The Immortals

The plot: The Heraklion King of Crete, Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) starts a war with Olympus after the Gods answer his prayers. He also starts searching for the Epirus Bow, which he intends to use to release the Titans from Mount Tartarus and destroy all of the gods. The only people that have any chance of stopping him are a small group of individuals, mainly the virgin oracle priestess Phaedra (Frieda Pinto) and Theseus (Henry Cavill).

The good: This is a bit hard for me considering I find there to be very little redeeming about Immortals, but I will say the special effects and scenery are certainly worth of honorable mentions. Whoever worked on the effects deserves an Academy award nomination, the locations of the movie are beautiful and though the effects tend to wear out their welcome at the end (this will be mentioned more so in the other column), they are certainly the best thing about this movie. If you are someone who is into the CGI and all that stuff...this is the movie for you.

The bad: Immortals is full of bad. Bad meets bad who cheated on worse. First off, the performances are a big problem here. Henry Cavill is more rigid than the swords he yields as the lied Theseus. There is not one moment of passion or energy throughout any of his scenes. Stiff as a board, he might as well be reading out of a History textbook. And as gorgeous as Frieda Pinto is, her character is pretty pointless as well. She's given nothing to do sadly which I'll blame more on the bad writing than her. Everyone else is just ridiculously overdone here, especially Stephen Dorff as the "comic relief" and Mickey Rourke as the antagonist.

The writing is another huge issue, it's laughable. I've seen more realistic, plausible, and informative dialogue on Spongebob. The characters are paper thin and you don't really understand what's so special about any of them. Isn't Greek mythology all about the grandeur, power, strength, and courage of the people who are involved in the stories? You don't find out anything about any of them, so there's absolutely no reason to care about what's going on with them.

And to make matters worse, Immortals is just boring as hell. It's like a bad knockoff of 300 minus the fun and adding a ton of cheesy dialogue and uninteresting stories. Nothing intriguing happens from beginning to end and the fighting is almost painful to watch by the end. Once you've seen one person get their head bashed off/in, you've seen it all. Only one fight in the movie stood out to me (even though you can barely tell what's going on at times), and you have to wait over an hour and a half to get to it. Talk about payoff.

The gist: Immortals is just a big fail of an action movie about Greek mythology. It takes an interesting subject and sumo wrestles it into the ground, producing a tedious, wooden, poorly acted and written montonous disease that takes forever to end. Playing Halo for 2 hours straight will give you a better payoff than the Immortals; awesome special effects + the ability to be entertained- the need to watch ten dollars fly into the trash quicker than a rat.

1/4