Woman in Black

You know those PG-13 horror movies that give horror movies a bad name? The ones that take the 2-3 scenes that have the most amount of potential to be scary and end up using these on the entire preview. The ones that are so tame you think that they were written by Hannah Montana and her friends. The ones that not only avoid bloodshed but any types of thrills as well. I just summarized Woman in Black perfectly, a dull, tedious, worthless horror movie that never should have hit the screens.

Following his massive Harry Potter success, Daniel Radcliffe stars as Arthur Kipps, a lawyer who is sent to a strange village where he discovers that the locals are being terrorized by an ominous prescence. She does ghastly things, spooks the residents, makes their children commit suicide, hides the remote. You know, that type of deal. Will Arthur be able to solve the mystery behind this evil spirit? Why are the locals treating Arthur like such a leper? Why are they all afraid of him? What are they hiding about this evil woman?

To answer most of these questions, a big N/A can be put in the slot. You barely find out jackshit about the woman in black or how she's doing what she's doing. Apparently she lost her kid, and like all parents that lose their children, she is granted the amazing and worthwhile power of making all the kids off themselves. The coolest scene in the movie is the opening with a triple suicide. The rest of it is absolutely downhill from there.

For being a movie advertised as a ghost thriller, there's very little thrills and not even enough ghosts in this one. About 90% of the movie is Daniel Radcliffe walking around an empty house only to have things bang, clank, and smash around like a fucked up episode of Scooby Doo. The scariest scene after the beginning scene was when a faucet turned on loud and a crow flew through the window. I kid you not. The movie is that desperate for thrills.

There's such a bare amount of material in this movie that I don't even know how it didn't end up as a junky Twilight Zone episode or some shit. There's barely any dialogue for such long periods of time that it's unbearable. The story is no larger than a quantity of material that can be written on a post-it. The ending feels like the director shoved his hand in the trash can, sorted through the trash and resulted in choosing the most unsatisfying and disappointing final scenes possible. You can save $8 by just opening your window tonight. I gurantee that will provide you with more chills and entertainment than anything that Woman in Black can provide for you.

0/4