading one character to exclaim, "Well I guess this is gonna be a short movie". Witty stuff.

Jason Segel and Amy Adams were the perfect choices for the leads as well, I couldn't picture anyone else replacing either of them. What, with Jason Segel's love of singing and very adolescent-like nature and Amy Adams' ability to play the happiest mofo you will ever meet (see Enchanted for further proof if you don't believe me...this chick is happy). A lot of celebrities make cameos at the end which is pretty stellar to see as well. They actually put Jack Black in a role that I liked him in.....color me shocked. :O

The bad: As much as I love being a Debbie Downer...I actually can't think of a noticeable negative to say about this movie. Wow.

The gist: The Muppets is a delightful, irresistible, adorable movie for moviegoers of all ages. The music is catchy, the performances are wonderful, it does a classic group proud and will easily be welcomed back by any fan of The Muppets. It's just an awesome movie for the whole family to watch, and how many movies these days can say that? Not many. There's your answer. Done.

3/4

Dream House

The plot: Will Atenton (Daniel Craig) moves into a new house with his wife; Libby (Rachel Weisz) and their two children; Dee Dee and Trish. Soon after moving in, their daughters begin to see a strange man lurking around, and after some research, Will finds out that the previous owners will all murdered by someone in their family; Peter Ward. Will begins to think that Peter Ward is back to get his family and the rest of the movie is about his discovery about Peter Ward and who the man lurking around is once and for all.

The good: There's very little redeeming here, so I'm going to have to start grasping at straws.....oh, Naomi Watts (who plays the Atenton's neighbor) and Rachel Weisz perform well here with the bare, minimal material they are given. Seriously...about 20 minutes total of speaking time for the both of them. Way to take the good things and squish them like a family of bugs.

The bad: Oh boy, where the hell do I start? Listing the number of things wrong with this movie is like listing how many rocks are currently residing in the United States. Well, for one...the preview is totally misleading. It makes Dream House look like a scary, entertaining horror movie. The joke is now on you if you believed that shit. Dream House is easily one of the dullest and least chilling horror movies of 2011. Not one scary thing happens and you're more likely to give yourself goosebumps by cleaning underneath your fridge.

Daniel Craig is also a big reason why I feel this movie drowns. He delivers such a bland and monotone performance. His voice never changes and there's never any sense of danger or peril in the way he behaves. Even in later (supposed to have been) emotional scenes where he finds out the true discovery of Peter Ward (which isn't surprising in the least if you have watched the trailers) lack any sort of emotion or passion at all. It's as if we're watching a movie about someone two days after they received a lobotomy.

And the twist? Well, I'll ruin it for the two people on Earth who haven't seen the trailer. HE IS PETER WARD and his family is all dead. Yeah, big surprise. Even if you haven't seen the trailers, the clues to this discovery are about as difficult to find as the clues in an episode of Scooby Doo. Plus, this twist has been done several other times in better movies with better finishes (The Uninvited, Shutter Island, The Others). At one point, someone even looks at "Will" and says, "He's back!". How is that not obvious? After he discovers this, there's another lame twist about who else has insidious intentions, but by that point you don't really give a shit considering the 90 minutes of soap opera disguised as a horror movie that you've been forced into watching.

Logic is another aspect of good filmmaking that takes a flying leap out the window here. If Peter Ward was innocent and they had no proof to lock him up, why was he there in the first place? What made them think he did it if there was no proof? Why didn't anyone else investigate the crime to see if he wasn't guilty? Why would people who were trained to work with crazy people allow someone to make up an entire other life with completely different names? Why did it take him 5 years to get out? Why didn't someone else tell him that he was Peter Ward? Seriously, the people in this movie act like such idiots just to get the plot to barely move from beginning to end.

The lowdown: Dream House is an absolutely terrible movie from start to finish. It's dull and thrilless, the main star is someone with the urgency of a potato, the twist is easy to figure out, and it's been done so many times that the neat twist started many years ago by The Sixth Sense has now been flattened to a pancake thanks to movies that take the formula of a ghost horror movie and flush it down the cinematic toilet. Next time anyone involved in this movie decides to make another horror movie of equal quality...just say the butler did it.

0/4

Just Go with It

You know how movies advertised as romantic comedies generally lead people into thinking there's a sense of romance or even some humor? Well, those people will have the rug pulled out from under them in Just Go with It, a movie that miraculously manages to contain not even 1% of comedy or romance.

Danny (Adam Sandler) is a dickhead who pretends he's in an awful marriage in order to attract other women. His latest conquest; Palmer (Brooklyn Decker) is totally into him...until she finds his ring. In order to trick her into thinking everything is okay, he has his receptionist; Katherine (Jennifer Aniston) pretend to be divorcing him and has her children go along with his stupid story in order to make her think that everything is okay. After the group eventually ends up in Hawaii, Katherine runs into an old frenemy; Devlin (Nicole Kidman), where she tries to convince her that she and Danny are a happy couple.

One of the basic problems with Just Go with It is that it's so ridiculously unfunny at times it's painful to watch. Not one laugh worthy moment in its' entire almost TWO HOUR LENGTH. Literally. Nothing is funny. The script is awful and the things that come out of the main characters' mouths, especially Danny's cousin; Eddie (Nick Swardson) are absolutely absurd that anyone on planet Earth would find this shit funny. Even Jennifer Aniston's charisma is totally flushed down the toilet based on the completely charmless and humorless things she is forced to say.

And seriously, isn't this like Adam Sandler's 10000th movie about some type of amateurish and contrived attempt to avoid commitment? In 50 First Dates, his crush has memory problems. In Click, he uses a remote control for his own selfish purposes while pushing his family and wife away. In I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, he pretends to be gay while falling for someone involved in his lie. In Anger Management, he has tons of anger problems and his therapist screws with him. This formula of juvenile and crass humor topped off with a bit of hokey, gooey, contrived attempts at having a heart just don't work. Adam Sandler plays the exact same character in every movie with similar problems about love, relationships, and commitment following right behind him. The formula is stale and generally lacks any real type of romance or sense of humor.

You can see everything coming in Just Go with It a mile before it shows up. The awkward contrivances that follow the main characters' snowballed lie, the scene where they both "realize" that while faking a romance, they're actually developing one in the process, the scene where Katherine and her arch rival; Devlin actually bond over sincerities and drop the lies to form a real frendship. It's all here sadly. Not one thing in Just Go with It can't be seen from intelligent (or hell, even comatose) life on other planets. And because of how trite and predictable the whole movie is, the events just don't feel like they have any ounce of a genuine nature to them. At times it feels like a really old sitcom that you're watching about the wacky situations people get into with love matters.

Just Go with It just really struggles to provide anything new or humorous. The formula of finding love in an unexpected place has been done since the cavemen were found on the lawn, except it's been done so much better in so many different movies. The writing is crass, unfunny, and just juvenile and trashy overall. Just Go with It just reaks of a poor attempt to cash in on Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler's fame. There's a running joke about how the name Devlin is equivalent to shit for Katherine's children in this movie. Just Go with Devlin would have been the perfect title for this piece of Devlin.

0/4

P2

The lead should have escaped quicker and that's a mistake the audience will surely not make

1/4



The Ref

Still one of my favorite Christmas movies ever. If this isn't my family in a nutshell then Idk what is. 

4/4

Contagion

That is it. I'm officially losing hope on 2011 for being a great year of movies. Disappointment after disappointment hits theaters every week in this depressing years of movies. Contagion had all the potential in the world to be awesome. But instead, it wastes its great cast and gives moviegoers a tedious, safe, uninspired and unsatisfactory drama that's equivalent to 106 minutes of pure nothingness.

Contagion has a pretty solid premise, or at least, I thought it would have had a pretty solid premise. Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow) returns from her Hong Kong trip with a cold (or so she thinks it's a cold). Soon after, she's having seizures, memory problems, and eventually collapses into a condition which leads to her death, leaving behind a devastated, fragile, and very confused husband; Mitch (Matt Damon). Pretty much, the whole movie traces how the disease spreads; dealing with a doctor in Atlanta (Laurence Fishburne), a doctor sent to Minneapolis (Kate Winslet), a blogger in London (Jude Law), and another doctor who traveled to Hong Kong to find out what is the origin of the disease (played by Marion Cotillard). The movie traces how all these people relate to each other in more ways than once. So pretty much, it's Babel or Crash but with sickness. Fun times.

One of the big problems I had with Contagion is the structure. Unlike amazing movies like Crash that are able to connect all these stories and make them interesting & worthy of attention, Contagion just fails at that. You barely know anything about any of these characters so when bad things start happening to them, your reaction is just like....SO? Because of the billions of stories going on, so many actors are wasted as a result. While some are given very little to do (Kate Winslet and Laurence Fishburne), others turn in some of their worst performances yet. Matt Damon is a total stiff as the lead. He rarely acts like a human being throughout the entire movie and is totally devoid of any emotions. A scene later on in the movie where he's viewing his deceased wife's picture is supposed to be heartbreaking but it just comes off as bad Lifetime. Jude Law is another actor who really really doesn't do well here at all. There's just something so pretentious about the way he delivers his lines. You would think a movie about such intelligent people would present these characters as....PEOPLE. I've seen cartoons with more life-like qualities than these characters. Oh, and they totally waste Marion Cotillard as well. Her scenes were probably some of my favorites so of course they have to cut them short. Good times.

For a movie about such a deadly disease, Contagion is rather dull as well. Nothing exciting (minus the early scenes with Gwyneth Paltrow) really happens at all. Where's the tension? Where's the excitement? They barely touch on that, instead we get nonstop, neverending discussions about the disease. How did this movie even get labeled as a Drama without any drama? 95% of the time it reads as an insufferably awful documentary on some channel about learning. Da fuck? I've seen zombie & end of the world movies that present more situations about what people do in the face of disease than this one. The plot is just so dull and flimsy, I don't really get how the director thought he could stretch this like putty into a feature length movie.

And when watching the preview for Contagion, do you feel like this is the type of movie to present some new, relevant, and suspenseful information about the effects of disease? Yeah, well I was suckered too. Contagion tries to be intelligent, but as someone once said, "An empty barrel makes the most noise". There's absolutely no point to Contagion except for that disease can spread quickly from person to person. And the only people that is news to are those who lick the driveway for dessert. For everyone else....NAHT groundbreaking news. There's nothing informative or new about Contagion. There's not even a twist. Information which Matt Damon finds out about his wife after she dies COULD HAVE BEEN A TWIST. BUT THEY DON'T TWIST IT! NO TWIST! I'm pissed. Granted, any type of twist that was attempted at this point would have probably failed, at least it would have proved for being an entertaining failure instead of the tedious sludge that the moviegoer has to tread through. And just when you're about to get out of the sludge, Contagion actually has the nerve to throw on 90 more pounds of mold and toxic garbage. The ending is an absolute cop-out. A confusing ending only due to the amount of nothingness that was present.

Contagion is a cliched, tedious, disaster of a movie that had potential to be everything but what it turns into. A great cast. An accomplished director. A premise that had the potential to be interesting. But it sells all those things to the devil, resulting in a movie that lacks tension, originality, story, or even a reason to care. You know a movie is sinking like the Titanic when you watch a character on screen get her head cut open and think.......boy, she's a lucky girl.

1/4

Friday the 13th

I'm probably going to movie review hell for saying this but IDGAF....Friday the 13th was actually a pretty good remake. Sure it's nothing but Jason killing horny, drunken, druggie teenagers for 90 minutes, but it's not like the original was anything different so I won't knock this version down for dumbing down the original.

In this Friday the 13th, we actually get to watch Jason plow through two groups of teenager. In the first 30 minutes, Jason demolishes a group of teens (my favorite death was the one with the sleeping bag), and saves one of them named Whitney (Amanda Righetti), because of her strong resemblance to his mother. He keeps her as his pet in his dungeon/home? type of deal. Soon after, her brother Clay (Jared Padalecki) runs into a new group of teens while looking for Whitney. As expected, it's not long before this group is meeting their end at any sharp object within Jason's grasp.

People don't go to Friday the 13th for an intriguing plot, Oscar-worthy performances, or a grand twist they didn't see coming. They go to see tits, blood, and the occasional good one-liner thrown in between each kill. And overall, I would say that this one delivers each of those. There's tons of nudity and sex (Julliana Guill gets a large opportunity to show off her well...largeness). Willa Ford also gets a nice chance to show off her assets as well, despite being in the movie for as long as her singing career lasted. A lot of the kills are pretty neat as well. The death scenes involving a sleeping bag, a bow and arrow, and a machete through the head were easily the best. Hell, there's even a death at the end that I didn't really see coming. As for humor, I would say it has some of that as well, thanks mainly to the token stoner and black guy.

As for the negatives...my main one is that everything has the the tendency to be too dark and/or fast. Michael Bay and Marcus Nispel (who created the very music video-ish Texas Chainsaw Massacre) have the tendency to film everything like you're in a windtunnel. Tons of shit is flying in front of your face but you couldn't be any more clueless as to what's going on. Another is in the structure of the film. I much preferred the first group of people that dies in the first half hour to the second group that takes up the rest of the movie. It just seems a bit pointless and tedious to me to kill a whole group of teens after setting them up for it....only to do the exact same thing over again. Repetition in a 90 minute movie isn't cute.

Overall, Friday the 13th gets the job done. Skin is shown, skin is impaled, things are smoked, liquids are consumed, and brain cells are on vacation. Which is exactly what's expected when watching a movie like Friday the 13th. Let's just hope that this one is the last Jason remake and no one comes up with the bright idea of Saturday the 14th for a sequel.

3/4

Halloween

Remakes are often quite tricky. Most people are skeptical about how they will be in comparison to the original, and a lot of people just wonder, "What's the point?". And considering the massive amount of praise and fame the original Halloween received, I think it's safe to say that Rob Zombie had some big shoes to fill. Surprisingly enough though, I actually think he did a pretty good job and Halloween is easily much better than most people would expect.

Unlike the original which starts out with Michael murdering his sister Judith, this version of Halloween goes even further back, showing out the reasoning behind Michael's madness. Michael (Daeg Faerch) has a really shitty life. His stepfather Ronnie (William Forsythe) is an asshole. His sister Judith (Hanna R. Hall) is neglectful and careless. His pets...well, he kills them before they have any chances of disrespecting him. The only person close to him that seems to show him any love is his mother Deborah (Sheri Moon Zombie), and even she is a bit neglectful and well...really stupid (shown off by her skills of rationalizing her son's collection of dead animal photos). One day Michael just snaps. He kills the local bully (Daryl Sabara from Spy Kids). Later that night on Halloween, he snaps even further, murdering his stepfather, his sister, and her ugly boyfriend. He then gets locked up in the local nuthouse and goes even further down the rabbit hole, crushing his mother's hope and happiness as he goes down further. This material covers about the first 40-45 minutes off the movie, and I must say it's quite effective. The performances overall are pretty solid (especially Sheri Moon Zombie), the kills are just gruesome enough to satisfy gorehounds, and it's a pretty involving story. At times, you actually feel a bit bad for Michael which is what Rob Zombie intended. 

After the scenes with Michael and his mother end, Michael breaks out of the asylum and from then on..the movie changes pace and tone. His main target is his sister Laurie (Scout Taylor-Compton), and her two friends Annie and Lynda (played by Danielle Harris and Kristina Klebe). And you know how it goes from here. Michael goes after her friends first and eliminates anyone in her way until he's chasing around Laurie and the kids she's babysitting.

Unfortunately, this part of the movie doesn't work as well as the first half. First off, 2/3 of the main actresses are horrible. Danielle Harris (the Halloween queen) is pretty good as Annie, but the other two are almost unwatchable. Compton just screeches and whines just about all her lines. She's embarassing to watch in the scenes before Michael (they try and make her funny, no), and borderline spastic when she's screaming and running around. At times it almost looks like she's singing her lines, "HELLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPUHHHH". Klebe is pretty painful as well. In the original, the character Lynda was the ditzy, fun little sexbomb. In this one, Lynda is obnoxious, irritating, and just gross. Klebe just comes off as a cheap, amateur knock off of P.J. Soles' infamous performance. And for fuck's sake...we didn't need to see her bush. Just saying.

As neat as some of the bloodtastic kills are, there's not a ton of time to build up genuine thrills. Yes, Halloween kept me entertained but overall this version just doesn't have that genuine air of menace and terror that the original did. Rob Zombie does his best but overall, to quote a recent character in the Scream series....don't fuck with the original. 

Despite easily being outshined by the original Halloween, this version still does the job. It moves along pretty quickly with some nice bloody kills. The first 40-45 minutes is really strong and even though the last half definitely doesn't measure up, it's at least entertaining with a few decent scares. And considering all the shitty remakes that probably inspire the original to roll around in their grave...I would say that's a pretty decent compliment for a horror remake.

3/4

Cowboys & Aliens

When cooking, do you ever take two ingredients and combine them even though it will create a bizzare combination that most certainly won't work? Well, Jon Favreau (who directed the amazing Iron Man) feels your pain with his latest work; Cowboys & Aliens, a bizzare disaster of a movie that tries to combine a western story and a scifi flick while not really succeeding at either genre.

In Cowboys & Aliens, Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) is an outlaw who wakes up in the middle of the desert with no memories, tons of people after him, and an odd metal bracelet which doesn't seem to come off. He wanders into town, interacting with the locals, many of which want him thrown in jail, especially Sheriff Taggart (Keith Carradine),  Percy Dolarhyde (Paul Dano), and his father Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford). Soon after as Jake is about to be taken away, aliens invade the town, kidnapping locals until Jake springs into action and finally finds out what that damn metal bracelet is good for. Soon after the first attack, Jake, his love interest Ella (Olivia Wilde) and many of the other locals who haven't been abducted take off on a journey to save their fellow townspeople and defeat the aliens once and for all.

There is very little redeeming qualities about Cowboy & Aliens, but one area where I will give props to are the special effects. The crew members who worked on those were some of the rare in between participants who earned their paychecks for this movie. The scenes with the aliens are awesome and I loved watching them and all of the destruction that they caused with the people.

As for performances, though most faltered (which I will start mentioning in an upcoming paragraph), one standout was Olivia Wilde. In addition to being absolutely beautiful, Wilde makes the very best of a threadbare, underutilized character. I will easily say that she is the actor that should hold her head the highest when viewing this movie. One of the few performances that isn't overbearing, obnoxious, or one-note.

And now for the negatives, which were certainly far greater in numbers than the positives. For one, combining two genres was an awful idea. The western scenes are flat, tedious, contrived, and unoriginal as hell. Nothing noteworthy happens except for a bunch of ridiculous speeches about bonding, being a man, and you get my point. Because that's totally what people want to see in a genre that's all about action. And they pretty much feel like they're copied and pasted from better movies of this genre. Steal from the best. Cowboys & Aliens even fails at that. The scenes with the aliens are just as bad. They rarely show up and you don't learn anything about them. Apparently, they're on Earth for gold but you don't understand what the purpose of gold is to them. It's such a silly idea that's never even explained at all. None of the scenes are exciting with the aliens mainly due to the amount of questions and tedium that follow. You're even supposed to believe that these aliens are such ridiculously intelligent creatures despite leaving a deadly bracelet within arms reach of the main character. What the fuck?

The performances are ridiculous as well. Daniel Craig is such a bore as the main lead. He grunts every line without any excitement or energy at all. He must have been taking lessons from Harrison Ford, who is even worse in this movie. He pretty much barks every line and for fuck's sake...IF YOU'RE 9000 YEARS OLD, STOP APPEARING IN ACTION MOVIES. Shit. Can't wait for the sequel where the Golden Girls are sword fighting with a bunch of pirates. Oh! I forgot someone else. Paul Dano....what a big step down from Little Miss Sunshine. Every scene with him (and thank God there's not that many) is totally pathetic and ridiculous. He's such an obnoxious, irritating character you wish the aliens would shut his fucking mouth before he even gets his second line out.

The story moves along like an alien oozing his goo on the ground. So many plot holes are present that you could jump in one and end up in China. For one...apparently the way to get the bracelet off is to...stop thinking. Yeah. You heard me. There's no codes. No passwords. Not even a fucking lockbox. Stop thinking. And these are the aliens we're supposed to believe are so much more superior in terms of intelligence than humans. Oh! And Ella's story line is pathetic. A little past the middle of the movie, her journey takes a flying leap off the tracks, resulting in one of the most ridiculous endings of 2011. I'll give you a hint. She's not human. Nor is she an alien. I'm not really sure what she is but based on all the intelligence dedicated to her character's journey...neither did she.

Cowboys & Aliens is easily going to be on my worst movies of 2011 list. Humor must have been on vacation in another planet. So were strong performances, an intelligent script, a cohesive story, a solid ending, or any credible explanations about the aliens or some of the other characters in the story. I would rather be beamed up by the most malicious aliens in history over sitting through one more viewing of Cowboys & Aliens.

0/4

Darkness Falls

Bad horror movies are like the plague. You try to avoid them as best as you can. No one looks forward to having any experience with them. And despite this, both will always find a way to get in contact with you and fuck up a bit of your time. And by that comparison, I introduce Darkness Falls, a terrible, terrible, terrible movie.

Darkness Falls has a pretty simple premise. Evil tooth fairy haunts everyone in the town where she was murdered, attempting to hunt down all of the residents in the darkness. Mainly Kyle Walsh (played without an ounce of personality by Chaney Kley), his crush Caitlin (Emma Caufield from Buffy) and her little brother Michael (played by who gives a fuck, he sucks). The first 10 minutes or so is pretty effective. Kyle watches his Mom get killed by the evil tooth fairy. Watching a family member die right in front of your face has always been a terrifying idea to me. Darkness Falls then flies off the track soon after.

Even though the previously mentioned beginning is good, Darkness Falls does absolutely nothing beneficial after. There's no twists, there's no future plot advancements, hell there's barely even a climax. It's just about 80 minutes of Kyle running around and having no one believe his story until another threadbare character bites the dust right in front of their face. It gets old really quickly.

Darkness Falls is about as productive as a fattie in a marathon. It literally is 90 minutes of absolute nothing. There's barely any story, you don't really know shit about the characters and even less about the ones that pop up for 2 seconds before getting dragged away by the tooth fairy. The murders (which you can see coming about 2 planets away) mainly occur offscreen and the special effects are less than impressive due to how frequent you see the tooth fairy. She goes from slightly creepy to just flat out ridiculous based on how many times you see her towards the end. Nothing left to the imagination in this movie at all.

Darkness Falls is a giant ball of bullshit. Absolutely no merit at all. I would rather rip out every tooth possible and throw myself into every dark corner available rather than watch this bullshit one more time. Can't wait for the evil Easter bunny movie. Hoorah.

1/4

Scream 3

This is easily one of my favorite Horror franchises in History, but sadly this is the entry that feels like dead weight (pun intended). There's still charm & clever writing but sadly the whole thing just feels like "more is more". More new characters (only Parker Posey & Deon Richmond stand out), longer length (a bit of trimming would have helped) and a longer explanation/exposition from the killer (this was just a mess). Of the series it's the turkey, not in the typically used way of being a complete bomb, but in more of a sense of something that's enjoyed while being initially consumed but makes you feel bloated after.

2/4

30 Days of Night: Dark Days

Picking off right off from where the original ended, the sequel Dark Days follows Stella's life after the 30 days of terror and bloodshed that occurred in Alaska. She seems hateful of everything without a pulse or a tan but doesn't really do anything about it (excluding a scene where she fries one or two of them in her presentation to shut up those who are skeptical). Luckily for her, three people and a vampire not dedicated to killing everything in sight want to eliminate as many vampires off the earth, especially their queen; Lilith.

The negatives: One big problem I had with this was the replacement actress of Stella. Kiele Sanchez isn't necessarily a bad performer in this movie, but the whole time I was just wondering, "Fuck, where the hell was Melissa George when this movie was going down?". She's just really bland as the lead. There's nothing captivating or even that relatable about her character hin this movie. All we know about her is that she's mad about vampires killing everyone she loves and that she misses her husband Eben; who melted away in her arms in the original. Logic is also missing in action as well. Early on, Stella fries a few vampires with these really powerful lights. Yet the four people (the vampire stays home) go into Stella's hiding place with guns. Why the fuck are they not just going in their with tons of lights? Or fire? And they choose the worst times to go hunt. There's at least 2-3 scenes where they're out and about at night. Isn't that the worst time to go out? And another thing...a few scenes indicate that the vampires have psychic abilities (how else would they know where the humans are at all times?), so why didn't this whole war just...end quicker? The ending is a big downer as well. You know exactly who is going to die and in what order. So when they do die in that mentioned order you just wonder...what took so long? The ending is really disappointing and predictable. It feels so rushed and bland. There's not even a big fight scene with Lilith and Stella, it's just a quick kill that's so vaguely similar to a scene in The Descent. And the last two minutes just doesn't make any sense at all. How can you bring back a husband that disintegrated in front of you? It's as if the first movie just didn't exist.

I know it sounds like the movie is totally without merit, but there are a few positives as well. Everyone but Kiele Sanchez is pretty solid in their roles, especially Rhys Coiro and Diora Baird as two of the other vampires. Even though Mia Kirshner doesn't get many lines as the queen Lilith, she even manages to convey a sense of dread, terror, and odd sexual appeal whenever she's on screen. Also, Dark Days did manage to make some wise choices as to what worked in the original. They kept the look of the vampires the same which was easily one of the creepiest parts of the original. And the death scenes are pretty neat. Easy to say that they didn't let down in the gore category as well. And even though the story won't be winning any oscars and you've probably seen a million movies with a similar idea, Dark Days at least moves along at a fairly brisk 92 minute length, which is much appreciated considering how boring movies tend to get after they hit the triple digit length.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days isn't a masterpiece by any means. It's nothing really special or memorable compared to the millions of horror movies that are similar and even released at the exact same time. But for filler fun, it gets the job even if the odds are that you won't remember it a day later. Just don't expect a ton of logic or a strong narrative. Otherwise you will be envious of those getting the blood sucked out of them on screen.

2/4

House of Wax

I'm gonna say something which might surprise a lot of people. A MOVIE FEATURING PARIS HILTON IS ACTUALLY GOOD. Yeah, shocker right? But seriously, for what it is (a.k.a; a movie that won't cure cancer), House of Wax is a pretty fun horror movie that will keep you entertained from beginning to end.

House of Wax is simple enough. Six friends; Carly (Elisha Cuthbert from Girl Next Door), her boyfriend Wade (Jared Padalecki), Blake (Robert Ri'Chard from Cousin Skeeter), Carly's brother Nick (Chad Michael Murray), his friend Dalton (Jon Abrahams), and Blake's girlfriend Paige (Paris Hilton) take a slight detour on the way to a big football game. Eventually they arrive at an area where everything is made of wax, and almost looks a bit...too real. Eventually the group splits up and that's when a pair of brothers decides to start racking up some more wax figures out of the group.

In terms of set design alone, House of Wax is pretty cool. All of the scenes (even the early ones that don't involve killing) are quite menacing and creepy. It actually builds up some potential thrills early on without having to resort to cheap "GOTCHA!" scares. The scenes later on in the movie when the House of Wax begins to melt are pretty badass as well. Very claustrophobic and just bizzare overall.

As far as performances go, pretty standard for the genre actually. No one is completely unwatchable but no one really stands out. Pretty much everyone acts like a fairly good looking mannequin until it's time to well...become a good looking mannequin. No one really stands out among the six but considering some of the kennel club-filled movies in terms of performances...you could do much worse.

Even though it's not a terrifying movie, I would say House of Wax has some pretty good scares. The kills are a bit more inventive and creative then most movies of the genre and at least the death order is slightly unpredictable. Not even gonna lie though, the best death is easily Paris Hilton's. What a way to go.

House of Wax won't be changing any lives but I would say it's a solid entry into the gore-filled franchise. Director Jaume Collet-Serra knows what the fans want and how to give it to them. Tons of gore, some humor, and a story that's fair enough to not completely piss people off but isn't distracting enough to get in the way of the bloodshed that someone who goes to a movie called "House of Wax" expects to see. Just don't expect a miracle. And pray that the GIANT hint at a sequel was a joke. Only so many times someone can visit a house of wax before it burns down to the ground and kills everyone in it. Just saying.

3/4

Hostel Part II

The last 20 minutes is why God invented YASSSS! And don't try and tell me otherwise

3/4

Mirrors

I really wonder if a single coherent thought goes through people's heads when movies like Mirrors are created. Seriously. Not only it is totally dull, badly acted, written, and contains shitty effects...it doesn't make one bit of sense!

So in Mirrors, a security guard (Kiefer Sutherland) monitors a burned down building that still has a ton of mirrors present. Ok..... So I guess the demon follows him home or something and begins killing everyone around him in order to send the message that the demon wants the girl that it was orginally possessing. If the demon can jump from mirror to mirror, why can't it just go get the girl all by itself? I don't get it. But then again, neither did the director considering THE DEMON USES PUDDLES TO GET PEOPLE. I kid you not. It defies the movie's own stupid logic and goes through puddles. The best is the ending though. The security guard pretty much gets killed and is now stuck in the mirror world. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So if you go to the mirror world after you die, why couldn't someone before him warn him about this shit? The whole movie is so rickety.

The effects and lack of scares are another big problem. Every kill is so cheesy and lame you can smell the computer buttons being pushed a mile away. Nothing looks authentic at all, reducing any chance there is of scares being present. There's one cool death scene with Amy Smart from Rat Race and even that gets a bit...ridiculous. If you've watched one preview, you already know how it's gonna go down. And that part isn't even scary! Nothing in this movie is scary. It's pretty much about killer mirrors hahahahaha. It's just a boring movie with really not much to it. They try and throw in some shitty reasoning as to why the demon is going crazy but it's all just too dumb to really take seriously.

And Kiefer Sutherland is such a bore as the lead. When he's not screaming like he's singing opera he just looks bored out of his mind. Like he's wishing that the mirrors would come kill him sooner so he wouldn't have to be involved in this shit any longer. I feel your pain buddy. And so does anyone else that gets duped into watching this 90 minute toxic piece of trash.

0/4

Silent Hill

We all should have stayed silent on this one. 

1/4

Wolf Creek

The creepiest movies are those which can actually happen in real life. And that is part of the appeal in Wolf Creek, a disturbing, frightening, yet oddly beautiful Aussie horror movie.

Wolf Creek has a simple yet effective premise. Three tourists are traveling throughout Austrailia when they encounter some technical problems. Nothing works. Their watches, the car. Nothing. So they allow a friendly man passing in the area to tow their car and take them to his area in the meantime. The tourists are amazed with their good luck and grateful for it, until they wake up in the morning and realize....they have the shittiest luck ever.

One of the perks of Wolf Creek lies in the performances. First off, I didn't recognize any of the lead actors in this which is pretty beneficial. It's cool being able to watch someone on screen and not have the million other movies that they have done in the back of your head at the same time. All three of the tourists' performances are pretty damn awesome. They actually perform as real people. Not ducks to be lined up and shot in a row. You actually really like them and dread the moment that they will meet their enemy (played with all the nasty, toxic, harmful attributes that you would want in a killer, by John Jarratt). Not one of these performances comes off as an actor giving their reading as a person. You're just watching people in a fucked up situation.

Now for the shit everyone wants to see in a horror movie; the murders. Let me just say that even though there aren't that many (I only counted three total), none of them go by quickly without pain and extreme tension surrounding them. Mick Taylor (what a cool name for a killer) really enjoys this shit. It's disturbing. At times when he's fucking with the tourists you swear that you just stumbled into a snuff film about some horrific crime. The killing scenes are brutal, bloody, and at times...very hard to watch. Wolf Creek will surprise you with the order of their deaths (and how they go down) and it will shock you with the raw carnage that is displayed in front of your eyes.

Another thing I really loved about Wolf Creek was the cinematography. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. At times you feel that you're in another world which might have even been the director's approach. Even when these crimes are going on, the outside surroundings and the lighting used almost make the movie seem like a painting in motion. A fucked up painting, probably created by someone like Tarantino, but hey...art is fucked up at times.

Wolf Creek is a nasty, disturbing movie that will stay in your brain for a while. It doesn't feel like a movie when looking back. It just seems like a really shitty situation that was displayed for the public to view. And that is more frightening then anything in this world; real life.

3/4

Dead Silence

Super fun to watch even if nothing about it is even close to super.

2/4

House on Haunted Hill

Dark Castle pictures in general are quite the mixed bag, you never really know what you're gonna get. Luckily, House on Haunted Hill (which happens to be the first Dark Castle movie that I watched), happens to be one of the best in the series.

The gist of it is that a married couple who would slit each others' throats over the last piece of pizza (played by Geoffrey Rush and Famke Janssen) want to have a party at a house that is rumored to be haunted. The wife; Evelyn, creates a guest list that gets destroyed and re-written to invite five others to the house instead. At first, everyone thinks that the house's infamous nature is bullshit until like expected...things begin to take a turn for the worst.

One of the things that I like about House on Haunted Hill is the performances. Famke Janssen and Geoffrey Rush steal the show as the Prices, but overall I would say everyone holds their own pretty well. There's not a weak link amongst the cast.

I also have to give the movie credit for not relying too much on special effects, except for the ending...which will get dissected more in a later paragraph. Even though some of scenes with special effects are quite disturbing (turns out the ghosts in the house were involved with some fucked up shit in a mental hospital), the movie doesn't really need these graphic scenes in order to keep the audience entertained and thrilled. The atmosphere and tension move the movie along pretty well.

The biggest down is the lame, over CGI'd ending. Nothing scary or remotely interesting/authentic looking happens. It's not even scary...it's just a lame way to wrap up the movie and an unsatisfying attempt at providing a legit climax. And then after the CGI effects are over...the movie just...ends. Two of the main characters are just chillin outside the house. You never know if they made it out safely or not. What a dumbfuck.

Despite the lame ending, House on Haunted Hill is a pretty awesome ride for about 90% of the time. It's funny, it's entertaining, it's well acted and the CGI is pretty badass. When it comes time to start looking for good Halloween-oriented movies, you could do a lot worse then House on Haunted Hill.


3/4