The Smurfs

Generally as you would know if you follow my blog, I try to do a paragraph/section dedicating it to all of the good things that I enjoyed about that particular movie, but fuck it. There are so many things wrong with The Smurfs that even finding 4-5 sentences of nice shit to say about it would be a chore that I am too lazy to attempt.

Just like about every other family movie out there with some odd/different character (s), The Smurfs' "plot" is that they somehow manage to fall out of their world and land in NYC, disturbing the lives of Patrick (Neil Patrick Harris) and his girlfriend Odile (Jayma Mays). And like all of these family movies, there's a bad guy that also manages to get out of this strange world, resulting in a cat and mouse chase between the two, the villian in this one being Gargamel (Hank Azaria). Same ol shit, different day.

There's such a little amount of story going on here that I can't even imagining this shit flying in a 30 minute episode of a Smurfs television show. It's so damn bare in terms of plot that it's like taking a shoelace and trying to lasso someone from China with it. It gets old quickly and I can't even imagine children above the age of 5 being entertained by this. Any type of humor, joy, or interest is sucked out as well. This movie feels like it was made on the thoughts of not wanting to make a movie at all. There's nothing present in The Smurfs that doesn't feel totally stock, standard, and devoid of any heart, intrigue, or humor. I feel like everyone involved in this movie was just as blue as the main characters. Then again, can you blame them?

1/4

Horrible Bosses

Why do so many movies resort to turning themselves into feature length sitcoms? Horrible Bosses is the latest movie to follow that trend, about three frustrated workers who all decide that the best way to deal with their terrible bosses (Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, Colin Farrell) is to murder them. They enlist in a local hitman named Mothafucka Jones (Jamie Foxx) to help them work up schemes which will all end up blowing up in their own faces. It has a good premise which has the potential to be hillarious, so it's unfortunate when Horrible Bosses just...isn't that. There's about a handful of hillarious scenes from beginning to end but the rest of the gags just fall flat or are just flat-out embarassing (just about any scene with Jennifer Aniston, what a waste of her talent). The plot doesn't go anywhere so it gets old quick, several talented actors are underused (Kevin Spacey & Colin Farrell), and the movie just wears out its' welcome long before the credits begin to roll. And that is something I would definitely never put on my resume. NEXT.

2/4

The Devil Inside

What is it about? In 1989, Maria Rossi (Suzan Crowley) murdered three people in the process of having an exorcism performed on her. She is then whisked off away to Rome by the Catholic Church in order to help her. Her daughter Isabella (Fernanda Andrade) wants to find out what happened to her, so she goes off to Rome with her director friend Michael (Ionut Grama). While there, they meet up with two local priests named David and Ben (Evan Helmuth and Simon Quarterman) who want to help them cure Maria's mother, but must do it without the church's consent considering how they are on exorcisms.

The good: The Devil Inside actually gets off to a good start. The opening scene of the aftermath of Maria's killing spree is quite chilling. You don't see how she killed the three people which lets your imagination run wild as to how she did it, adding some fright to the scene. I'm glad they didn't show these murders occur onscreen. It really does look like an official crime scene that you would see on the news. Chilling.

Suzan Crowley's short, but effective performance as Maria will leave a mark as well. Though she doesn't get a ton of screen time, she dominates the scenes that she is given. The creepiest scene in the movie is due to her performance when dealing with Isabella in the hospital.

The Devil Inside is quite a short movie actually. Running a time of 87 minutes is something I greatly appreciate. In fact, I would almost say that I wish it was a bit longer. Though I will save those complaints for the part of this review where I bitch my ass off about what sucked in this movie.

The bad: The performances are a big problem in this movie. Every single other performance besides Crowley's is absolutely flat. Scenery outshines and is more captivating then anything these actors are giving in this movie. The performances are half-assed and the screenplay is flat. You really don't give a shit if any of these people live or die.

Despite airing a lot of demonic scenes on the preview, The Devil Inside is actually quite slow. About 3-4 exorcism scenes occur, and granted I did appreciate those, the rest of the movie is ridiculously boring. Nothing happens except bland commentary on the camera as if this were an episode of Real World where the cast came back from the dead. It's not interesting in the least when someone isn't twisting their head around or chanting "Connect the cuts".

THAT FUCKING ENDING. OMFG. LAZIEST ENDING EVER. Sorry about that. But literally, I can almost guarantee that no other movie in 2012 will end worse than this one. It starts getting interesting as the climax raises but then it drops. It would be as if a rollercoaster would be winding up on the biggest hill possible only to reverse slowly and take the riders back to the exit. What a waste of a potentially good finale. It just...ends. Talk about dead.

The lowdown: The Devil Inside is a big disappointment. It has some cool scenes and has one good performance but that's not enough to overcome the lack of originality, interest, excitement and ESPECIALLY a good finale. This movie deals with the spirits ironically enough, that is how I would recommend you to watch this movie. With a good spirit or two that generally follows you around like a puppy after consuming as much alcohol as possible.

2/4

Martha Marcy May Marlene

One of the most present fears in all of us is paranoia; that feeling that you're never safe and there's always someone around the corner. You can't escape it, you can't forget it, and there's no way possible to kill it, it just stays with you forever. Paranoia is the driving base behind Martha Marcy May Marlene, a powerful and thought provoking thriller about paranoia and how it affects everyone around you.

What is it about? Martha (Elizabeth Olsen, yes, she's related to Mary Kate & Ashley) escapes from an...unorthodox cult led by the sinister Patrick (John Hawkes) and all of his followers in NY. She calls her sister Lucy (Sarah Paulson), who she hasn't seen in two years, and tells her to come get her, and as a result, ends up in Conneticut with Lucy and her husband Ted (Hugh Dancy). She tells them she's been in a relationship the last two years, completely avoiding all of the truth about what really happened as a result, confusing Lucy and Ted with her bizzare behavior, offputting questions, and tendencies to get naked and walk in on them having sex. Little things like that. Soon after, Martha feels that the cult is coming to get her, and based on past memories...she knows they're not playing around.

The positives: Elizabeth Olsen's performance as Martha is absolutely immaculate. She's easily the most talented Olsen sister by miles, and performances like this should easily start to cement a groundbreaking career for her. Not once do you believe she's acting. Martha is a fucked up, paranoid, possibly crazy hot mess of a human being that Olsen portrays her as in a perfect way. She tries so hard to be normal but the brainwashing inflicted on her by the cult makes that goal next to impossible. Some of her scenes are just heartbreaking just in the looks that Olsen gives her sister and her husband.

Olsen isn't the only one to shine here. Sarah Paulson as Martha's sister is also terribly talented in this role as well, as the sister who might as well be on a different planet. She tries so hard to understand Martha's bizzare behavior but she can't, and that just kills her on the inside. John Hawkes as the cult's leader also leaves some impact, this dude is fucking creepy. Every second of him on camera is filled with tension and menace. He's a true villian and plays the role to perfection.

Though it's far from a horror movie, Martha Marcy May Marlene is quite the chilling movie as well. The structure of the movie jumps back and forward from her flashbacks of the cult to how bad she's fucked up in the present day. The cult scenes are extremely...creepy to say the least. Even the Manson family would be slowly backing towards the door based on some of the shit this family does. And though the ending and overall last half of the movie has stirred up quite a debate, I actually quite enjoyed it. It's not a movie that explicitly states what's going on. It's more so your perception of everything. Did Martha see that particular person or is it just something worked up in her imagination? Is there something to worry about or is Martha just fucking nuts? These are questions that will stay in your mind for long after the movie is over.

The bad: Though I have very little negatives about this movie, I do wish more time had been spent on the cult and how they originated/why they did the shit they did. You do get to see some of the "initiation" process of people into the cult and how they all get their "special night" with Patrick, but you never really know much else about them except for that they're open with sex/nudity and not afraid of a death (easily the movie's creepiest scene).

Martha Marcy May Marlene is quite the unforgettable movie about how fucked up things in life will impact our future. It makes you wonder how much paranoia plays into your mind and if the monster in your closet is a delusion or a tangible threat. It's very suspenseful and Olsen's performance is easily worthy of an Oscar nomination. So of course she won't get one. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid. :P

4/4





The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

As many movies over the years have shown us, adapting a novel into a movie can be quite the big bitch, but David Fincher was obviously up to the challenge, delivering The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, an effective, powerful, very haunting and well made movie, easily one of my favorites of 2011. :)

What is it about? Daniel Craig plays Mikael, a journalist who has recently landed in hot water over a story he published which turns out to be false. You can tell he's looking for an excuse to get away, which is exactly what he receives from Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer), when Henrik recruits Mikael into solving the mystery over the murder of Henrik's granddaughter over 40 years ago. This case involves talking to all of Henrik's shady ass family and going over documents that have been in existence for decades, which is obviously not a one man task. So, Henrik enlists in Lisbeth (Rooney Mara), a mysterious, badass computer hacker to help Mikael solve the case.

The positives: The performances are easily one of the highlights of TGWTDT. Daniel Craig (who I feel has delivered quite a few flat performances in terrible movies this year) easily redeems himself here, delivering his best performance in years as Mikael. The real star here, I feel is Rooney Mara as Lisbeth though. She's mesmerizing. From her haunting look, to her gestures, to the way she speaks, you won't be able to get this portrayal out of your mind anytime soon. This is the stuff that I feel should easily be getting her nominated for Oscars. The Mara sisters have proved to be a force to be reckoned with in terms of siblings with a shitload of talent.

The mystery aspect is another area I felt that Dragon Tattoo succeeded in as well. Though I've read a fair amount of reviews labeling the movie as dull, I actually thought it was pretty damn entertaining and suspenseful. The movie has a feeling of mystery and benevolence. You really don't know what any of the characters in Henrik's family are capable of, adding tension to every single one of Mikael's meetings with them. I personally didn't see the ending coming which is another thing I think was strong about this movie; it's not predictable unlike a lot of other thrillers out there right now.

The bad: Though I enjoyed the way they wrapped up the mystery with Henrik's granddaughter, I do feel that another part of the ending was severely lacking; the last 2-3 minutes. I felt that Lisbeth's character acted in a way that wasn't very true to how she had behaved for the last 2.5 hours & I felt like there was a bit of giving up in the last moment or two. The final scene could have been a bit stronger considering I would call the rest of the movie pretty damn strong, it's just that it didn't know how to wrap itself up.

Overall, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a very solid and engaging mystery. The performances are top notch, the writing is very natural and intriguing, the mystery behind the granddaughter's murder will keep you guessing from beginning to end, there's tension from beginning to end (excluding the mentioned 2-3 final minutes). Easily one of the best movies of 2011.

4/4

Hostel Part III

A smack on the ass to my hometown and the former entries of what WAS an awesome series. 

2/4