Halloween

Remakes are often quite tricky. Most people are skeptical about how they will be in comparison to the original, and a lot of people just wonder, "What's the point?". And considering the massive amount of praise and fame the original Halloween received, I think it's safe to say that Rob Zombie had some big shoes to fill. Surprisingly enough though, I actually think he did a pretty good job and Halloween is easily much better than most people would expect.

Unlike the original which starts out with Michael murdering his sister Judith, this version of Halloween goes even further back, showing out the reasoning behind Michael's madness. Michael (Daeg Faerch) has a really shitty life. His stepfather Ronnie (William Forsythe) is an asshole. His sister Judith (Hanna R. Hall) is neglectful and careless. His pets...well, he kills them before they have any chances of disrespecting him. The only person close to him that seems to show him any love is his mother Deborah (Sheri Moon Zombie), and even she is a bit neglectful and well...really stupid (shown off by her skills of rationalizing her son's collection of dead animal photos). One day Michael just snaps. He kills the local bully (Daryl Sabara from Spy Kids). Later that night on Halloween, he snaps even further, murdering his stepfather, his sister, and her ugly boyfriend. He then gets locked up in the local nuthouse and goes even further down the rabbit hole, crushing his mother's hope and happiness as he goes down further. This material covers about the first 40-45 minutes off the movie, and I must say it's quite effective. The performances overall are pretty solid (especially Sheri Moon Zombie), the kills are just gruesome enough to satisfy gorehounds, and it's a pretty involving story. At times, you actually feel a bit bad for Michael which is what Rob Zombie intended. 

After the scenes with Michael and his mother end, Michael breaks out of the asylum and from then on..the movie changes pace and tone. His main target is his sister Laurie (Scout Taylor-Compton), and her two friends Annie and Lynda (played by Danielle Harris and Kristina Klebe). And you know how it goes from here. Michael goes after her friends first and eliminates anyone in her way until he's chasing around Laurie and the kids she's babysitting.

Unfortunately, this part of the movie doesn't work as well as the first half. First off, 2/3 of the main actresses are horrible. Danielle Harris (the Halloween queen) is pretty good as Annie, but the other two are almost unwatchable. Compton just screeches and whines just about all her lines. She's embarassing to watch in the scenes before Michael (they try and make her funny, no), and borderline spastic when she's screaming and running around. At times it almost looks like she's singing her lines, "HELLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPUHHHH". Klebe is pretty painful as well. In the original, the character Lynda was the ditzy, fun little sexbomb. In this one, Lynda is obnoxious, irritating, and just gross. Klebe just comes off as a cheap, amateur knock off of P.J. Soles' infamous performance. And for fuck's sake...we didn't need to see her bush. Just saying.

As neat as some of the bloodtastic kills are, there's not a ton of time to build up genuine thrills. Yes, Halloween kept me entertained but overall this version just doesn't have that genuine air of menace and terror that the original did. Rob Zombie does his best but overall, to quote a recent character in the Scream series....don't fuck with the original. 

Despite easily being outshined by the original Halloween, this version still does the job. It moves along pretty quickly with some nice bloody kills. The first 40-45 minutes is really strong and even though the last half definitely doesn't measure up, it's at least entertaining with a few decent scares. And considering all the shitty remakes that probably inspire the original to roll around in their grave...I would say that's a pretty decent compliment for a horror remake.

3/4

Cowboys & Aliens

When cooking, do you ever take two ingredients and combine them even though it will create a bizzare combination that most certainly won't work? Well, Jon Favreau (who directed the amazing Iron Man) feels your pain with his latest work; Cowboys & Aliens, a bizzare disaster of a movie that tries to combine a western story and a scifi flick while not really succeeding at either genre.

In Cowboys & Aliens, Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) is an outlaw who wakes up in the middle of the desert with no memories, tons of people after him, and an odd metal bracelet which doesn't seem to come off. He wanders into town, interacting with the locals, many of which want him thrown in jail, especially Sheriff Taggart (Keith Carradine),  Percy Dolarhyde (Paul Dano), and his father Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford). Soon after as Jake is about to be taken away, aliens invade the town, kidnapping locals until Jake springs into action and finally finds out what that damn metal bracelet is good for. Soon after the first attack, Jake, his love interest Ella (Olivia Wilde) and many of the other locals who haven't been abducted take off on a journey to save their fellow townspeople and defeat the aliens once and for all.

There is very little redeeming qualities about Cowboy & Aliens, but one area where I will give props to are the special effects. The crew members who worked on those were some of the rare in between participants who earned their paychecks for this movie. The scenes with the aliens are awesome and I loved watching them and all of the destruction that they caused with the people.

As for performances, though most faltered (which I will start mentioning in an upcoming paragraph), one standout was Olivia Wilde. In addition to being absolutely beautiful, Wilde makes the very best of a threadbare, underutilized character. I will easily say that she is the actor that should hold her head the highest when viewing this movie. One of the few performances that isn't overbearing, obnoxious, or one-note.

And now for the negatives, which were certainly far greater in numbers than the positives. For one, combining two genres was an awful idea. The western scenes are flat, tedious, contrived, and unoriginal as hell. Nothing noteworthy happens except for a bunch of ridiculous speeches about bonding, being a man, and you get my point. Because that's totally what people want to see in a genre that's all about action. And they pretty much feel like they're copied and pasted from better movies of this genre. Steal from the best. Cowboys & Aliens even fails at that. The scenes with the aliens are just as bad. They rarely show up and you don't learn anything about them. Apparently, they're on Earth for gold but you don't understand what the purpose of gold is to them. It's such a silly idea that's never even explained at all. None of the scenes are exciting with the aliens mainly due to the amount of questions and tedium that follow. You're even supposed to believe that these aliens are such ridiculously intelligent creatures despite leaving a deadly bracelet within arms reach of the main character. What the fuck?

The performances are ridiculous as well. Daniel Craig is such a bore as the main lead. He grunts every line without any excitement or energy at all. He must have been taking lessons from Harrison Ford, who is even worse in this movie. He pretty much barks every line and for fuck's sake...IF YOU'RE 9000 YEARS OLD, STOP APPEARING IN ACTION MOVIES. Shit. Can't wait for the sequel where the Golden Girls are sword fighting with a bunch of pirates. Oh! I forgot someone else. Paul Dano....what a big step down from Little Miss Sunshine. Every scene with him (and thank God there's not that many) is totally pathetic and ridiculous. He's such an obnoxious, irritating character you wish the aliens would shut his fucking mouth before he even gets his second line out.

The story moves along like an alien oozing his goo on the ground. So many plot holes are present that you could jump in one and end up in China. For one...apparently the way to get the bracelet off is to...stop thinking. Yeah. You heard me. There's no codes. No passwords. Not even a fucking lockbox. Stop thinking. And these are the aliens we're supposed to believe are so much more superior in terms of intelligence than humans. Oh! And Ella's story line is pathetic. A little past the middle of the movie, her journey takes a flying leap off the tracks, resulting in one of the most ridiculous endings of 2011. I'll give you a hint. She's not human. Nor is she an alien. I'm not really sure what she is but based on all the intelligence dedicated to her character's journey...neither did she.

Cowboys & Aliens is easily going to be on my worst movies of 2011 list. Humor must have been on vacation in another planet. So were strong performances, an intelligent script, a cohesive story, a solid ending, or any credible explanations about the aliens or some of the other characters in the story. I would rather be beamed up by the most malicious aliens in history over sitting through one more viewing of Cowboys & Aliens.

0/4

Darkness Falls

Bad horror movies are like the plague. You try to avoid them as best as you can. No one looks forward to having any experience with them. And despite this, both will always find a way to get in contact with you and fuck up a bit of your time. And by that comparison, I introduce Darkness Falls, a terrible, terrible, terrible movie.

Darkness Falls has a pretty simple premise. Evil tooth fairy haunts everyone in the town where she was murdered, attempting to hunt down all of the residents in the darkness. Mainly Kyle Walsh (played without an ounce of personality by Chaney Kley), his crush Caitlin (Emma Caufield from Buffy) and her little brother Michael (played by who gives a fuck, he sucks). The first 10 minutes or so is pretty effective. Kyle watches his Mom get killed by the evil tooth fairy. Watching a family member die right in front of your face has always been a terrifying idea to me. Darkness Falls then flies off the track soon after.

Even though the previously mentioned beginning is good, Darkness Falls does absolutely nothing beneficial after. There's no twists, there's no future plot advancements, hell there's barely even a climax. It's just about 80 minutes of Kyle running around and having no one believe his story until another threadbare character bites the dust right in front of their face. It gets old really quickly.

Darkness Falls is about as productive as a fattie in a marathon. It literally is 90 minutes of absolute nothing. There's barely any story, you don't really know shit about the characters and even less about the ones that pop up for 2 seconds before getting dragged away by the tooth fairy. The murders (which you can see coming about 2 planets away) mainly occur offscreen and the special effects are less than impressive due to how frequent you see the tooth fairy. She goes from slightly creepy to just flat out ridiculous based on how many times you see her towards the end. Nothing left to the imagination in this movie at all.

Darkness Falls is a giant ball of bullshit. Absolutely no merit at all. I would rather rip out every tooth possible and throw myself into every dark corner available rather than watch this bullshit one more time. Can't wait for the evil Easter bunny movie. Hoorah.

1/4

Scream 3

This is easily one of my favorite Horror franchises in History, but sadly this is the entry that feels like dead weight (pun intended). There's still charm & clever writing but sadly the whole thing just feels like "more is more". More new characters (only Parker Posey & Deon Richmond stand out), longer length (a bit of trimming would have helped) and a longer explanation/exposition from the killer (this was just a mess). Of the series it's the turkey, not in the typically used way of being a complete bomb, but in more of a sense of something that's enjoyed while being initially consumed but makes you feel bloated after.

2/4

30 Days of Night: Dark Days

Picking off right off from where the original ended, the sequel Dark Days follows Stella's life after the 30 days of terror and bloodshed that occurred in Alaska. She seems hateful of everything without a pulse or a tan but doesn't really do anything about it (excluding a scene where she fries one or two of them in her presentation to shut up those who are skeptical). Luckily for her, three people and a vampire not dedicated to killing everything in sight want to eliminate as many vampires off the earth, especially their queen; Lilith.

The negatives: One big problem I had with this was the replacement actress of Stella. Kiele Sanchez isn't necessarily a bad performer in this movie, but the whole time I was just wondering, "Fuck, where the hell was Melissa George when this movie was going down?". She's just really bland as the lead. There's nothing captivating or even that relatable about her character hin this movie. All we know about her is that she's mad about vampires killing everyone she loves and that she misses her husband Eben; who melted away in her arms in the original. Logic is also missing in action as well. Early on, Stella fries a few vampires with these really powerful lights. Yet the four people (the vampire stays home) go into Stella's hiding place with guns. Why the fuck are they not just going in their with tons of lights? Or fire? And they choose the worst times to go hunt. There's at least 2-3 scenes where they're out and about at night. Isn't that the worst time to go out? And another thing...a few scenes indicate that the vampires have psychic abilities (how else would they know where the humans are at all times?), so why didn't this whole war just...end quicker? The ending is a big downer as well. You know exactly who is going to die and in what order. So when they do die in that mentioned order you just wonder...what took so long? The ending is really disappointing and predictable. It feels so rushed and bland. There's not even a big fight scene with Lilith and Stella, it's just a quick kill that's so vaguely similar to a scene in The Descent. And the last two minutes just doesn't make any sense at all. How can you bring back a husband that disintegrated in front of you? It's as if the first movie just didn't exist.

I know it sounds like the movie is totally without merit, but there are a few positives as well. Everyone but Kiele Sanchez is pretty solid in their roles, especially Rhys Coiro and Diora Baird as two of the other vampires. Even though Mia Kirshner doesn't get many lines as the queen Lilith, she even manages to convey a sense of dread, terror, and odd sexual appeal whenever she's on screen. Also, Dark Days did manage to make some wise choices as to what worked in the original. They kept the look of the vampires the same which was easily one of the creepiest parts of the original. And the death scenes are pretty neat. Easy to say that they didn't let down in the gore category as well. And even though the story won't be winning any oscars and you've probably seen a million movies with a similar idea, Dark Days at least moves along at a fairly brisk 92 minute length, which is much appreciated considering how boring movies tend to get after they hit the triple digit length.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days isn't a masterpiece by any means. It's nothing really special or memorable compared to the millions of horror movies that are similar and even released at the exact same time. But for filler fun, it gets the job even if the odds are that you won't remember it a day later. Just don't expect a ton of logic or a strong narrative. Otherwise you will be envious of those getting the blood sucked out of them on screen.

2/4

House of Wax

I'm gonna say something which might surprise a lot of people. A MOVIE FEATURING PARIS HILTON IS ACTUALLY GOOD. Yeah, shocker right? But seriously, for what it is (a.k.a; a movie that won't cure cancer), House of Wax is a pretty fun horror movie that will keep you entertained from beginning to end.

House of Wax is simple enough. Six friends; Carly (Elisha Cuthbert from Girl Next Door), her boyfriend Wade (Jared Padalecki), Blake (Robert Ri'Chard from Cousin Skeeter), Carly's brother Nick (Chad Michael Murray), his friend Dalton (Jon Abrahams), and Blake's girlfriend Paige (Paris Hilton) take a slight detour on the way to a big football game. Eventually they arrive at an area where everything is made of wax, and almost looks a bit...too real. Eventually the group splits up and that's when a pair of brothers decides to start racking up some more wax figures out of the group.

In terms of set design alone, House of Wax is pretty cool. All of the scenes (even the early ones that don't involve killing) are quite menacing and creepy. It actually builds up some potential thrills early on without having to resort to cheap "GOTCHA!" scares. The scenes later on in the movie when the House of Wax begins to melt are pretty badass as well. Very claustrophobic and just bizzare overall.

As far as performances go, pretty standard for the genre actually. No one is completely unwatchable but no one really stands out. Pretty much everyone acts like a fairly good looking mannequin until it's time to well...become a good looking mannequin. No one really stands out among the six but considering some of the kennel club-filled movies in terms of performances...you could do much worse.

Even though it's not a terrifying movie, I would say House of Wax has some pretty good scares. The kills are a bit more inventive and creative then most movies of the genre and at least the death order is slightly unpredictable. Not even gonna lie though, the best death is easily Paris Hilton's. What a way to go.

House of Wax won't be changing any lives but I would say it's a solid entry into the gore-filled franchise. Director Jaume Collet-Serra knows what the fans want and how to give it to them. Tons of gore, some humor, and a story that's fair enough to not completely piss people off but isn't distracting enough to get in the way of the bloodshed that someone who goes to a movie called "House of Wax" expects to see. Just don't expect a miracle. And pray that the GIANT hint at a sequel was a joke. Only so many times someone can visit a house of wax before it burns down to the ground and kills everyone in it. Just saying.

3/4

Hostel Part II

The last 20 minutes is why God invented YASSSS! And don't try and tell me otherwise

3/4

Mirrors

I really wonder if a single coherent thought goes through people's heads when movies like Mirrors are created. Seriously. Not only it is totally dull, badly acted, written, and contains shitty effects...it doesn't make one bit of sense!

So in Mirrors, a security guard (Kiefer Sutherland) monitors a burned down building that still has a ton of mirrors present. Ok..... So I guess the demon follows him home or something and begins killing everyone around him in order to send the message that the demon wants the girl that it was orginally possessing. If the demon can jump from mirror to mirror, why can't it just go get the girl all by itself? I don't get it. But then again, neither did the director considering THE DEMON USES PUDDLES TO GET PEOPLE. I kid you not. It defies the movie's own stupid logic and goes through puddles. The best is the ending though. The security guard pretty much gets killed and is now stuck in the mirror world. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So if you go to the mirror world after you die, why couldn't someone before him warn him about this shit? The whole movie is so rickety.

The effects and lack of scares are another big problem. Every kill is so cheesy and lame you can smell the computer buttons being pushed a mile away. Nothing looks authentic at all, reducing any chance there is of scares being present. There's one cool death scene with Amy Smart from Rat Race and even that gets a bit...ridiculous. If you've watched one preview, you already know how it's gonna go down. And that part isn't even scary! Nothing in this movie is scary. It's pretty much about killer mirrors hahahahaha. It's just a boring movie with really not much to it. They try and throw in some shitty reasoning as to why the demon is going crazy but it's all just too dumb to really take seriously.

And Kiefer Sutherland is such a bore as the lead. When he's not screaming like he's singing opera he just looks bored out of his mind. Like he's wishing that the mirrors would come kill him sooner so he wouldn't have to be involved in this shit any longer. I feel your pain buddy. And so does anyone else that gets duped into watching this 90 minute toxic piece of trash.

0/4

Silent Hill

We all should have stayed silent on this one. 

1/4

Wolf Creek

The creepiest movies are those which can actually happen in real life. And that is part of the appeal in Wolf Creek, a disturbing, frightening, yet oddly beautiful Aussie horror movie.

Wolf Creek has a simple yet effective premise. Three tourists are traveling throughout Austrailia when they encounter some technical problems. Nothing works. Their watches, the car. Nothing. So they allow a friendly man passing in the area to tow their car and take them to his area in the meantime. The tourists are amazed with their good luck and grateful for it, until they wake up in the morning and realize....they have the shittiest luck ever.

One of the perks of Wolf Creek lies in the performances. First off, I didn't recognize any of the lead actors in this which is pretty beneficial. It's cool being able to watch someone on screen and not have the million other movies that they have done in the back of your head at the same time. All three of the tourists' performances are pretty damn awesome. They actually perform as real people. Not ducks to be lined up and shot in a row. You actually really like them and dread the moment that they will meet their enemy (played with all the nasty, toxic, harmful attributes that you would want in a killer, by John Jarratt). Not one of these performances comes off as an actor giving their reading as a person. You're just watching people in a fucked up situation.

Now for the shit everyone wants to see in a horror movie; the murders. Let me just say that even though there aren't that many (I only counted three total), none of them go by quickly without pain and extreme tension surrounding them. Mick Taylor (what a cool name for a killer) really enjoys this shit. It's disturbing. At times when he's fucking with the tourists you swear that you just stumbled into a snuff film about some horrific crime. The killing scenes are brutal, bloody, and at times...very hard to watch. Wolf Creek will surprise you with the order of their deaths (and how they go down) and it will shock you with the raw carnage that is displayed in front of your eyes.

Another thing I really loved about Wolf Creek was the cinematography. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. At times you feel that you're in another world which might have even been the director's approach. Even when these crimes are going on, the outside surroundings and the lighting used almost make the movie seem like a painting in motion. A fucked up painting, probably created by someone like Tarantino, but hey...art is fucked up at times.

Wolf Creek is a nasty, disturbing movie that will stay in your brain for a while. It doesn't feel like a movie when looking back. It just seems like a really shitty situation that was displayed for the public to view. And that is more frightening then anything in this world; real life.

3/4